First post here...just starting to GAL and 180.

[Buxom]

I'm feeling very sad today and really wondering about 180. I am able to and doing about half of the list consistently. I can and am doing GAL and have been since recovering from my cancer treatment effects months ago. The EA was already in full swing.

He's been masturbating at least every second day in his own room. I really miss sex with him and makes me sad to think he is not approaching me. I just read an article about sex being a strong way to bond and that if he's not getting it at home, he will get it away from home. I know he's sexting a couple of women as I saw him typing yesterday as I sat next to him.

I'm really want to make an advance on him and show him that I still think him attractive, desirable, that I do still have a sex drive, and there have been more good interactions than bad. He's approaching me and kissing at night and when he leaves for work.

Ideas, comments and advice?

[Buxom]

You see, I'm wondering how much the sex starved marriage stuff has played a role... isn't it only logical to initiate repairs in the bedroom?
He may say no and it will also tell me a bit more of what's true for him.

Col
Me 53
H 48
MLC and pa two years two years ago
WH alcoholic and dry for 14 months
S 18
D 16
M 22 years
Together 24
D threatened by WH in June, nothing since
He left mbr 06/25

[Buxom]

He's been in a mood and withdrawn today after our day out to a rally yesterday. It was fun and for the most part we were at ease. I likely got more familiar again slipping into easy conversation. I made requests of him and he made thoughtful gestures. So I should have expected a drawing back today. I hate this up and down!

Col
Me 53
H 48
MLC and pa two years two years ago
WH alcoholic and dry for 14 months
S 18
D 16
M 22 years
Together 24
D threatened by WH in June, nothing since
He left mbr 06/25

[Cadet]

So I should have expected a drawing back today. I hate this up and down!

Stop EXPECTING anything.
Bring expectations to zero.

Then you will stop riding the rollercoaster.

[Buxom]

Don't you just continue on the rollercoaster not knowing one moment to another what is happening in my formerly loving home??

[Cadet]

Don't you just continue on the rollercoaster not knowing one moment to another what is happening in my formerly loving home??

That doesn't sound very detached

[Buxom]

I give up. I really needed assistance all weekend, posted often as per suggestions and no answers other than I have faulty detachment. I know that and that's the main reason I came here! I have questions but there are no responses. Very discouraging! :'(

[Cadet]

I give up. I really needed assistance all weekend, posted often as per suggestions and no answers other than I have faulty detachment. I know that and that's the main reason I came here! I have questions but there are no responses. Very discouraging! :'(

Sorry that you did not get the responses that you were hoping for.
Weekends are not the busiest times here and sometimes it can be rather slow.
I personally was out GAL all weekend and really had very little time for the forum and also was posting from my phone which tbh is difficult and so I tend to post in very small
sentences.(which is also the way I am - a listener not a talker)


Here is a bit of advice I will share with you

How to get more people to POST on my thread?

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.

Keep posting! - (Most important part)

As far as advice about what to do.
We can only tell you what seems to work
for the thousands of posters that we have already witnessed.

Basic DB'ing - Detach, GAL, do what works, 180 what doesn't work.
Both the WAS and the LBS follow a script and it is very predictable.
As you read here more and more you will follow what I am saying.
As much as we try to fight the script we find out that we can not.
It is like a truck rolling down the street with no one in it to control it or stop it.
It is going to hit something and cause damage.
We just want you to stop running in front of it so it does not damage YOU.

Hope you have read all the initial homework and are starting to understand what we are trying too tell you.

[Buxom]

Thx. I have read all the threads you posted, some a few times, and I'm well into DR. I have asked questions in my short posts since I had questions on nuances. I believe in the strategies and the GAL in particular. I've been busy with my sewing, gardening, my horse, out with friends, quad riding, artwork, kayaking as well as time with my kids. It's so hard just to pull back and not share my thoughts and body with WH.
Just felt really alone past two days, busy and lonely.

[EDF]

Hi Col,
Sorry you didn't get the responses you were hoping for this weekend - the thread replies can kind of wax and wane, but keep at it and over time it can be a valuable source of info/feedback for you.

I can also strongly second Cadet's recommendation on reading the "homework" from his first post. I've read the threads there multiple times, and as I continue to learn more about the process it sinks in more and more. Those threads have the distilled knowledge from many people going through situations like ours and asking the same sorts of questions we ask.

isn't it only logical to initiate repairs in the bedroom?

Sex can be a strong way to bond, absolutely, but now isn't the time for that. That is more for when your H reaches a point of remorse and showing through actions that he wants to rebuild things. Right now, when your H is actively rebellious and wayward, giving sex would count as pursuing/chasing and so against the "37 rules" from the homework. Even if your husband accepts, and he may even graciously accept and seem super thankful, that would not be helping your situation. You giving him sex would just enable his wayward behavior. How awesome, he would think, that I can freely sext and hang out with other women as much as I want, and still have my wife meet any remaining unfulfilled needs at home? That is cake eating. If he's able to get that, what incentive does he have to change?

My WW, a couple months ago, actually openly stated that she wished I hadn't discovered her EA, because she thought it had improved our relationship; she thought I should just be ok with the EA continuing and we could return to that earlier "good" situation where we were having sex regularly regardless. From her fog-buried point of view, her sharing naughty emails/pictures with another guy, while continuing to get attention and sex from her H at home, was the ideal situation!

Obviously that wasn't what I'm looking for, so I have been working hard at the DB principles, including not pursuing. I'm not perfect at it. It doesn't fix things immediately. It's not quick fix to stop your H from getting his kicks elsewhere, but unfortunately you giving him sex won't do that either.