Last but not least: The DB songbook -This thread is also still open if you have song suggestions. Always looking for new ones.
Here I am. Still standing. Thriving? not quite. I am fearful that I am quickly establishing the dubious record of longest in-house S. Pretty miserable about my sitch, but thankful for all the things I have, and I have a lot for which to be thankful.
I will write and update and respond to posts from previous thread when I have another moment.
Update: There is a status conference today, Ls only. I am not really sure what is being decided since we have not agreed on anything. I am still in the home and blessed with unfettered access to my children. Something that I will lose eventually. So I am making the most of it even though in-house S is terrible - for me, for my children, probably for my W as well, but you would never know it.
As I mentioned in my previous thread, I have lost confidence in my L. I will be calling another one today.
pinn| I have not joined a running club. I looked into it, but they only run on Saturdays. which is my Sabbath. I thought, though not very seriously, about starting my own.
V| I am calling L today. This time I mean it. I have not until now partly because I was busy but also because I was reticent.
SunnyB| I am not usually this ignorant, but for the life of me I could not find Zelda New and the Hobbit on Facebook. Am I missing something? Do I need to have it spelled out for me? Is it "Zelda New and the Hobbit", or "Zelda New" and "the hobbit"? I'm hopeless
JellyB| So right! inaction/lack of action based on fear is not working for me. Part of my problem is that until now my W has not been belligerent or aggressive. She is actually totally passive. Yet there are so many triggers in the home. Every time I see a new thong underwear in the laundry pile. Every time I see a new piece of jewelry. Every time she gets a text. Every time she goes out. All of these, in the another context could be construed as normal behaviors. But in the present context, they make me sick to my stomach. I don't want to see any of it anymore. She has a bracelet that says "She believed she could, so she did". I know that one of the DBers has that in their signature, but when I see it on Ws wrist, I just want to vomit. She has a necklace with the first letter of her name on it. Coincidentally, it is also the first letter of OMs name. It is like she is flaunting it in plain site, right in front of my face. It is torture for me. Yet, despite this, I remain civil. Very cold, sometimes passive-aggressive, but mostly civil. How long can I do this?
I called another L today. I feel like the last 2 years with my L have been a total waste of time. I have gathered all the documents requested of me, responded to all their requests, jumped through every hoop like a good boy; and where has it gotten me? We received almost no paperwork from my W, I have been harassed by her L and OM, my L never even put a serious offer on the table, my Ws offer was a joke, My L never called W out on her behaviors. Although I have not heard the results of the Ls status conference yet, Now it looks like the D is going to trial - depositions, witnesses, guardian ad litem, all the expenses, and everything that entails. I am really sad that my W chose this path and I am powerless to stop her. The current sitch is terrible for the kids. The other L I called seemed to concur that there has been no serious movement in our case and no pressure has been applied to W. He said the average D should take 18m. We are well beyond that and there is no end in sight. He said we should be fighting. I am worried that switching Ls will make this more contentious, but he says it is already contentious.
I still have to go home and walk on egg-shells, fearing that she is recording my every move, preparing to use it against me at some point. How much can I take.
Moment of gratitude: I have tons of family and friends who sympathize with my plight. I have mentioned my saintly sister already, but every week someone else "comes out" and tells me that they know what I am going through and offer to help. They are begging my to come visit. I have been reticent because I am afraid my W will somehow use it against me. Darn fear. I need to get over it. I am healthy - physically, at least - perhaps the best shape of my life. No physical pain at this age: a blessing. I know of at least 5 individuals that are or have family member who are suffering from various conditions. Stroke, liver cancer, leukemia, brain tumor, kidney failure, post-partem depression, serious care accident. Being a physician, I see plenty more in the hospital. Were I or a loved one stricken with any of the above, I would beg and plead to return to my previous sitch. I finally completed my annual self-review - a process I despise, made even harder this year by the many unmet career goals generated by my sitch. Now I have to meet with my boss to review my assessment. I have food in my belly. I just ate a delicious bag of potato chips. I have a steak in the freezer. The Kids! So thankful for them. D7 had a minor surgery and it passed without incident. Thank G-d. The older ones are in camp. They are thankfully healthy. One is a homesick and struggling with bunk mates, but this is a healthy problem to have. my car. I will have to trade it in for something larger at some point, but I love my car. My teeth. I am brushing and flossing twice per day. Who here can say that. My Job. I am a good physician. For the most part I have a positive impact on my patients. My Gym. They just installed a whole bunch of new treadmills.awesome.
P.S. The signature "She believed she could, so she did" is from Maybell, whom I respect a lot and to whom it is very fitting. I mentioned it in my previous post. Shame on my W for using it.
Well, I finally heard from my L. The outcome: another conference in 3 months. OMG. this is ridiculous already. It will be a settlement conference. What does this mean. Worse, my W has decided she wants a career change. Right in the middle of a D. Do I need to pay for her education.
I am thankful for... My kids remembering me on Father's day. We had a great time together. The consult service has been pretty light, and has given me some time to reflect. The weather. Oh! the glorious weather. I went running last night for the first time in a long time. was gorgeous outside.
Gratitude... I am thankful for phones, texts, and emails. As much as I gripe about the constant flow of communication and the noise that accompanies it, it has allowed me to stay in touch with some superb individuals. Like any tool, a phone can be used for good or for ill. It depends on the person controlling it. I am thankful for Music. It is no secret to folks here that I cherish certain songs (see DB songbook for examples). Music has gotten me out of many a funk, and in 2016 I have unlimited access to any song I want, when I want it. People are always surprised when they hear that I don't drink. Music is my drug of choice.
Update... I was dreading it for a long time, but last night I walked through the house with WW and made lists, dividing up our possessions. It was really depressing, but on the outside I was very business-like. There was not much dispute and WW did not object to any of my requests. So that was a first step. I think I was able to suppress my passive-aggressiveness. Giving myself a pat on the back. Yay me.
I found out the outcome of the Ls-only meeting. Now there is supposed to be a settlement conferences in 2.5 months. This is insane. It is just dragging on and on. My W asked why things are dragging on like this. I can't believe she has no clue. I wanted to tell her it is because she switched Ls, decided to go to court, then decided to go back to the negotiating table, only to make numerous entirely unreasonable - impossible to realistically grant - requests. She really doesn't understand that for a D she requested, she has become its biggest obstacle to progress. I have jumped through every hoop asked of me - and in as timely a manner as possible, considering I also have a full-time job. yet the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years. BD #1 was August 2013. stop the merry-go-round. Please.
Lies. I was reading another post in another thread, and Cadet made the following astute observation: How do you know when your S is lying? Their lips are moving (Thanks, also to Meghan Trainor). It is so true. When I think of the egregious lies my WW has told, I am still amazed - even after three years of enduring them. Many have been incredibly brazen because they were so thinly veiled and so simple to discover. It seems like she just doesn't care anymore when she lies. I don't even think she cares whether she gets caught. How does one deal with someone like that? How did she get this way? I still wonder to this day whether she has some sort of brain tumor that affected her whole personality. It happens sometimes doesn't it?
About the lies, my W also lies, all the time to anyone. Some times its to spare feelings other times its just part of what she does now.
Now that we are living apart I dont have to deal with this anymore. I almost forgot she does lie so much. Your post has reminded me of this terrible trait. So RAI remember the lies that were told to you as time seems to paint a rosier picture of what was.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Vise, Thanks for stopping by my thread. Your thread is one that I check out as often as I can. I will try to stop by soon.
Regarding the lies, I need to stop focusing on them. I can lament the lying forever, but it does me no good. I need to accept that there are liars in the world, among them my WW. With every lie, she degrades herself and her self esteem. When there is finally an accounting (in this world or the next), she will have lots of explaining to do. Letting her lies hurt me and trying to catch her in her lies is a waste of time. Worse, it is counter-productive. I re-read ericmsant2's The STAR is inside of you. I think I should read it daily. I think every DBer should read it daily. Focusing on my WW's lies, focusing on my WW at all, distracts me from the real work I have to do on myself. Similarly, anger also distracts me from the REAL WORK. Focusing on WW's behavior and being angry both have FEAR at their root. I need to get over my fears and accept that I cannot control the outcome of anything. In short, let go, and let G-d.
I listened to a great lecture on anger this week. I have said it before, but it bears repeating: anger is the poison you take, hoping someone else will die. And it is poisoning me. it affects physical health, emotional health, relationships, productivity. The great Jewish philosopher and physician Maimonides states that, unlike almost all other "negative" emotions which confer some benefit in small doses, no amount of anger is good or beneficial. Of course, we are all prone to anger sometimes. Nevertheless, we should avoid anger as much as possible because no good can come of it. Anger prevents intimacy ("into me see") - it prevents us from looking into ourselves and facing our own fears and insecurities. Anger, which feeds off of our emotions, clouds our judgement, which relies on our intellect. Dear fellow DBers: how did your S respond the last time you got angry? did they soften up or dig in their heels? Did they realize their errors and repent or did they respond in kind - with anger? Did they change their views and suddenly agree with yours? Anger is so obviously useless yet we continue to go down this cheeseless path. I am not sure why G-d wired use to get angry. Perhaps anger motivates us to change? Perhaps it merely serves as a stumbling block to our progress. I never considered myself an angry person, but if even a little anger is a bad thing, then we all have a lot of work to do.
Gratitude: My car was rear-ended a few months ago. the insurance company finally agreed to cover my claim. yay. I have a trainer at my local fitness center who is dedicated to whipping me into shape. Two more people approached me this weekend in a show of support for my difficult sitch. It seems like my whole community knows. This forum, for being an excellent outlet for my thoughts, and a new source of friends. Family, family, family.
Does any one remember those signs outside construction sites that say "It has been ___ days since the last accident"? I really feel like this is a nice way to show gratitude. It is very easy to take things for granted when everything is going well. Perhaps we should all have signs like that, to remind us how everything can be taken away in a heartbeat. I am thankful for all I have and for all that I do not have.
