Met W to spend some time together at my request last week in trying to be friends. I said last week I didn’t want any R or D talk, just spend time to be friends.
I mentioned eariler I was at an outdoor play, this was mid afternoon and I wasn’t at work. She asked some details but not “with who?” Mostly, you took the day off? I don’t know what she was thinking, maybe who with maybe not. After, I got there and I was relaxed and so was she. She even asked if I wanted to go to dinner after dog park. This was really nice to hear. Maybe she is trying to be friends, but only within her boundaries, she will not allow me to get too close. She even asked if I could take her home afterwards. Ok, this is the first time she has even allowed me to get that close to her apartment. Baby step? She didn’t invite me inside at all.
Dog park was good, we made lots of small talk and connected because we both love animals. Dinner was good. A couple things she said, “How did you find out about the play?” and more questions about the play, all except who I went with. We went to a restaurant she never has been to, she really enjoyed the food. “How did you find out about this restaurant?” To both questions I was a little mysterious by saying “I get around and I find a lot of these things, I’m outgoing like that.” She said yes you are. Later she tried to pigeonhole me in an old behavior and I flipped it around and said, no I’m not, I just like to explore. Couple things at dinner, we caught up with each others lives, we talked a lot about her work stresses, problems she is having with her “best friend” who works their and her depression and how to handle her. We talked about my mom, her birthday, how close I’m getting to my mom by helping her through a lot of crisis, and we talked about her crises. I said she is such a strong lady I don’t know how she does it. My W started crying in the restaurant and at dinner. This is about my mom right? I also noticed her checking me out on more than one occaison at dog park and at dinner, especially at dinner. She also noticed I had a new jacket (at least she notices).
Couple of daggers thrown. I am sick of not posting these because I now believe I need to see the good and the bad to keep things in perspective. She made more than one comment about her future without me. Where she is going to live next, what she is going to do with her business, all of her new life friends and what they did together for Easter and so forth. I took everything in stride and just tried to be as pleasant as possible.
When I got her to her place the conversation went like this (I’m going to refer to her as Mrs. Seattle): Me, So can I have the dog for the week. MS, No, I’ve already made plans for the dog. Me, I’m very upset and disappointed. Could we talk about it? MS, No, my mind is made up, there is no discussing it, this is my decision. It is MY dog. Me, I would like to talk about my feelings, it doesn’t mean either one of us is right or wrong, this is simply how I feel. I feel that is totally unfair and abusive, I deserve the opportunity to at least talk about this. It is OUR dog, we adopted her together and raised her together. MS, I have to go now, I have to pack and it is ___ time. Me, Ok, but I feel this is the same problems we’ve had in communicating, this stonewalling is totally unfair. I deserve to be treated better than this. I deserve the decency to discuss this and be treated like at least a human being. MS, You can’t expect me to change my mind the night before I’m leaving. Me, I asked you last Friday, that is over a week. You said you would think about it and then you never returned my call. I even have an Easter basket for dog I couldn’t even drop off. MS, The dog is comfortable in her routine, I don’t want her to be uncomfortable. (OK WTF? The dog is going to be more comfortable with strangers and not comfortable with me and the house she knows?) Me, I’m sorry but that is ridiculous. Do you think the dog is going to be more comfortable with them than with me? I love the dog and no one would take better care of it. MS, I’ve let you see the dog. Me, Yeah, 4 times in 6 months is absurd. Only 2 of which were overnight. MS, Last time I had nightmares you were going to steal the dog. I don’t want to be out of town and have to stress about that too, I have too much to stress about. (OK so after A LOT of BS, she comes out with the truth. Can you guys see what I’m dealing with here? So hard to get down to the root of it with all the surface excuses. I can handle the surface excuses, but with so little contact, how can I get more progress? Any ideas?) Me, You know where I’m at, I’m not going to steal the dog. MS, The dog is like MY child. Me, The dog is like OUR child, how would you feel if you were me and you only saw your child 4 times in 6 months? MS, I’ve got to go to get packing. I didn’t want this night to get all emotional, I just wanted to have a good time with you as friends. Me, I’m sorry it became emotional but I’m not going to tolerate this stonewalling any longer. I deserve better than this. I wrote down some notes of my feelings, it isn’t a letter, I wanted to discuss these things with you but I expected this to happen. Please read my notes since we won’t be able to discuss these things.
Later I wrote a note to say her REAL REASON for not letting me have the dog I could at least understand that one. I might not agree, but I could understand.
With that I helped her with her stuff and gave the dog a hug and said goodbye. The notes I handed her are essentially the same thoughts of my long posts earlier. I had to call it like I see it. This has gone on way too long. I should have done this earlier. I have reasons for doing this, reasons within her background and mindset as to why tough love might work. I did it for myself, to be true to myself and to find peace.
After I composed myself I called her cell phone expecting to leave a message since MS has said so many times her cell phone doesn’t work in her apartment. You know what, SHE ANSWERED. I said my notes are for discussion purposes, I’m not saying them to be angry or mean, just to say them because it is honestly how I feel, please read them in that tone. She was very quiet but said ok.
I will no longer accept her REASONS for not talking to me except on her terms. They are all LIES and EXCUSES and I will view them as such. At least she did answer the phone.
I need to now monitor to see if she draws closer. If she does, I need to show unconditional love but also provide a bit of mystery that she may really lose me forever if she continues to treat me badly. If she doesn’t, I need to be more confident and live my life for me until she does initiate contact. Be happy being me and growing for me. There is a fine line between them both.
