Sorry to be late to your post Focus. I'm really impressed about how you carried it off! Well done. Enjoy your weekend and next time you doubt yourself remember how you felt.
Thank you so much!
I think it's important for all of us to realise the moments when we're feeling relaxed and centered, so we can remember them and draw on them (especially in times of hardship...when we're feeling down, or feeling attacked, or feeling drawn into conflict).
I'm almost at 9 months now.
I think I really know the things I need to do to make me feel like I'm moving forward and making progress. And I start to get anxious and low when I don't do them.
I'm still working on my house at the moment. It's turned into a massive, ongoing project (in a good way).
This past week I cleared out a whole bunch of underwear. I threw lots out and also donated a lot of the new, unworn items that didn't fit me any more to charity (one that helps women in Afirca). I could still go another round of clearing even more out (I'm taking my cue from a friend who went through the same process with his books, and went through them over and over until he was only left with a handful), but I'm OK with my progress so far.
I also went through my shoes and did the same process. Again, I could still go another round as I really have far too many shoes, but I'm OK for the moment. I'll move on to another part of my bedroom so I can keep moving forwards with the whole process at a reasonable pace and keep seeing progress.
Social GAL has been good. I'm at the point where different groups of friends are texting asking me to go out. I like that, it makes me feel good.
I'm worried about my mum, as she's been in hospital again. I think she's finding the whole thing really, really difficult and its impacted on the degenerative illness that she has. She was really fond of my H (and his family too), and has been really upset by what has happened.
We talked about it for the first time when I went to visit her in hospital last week. It's taken me this long to be able to speak to her because I wanted to make sure I could be clear headed about it all, keep my calm and not risk upsetting her further, and so I could be fair and reasonable to both of us (H and myself).
I didn't tell her everything (I didn't tell her about his two As), as I think she would have upset further by that, and I didn't talk about how guilty I feel for what I believe to have been my part in everything. I'm actually sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I'm typing this, because at the moment the sadness and guilt are pretty overwhelming.
I feel like if I'd acted differently, I could have prevented all of this. But from everything I've read about MLC, it seems that I couldn't - that nobody could. I guess I'm still really confused about it all, and I just don't understand. None of it makes any sense. Especially not the scale of it all, the utter betrayal of everything we had done together and built on for all those years.
I'm thinking he might be just as confused as I am, and just as lost as I am, but I don't know. I don't know who he is any more and I just feel that he's a total stranger to me now, the way that he is now. I don't really like the person that he's turned into, the values that he seems to live by, and I don't really have much of a desire to try and get close to him. I feel like I'm just backing off and away, further and further.
Ultimately, I feel like the fork in the road we found ourselves at has taken us, and is taking us, in very different directions. I think I'm OK with that, because I know that I'll be OK with going along this path. It seems to be a good one for me, as it's yielding lots and lots of rewards, even in the short time I've been on it. I'm just still shocked and confused to be on this path at all. I never even imagined that could happen.
Anyway, all in all, I feel good about how I talked about it with my mum. So I'll try and hang on to that for now.
