Uncharted Waters

[2Times2Many]

Job, BIL didn't find something else and was back in the office on Friday. It was so pleasant while he was gone and such a downer when he came back.

I haven't heard anything from my sister or my D. I agree that I should wait until my D contacts me. I've never been one to interfere with my kids lives and don't intend to start now. When she needs me, she'll call.

As for my S, I haven't heard a peep out of her other than a couple of brief texts since she called me about being her health advocate. She said she was going to call a couple of days ago, but hasn't. I've texted a couple of times since she was supposed to call, but she's a strange one. For all I know, she's angry with me for not wanting to be the advocate. She'll get back to me when she's ready.

As for me, I'm preparing for H to return in a few days. Last time I was in a really great place emotionally and mentally. This time, not so much. I feel like it's going to take some effort this time. I sort of feel unsure and less "strong" for lack of a better way to put it.

I'm ready to answer the D thing if it comes up. I'm just going to tell him if that's what he wants I won't stand in his way, but I'm not going to do it for him. And I've given a lot of thought to what I want by way of a settlement and although it would be infinitely fair, he won't like it. If I exit the M, I exit the business and he does not want that. Staying involved with the business after a D would benefit my financial health, but would be detrimental to my mental and emotional health. In the long run, there are things that are more important to me than continuing to pad my bank account and I'll be just fine, even with the loss of that income. Anyway, I'm prepared for that discussion.

I suppose I'm feeling unsure of myself because I don't know "who" is coming home. I've gone back through my old posts and there were some positive things happening. The last time he was here, I felt like we were connecting. That seemed to continue for a while via telephone and then kind of slacked off and I didn't "feel" the connection (or the beginnings of it) anymore. The depth seemed to fade away, which I suppose is only natural given the time and distance factor.

I also know he's become aware of a lot of BIL's shortcomings since he was here last and I don't know how he plans to deal with that. At least his awareness didn't come about solely because of me. BIL has made some big boo-boo's that he couldn't hide from H (or me).

I know he's been doing a lot "soul searching" and I have no idea where that has led. I also know he's still looking for happiness and I don't know where that search has or is leading him. I don't know what role, if any, the new OW may be playing in helping him find happiness. (I would be so happy to hear that the "worst weekend of his life" was because of her! One can hope, right?)

I just feel so "in the dark" about the whole sitch. It's kind of unnerving. It was easier when he was in big time replay and I knew he was. I just kind of expected craziness. Now, there's still replay there, but there also seems to be some awareness of what he's done to his life (and mine). I'm not sure how to handle it all. Uncharted waters.

I think I may be in need of some "pep" talk and would sincerely welcome it from anyone who wishes to chime in.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

{{{Hugs}}} to everyone.

2T