The sad part of all of this is she is consciously choosing to continue on this path and justifying her actions with every reason possible and choosing NOT to listen or consider anything else. I have seen it with her again and again.
She chooses to run from every situation that exposes her emotions. She chooses to contiune hanging on to the guilt, sadness, and resentment. She chooses not to spend time with me or consider how she is hurting me or even herself. She chooses not to communicate with me openly about us, only vague answers and then she has to go and run. I cannot make her choose anything else. I cannot even ask her to consider anything else, she has not and will not.
Going dark in the beginning didn’t work too well, it was more of the same then, especially as it relates to communication or better put a lack thereof and my cold and distant behavior. Since then, I have shown her friendship, understanding, compassion, and unconditional love in the face of hurt, pain, lies, secrets, an Affair (it is an affair to me if 2 months after we S she sees someone else), and her controlling and abusive behavior. What I mean by this is her not letting me see our dog at all (3 or 4 times in 6 months); choosing to shut me out again and again; choosing to use the business as an excuse as to why she can’t see me; choosing to surround herself with this new life; choosing to not allow me to communicate with her; choosing not to allow me any time whatsoever with her; controlling every interaction by running away; choosing not to communicate with me openly; choosing to keep pushing for papers. She is even doing that half assed.
You are probably right, coming out of the dark in this way was very emotional for her and she of course withdrew. But she began withdrawing about a week and a half prior to that, right after she was sharing some intimate fears of inadequacy she had and disappointments her family had with her. Could it be she felt she was getting too close and was vulnerable again? Maybe so.
She didn’t come visit me on Tues, the day after my surgery and her day off. She chooses not to make time for me, I’m no longer going to tolerate her excuses for being too busy. I will only view them as her choosing not to spend time with me, not that she really is too busy. I will accept them as such.
I called on Wed to say thank you and said call me. She didn’t call back. First time ever she has not returned a call in the time we’ve known each other. I called on Friday to say thank you, we chit chatted, things seemed good and I was happy and upbeat and so was she. I opened the conversation with I’ve haven’t forgotten about the papers, I’ve had a slight setback, please understand. She seemed ok with it. I then asked if we could go to dog park or something, it would be nice to see them both. She couldn’t squeeze me in for over a week, this coming Friday. Only for an hour and she leaves out of town for one week on business.
This royally pissed me off especially since she had Easter off and slow day Monday and Tuesday is off. I remained pleasant and asked if I could have dog for the week she is gone. She says, no. I ask why? She says, there is no discussing it at all, it is my choice, do you want to see me on Friday or not? Threats eh? I said ok and hung up. I didn’t know what else to do. I call back and say I understand it is your choice but I don’t understand why I can’t have dog while you’re gone? It has no impact on you unless I’m missing something? Am I? Will you please help me undrstand? Her reply was not further communication of helping me understand, but rather I’ll think about it. I’m not holding my breath.
I called on Easter to say Happy Easter and said call me. I wanted to give dog an Easter basket of dog treats and toys. I didn’t tell her that though. She didn’t call back. At this point I’m feeling very abused and battered. I’m feeling like I’ve been unfairly treated as a husband, lover, friend, and human being. Especially as a human being that has spent every day together. I deserve to be treated better than this.
I realize this was pressure and maybe too much for her given her emotional place. There is also a level of dignity and respect I need to maintain for myself, and none of her actions I’ve listed convey that to me. I’m feeling like a doormat. Every time we get a step closer, she forces herself and chooses to distance and throw up walls. Now she does not even return calls. All the while pushing for papers.
Where do I go from here you ask? Good question. I have been thinking long and hard on this. I have realized this whole pattern of her running away and choosing not face the reality is a pattern for her. It has been with us since the beginning. Initially when we became more intimate after dating, we faced questions every couple faces. I remember being very emotionally availble, that is what I knew then from past Rs. She would not or could not open up to me. Her answers about her feelings were vague and nondescript. Passive aggressive BS. I recognized my openess wasn’t working. I then adopted an eye for an eye attitude and hoped she would figure it out and start talking. She didn’t. My mistake was continuing this pattern despite knowing it wasn’t working. It became a vicious cycle and pattern.
I have also thought about how her parents deal with her when she does something to upset them or something wrong. Their reaction is to ignore her. They ignore her calls and attempts at contact. She gets frustrated by this but immediately realizes she is doing something wrong. Is guilt a factor here? Absolutely, as a friend said to me, guilt is not always bad, especially if it triggers self-reflection. It just shouldn’t be the only reason decisions are made.
This was big time true for me in how I realized I was wrong. I made some immediate changes and began to self reflect. Will this work on her? Will the distractions of a new business, new life, new friends, new OM, her divorce trap support network allow her to self reflect and give us a chance? Her sister is moving to Seattle so this will increase the guilt and pressure.
She is attention starved. She is a rebel and prefers negative attention to no attention at all. Couple this with her parents praising her sister all the time might trigger some self reflection. Who knows?
The unknown in all of this is will she go through with it? Good question. I haven’t the answer. I do know that showing her unconditional love is just allowing her to walk all over me. I would love to continue to “coach her so that those feelings move away from sadness, move towards safety and comfort and joy. The things you've been doing to be her friend did seem to be working.”
Yes, I agree they have been working. However working too slow and everytime there is progress, she chooses to build the wall up again.
I cannot tolerate this path anymore. I’m not giving up, I will continue to be her friend, be emotionally available, but not to the same extent as before. I will place myself first, my happiness first, my needs first. I will give to her only what I’m comfortable giving which isn’t much right now. I’m going to stand up for myself when I feel things are unjust or unfair. I’m going to state my feelings and call things like they are, since no one can dispute how I feel.
I’m expecting her to tell me no I can’t have the dog when she is out of town for a week. I will then use that opportunity to stand up for myself. Then I withdraw from initiating contact and live my life.
My act as if will be real, it will no longer be an act as if. It will just be living life. I have to decide how to handle papers, maybe mediator or maybe attorney or maybe just let her run with it or maybe she will not run with it.
Maybe this will draw her back or maybe it won’t have any effect on her. Either way I will be happy being me. Thank you.
