I said I'm not going to the bbq as I did t want people to feel awkward and she should have a nice time with her family. Her response was no one would feel awkward other than you because nobody gives a s**t if your there or not, but then ends with "I thought we we're going to do things as a family"
I suggest you not be so revealing about why you make certain decisions, while the MR is in this state. I should have mentioned it earlier, that you not "explain" to anyone (especially her) your reasons for not going. It puts you in a victim light, which isn't attractive.
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She has mentioned now that it's uncomfortable living with me as I will only talk to her if she starts talking to me, I can tell she's getting annoyed by what I'm doing, I feel I have more control over myself than I did which is a good thing.
She can't have it both ways.
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She also said that I've mentioned to people that I want to work things out with her and I'm to blame for the damage caused in the M, that's true I have said that to people and they've told her, her issue is that I was telling people that but not acting like that when I'm with her.
You know those people are going to repeat what you've said. She knows that you knew it when you told them. So, it's a big no-no.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!