Do not worry about the validation. You are who you are. I am happy to read that you are making an effort to change and be more assertive. This is something I need to work on for myself also.
I can only imagine how tough this transition is for you to see your H and OW together. I wish I could provide insight to help.
I don't think I ever posted on your thread but I have read some.
I am confident you will thrive and be happy once again!
((MS))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Thank you. I am happier than I was. I'm also more cautious. I look back on pictures of us together and my eyes look old and tired. Recent pictures that heaviness is gone.
I am looking at pictures from when I was in my 20s and the kids were young and I was happy to find my happily ever after. In my 30s when I felt safe and secure with the life path that I chose. I thought I was happy, but those eyes don't look happy. Perhaps because the only pictures of us together were for events that usually were prefaced with some odd sort of encounter.
H being pouty--his mood filling the room with a noxious energy that has us all on edge. Me trying to make light of it--being positive--getting dressed up and making a special occasion of an outing with my H, with my family.
There's a comment about the fact that I put on make up. A look that says a lot and nothing all at the same time that makes me question what I chose to wear? I try to get the information from him to put my mind at ease--"Do I look ok? Does this match? Should I wear something else." "You look fine, let's get this over with?" Was that approval? I have no idea but I am going to make the best of it--and I feel like I look appropriate so I will just go with that.
We get there and the brooding neanderthal has disappeared. He is jovial. Life of the party. We are all laughing. He seems to be making plans to do it again. I am relieved. It was a good day. It will happen again and life is good.
And then we are back in the car, and the neanderthal is back. I try to make conversation. "That was fun. I hope we do it again soon."
Silence.
"Did you have fun? You seemed to be enjoying yourself." "It was fine. I just want to get home."
The end.
So those pictures, with my sad and heavy eyes. That was me on edge. Me hoping, pleading, wanting to believe the public image was true. It was exhausting. I can't turn things on and off as well as he can. It aged me to have to live that way.
I have more wrinkles than I did then, but I am carrying less weight--both physically and emotionally. And my eyes look younger. There is a spark back in them. I have noticed that I turn heads. Not that I gauge my value on that, but there is a bit of an ego boost. I wear make up every day now, because I like it. I wear what feels good. I feel younger than I did a decade ago. People tell me I look younger than my age. I lost my baggage--and took years off my age in the process.
I am not looking to fall in love again. But I am paying attention to the dynamics that come with courtship. I am paying attention to these dynamics to identify why I am drawn to the people I am drawn to. I've gone out and met people, perhaps some of those outings can be called dates. There are those men that decide to take the approach of knocking me down a notch in an effort to convince me they are my only hope.
Line: "It is hard for people our age to meet someone." What I think: Actually, it hasn't really been that hard to meet people at all. Knowing who is worth my time tends to be the tricky part. Especially since I always have been a "benefit of the doubt" type person.
What I do: Ignore the comment. Delete the text. Lose the number.
Line: "I want to get together with you for blah blah blah" Call me when you get into town (wake up, get off work)" I call and don't hear back for days. What I think: Did I really just get stood up? Set up? Hopes up for nothing? What I do: Go ahead with my plans anyway. When the excuse comes the next day or a few days later I respond with a brief Ok. Then I resist the urge to get sucked into the cycle again. This has happened numerous times with one particular person. I am not sure what my draw to him is. We go months without talking then another connection is made. I want a friendship with him, nothing more. He claims the same. Maybe that is what friends do.
And then there are the back handed compliments. The non-committal responses. Perhaps I am guilty of it too. I flirt while making it clear I want nothing more than friendship. Maybe it is a game I play.
Then there are the reliable ones. The solid guys that always respond. That let you know when they are available and aren't afraid to tell you when they have other plans. They are a little shy--and don't put on airs. They are refreshing. They take you at your word and don't try to push for more. They just enjoy the outing for what it is. These are the kind of men that always flew under the radar because they don't try. They just are. I'm enjoying these friendships, yet I can tell I still have work to do to get over the pull I feel towards the other types.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
There is actually a term called "negging" that I recently learned about. Us 10s should be made aware
True line..after I made a comment to a guy about how I wasn't as exciting as my friends, so he would leave me alone... "I heard a rumor about you. I heard, that you think that I think your boring. And I want you to know that that's not true". Haha!
I am nervous about dating again. I am nervous because I worry about all the hiddens. The stuff that won't come out till years later. Or that I will be in denial about until years later. I am worried because I am a single mom. I'm really 38. I am worried because guys that are younger then me like me and I know they can go for women in their 20s. Or perhaps they will use me even unintentionally. They are the single ones, but why would they settle down with some one with a kid? Then there is a really good chance that the guys with kids my age or older have left their wives. I am sure a good percentage of them Did the same thing to their wives that my husband did to me. My husband will gain sympathy by saying I kicked him out and didn't let him see his son.
A very wise person suggested what you seem to be doing. She said to expand my social circle and just work on building friendships for now. That way, you or someone else you know can get a sense or warning of the red flags. I wasn't friends with my ex. We dated and then just never broke up because no real reason. Perhaps we both looked good to each other on paper. I didn't have much experience with relationships so just never thought to break up.
Hijack away. I completely relate to what you are saying. And I think your friends are on the right track. When I first thought about dating I thought I'd go no more than 5 years older or younger. i broke that rule on both ends. It is the younger guys that seem to be reliable. There is no future with someone 10+ years younger but I'm not looking for that right now anyway. I spent some time wondering what a younger guy would see in me, but I've kind of let that go when I met someone who both of us misread each other's age. We were both equally bummed a bit when the truth of the age difference came out. But we put it aside and have enjoyed spending time together. Made me realize I have a lot to offer other people that has nothing to do with age. This transition time is about trying new things, and learning about me and others.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Just read up on negging. That's crazy. I am pretty certain that one of my new friends who is actually closest in age with me uses this technique. He thinks he's funny but he is mean. Not just to me. It's snark--but too personal. I find it unattractive, but also kind of entertaining. He isn't subtle. The older ones tend to use the "dating is hopeless at our age so we should get together" that's is the least appealing approach to me. Honestly, I have my kids and marriage didn't treat me so well the first time around when I thought I had a prince. Why would I ever settle because it's all that's available. I'd rather be alone.
But the showering me with attention and then not showing up. Then apologizing for it with a reasonable but not fully acceptable excuse--that draws me in. I don't understand why. It keeps me thinking about the person, trying to figure out what happened. Wanting to believe the excuse was valid rather than accepting that I wasn't important enough. So to prove it I put myself right back in that same position. I guess it is my own ego needing to be fed. I will never fall for someone like that again, but the fact that it draws me in is something I feel I need to explore. It's consistent with my r with h. Wanting to believe the illusion so I ignore the actions that contradict it and I believe the excuses require me to give the person a pass. . so i am learning that it is ok for me to both give someone the benefit of the doubt while still holding my ground that their behavior is unacceptable. They might be telling the truth, but that doesn't mean I need to excuse the behavior. Self-care comes first.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
That dynamic you discuss.. Showering someone with attention and praise making it look like it is you and them against the world and then taking it away or insulting/demeaning/unfairly arguing is a tactic that cult leaders use to control. My first boyfriend did that. I'm glad you are recognizing your draw to men like that. I think they tell you sometching that you want to hear and it's easy to fall for it. Maybe it's about not needing to hear those words from someone else because you yourself know your value.
I am trying to recognize what my draw is.
I haven't started dating yet.. I think it's because I would want that commitment. I don't want to keep someone at distance or be someone they don't consider seriously. I don't like tempovary and its probably the reason I did not end a relationship with husband before we got married.
That dynamic you discuss.. Showering someone with attention and praise making it look like it is you and them against the world and then taking it away or insulting/demeaning/unfairly arguing is a tactic that cult leaders use to control. My first boyfriend did that. I'm glad you are recognizing your draw to men like that. I think they tell you sometching that you want to hear and it's easy to fall for it. Maybe it's about not needing to hear those words from someone else because you yourself know your value.
I think you are onto something here. I am more vulnerable to this when I'm alone. The day the kids leave is the worst. I am always tempted to reach out. I've tried making plans with female friends but it rarely gets past the "yes we have to plan that" stage. So that leaves me wanting to reach out to anyone just to feel connected. I've had better luck with cousins and other extended family. Family always shows up and I have a lot near by. That's kept me from reaching out to the game players. I also joined groups that gets me out of the house and around like-minded people. I'm looking into find a good book discussion GroupWise I think that would connect me with more women--and girlfriends are what I think I need right now. But I probably should also try and learn to be enough for me.
V you are right that walking away from game players is key.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Do you find that there are men out there who are ok with friendship and nothing more? I always imagined that they would only want to be friends if there was some sort of potential for intimacy. i wonder if I would want intimacy with someone that really should be just in the friend category simply because I am so intimacy starved. I haven't actually joined any groups yet. I think I have always been comfortable with independent pursuits, but realize I need to do that to expand my social circle.m
