Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

Well sure enough I did it again. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut sometimes about R talk. And as sure as hell its the jealousy of a freaking vibrator again!!
I know it's because I'm craving that type of attention from my W and not getting it, but I've got to do better at recognizing it and walk away
So here's what happened. I was in bedroom brushing teeth. I looked up and there was a charger going from my side of the old bed to a pillow. So I knew right away what it was. She said something like she hasn't used it in a couple weeks. Which is a lie. Anyways I could feel myself getting upset. At that point I should of just walked out. I said a few smartass things and I don't even remember what they were. I do remember one thing I said and that was, she said I was annoying her and I said I dont even care if I'm annoying you anymore. So I go into guest room. Well I can help myself because now I'm worked up. I walk back into MBR and at first apologize and tell her what I mean to say and that I'm just frustrated and that seeing that reminds me where we really are with things. From there I start going into how I feel like it is all about her and that she doesn't even ask me how I'm doing or how my day is going. I then begin to say how I don't even know why I'm still here and that this is getting very aggravating. That I feel like I'm just playing the husband role and that I am not getting what I need in a marriage in return. I told her I feel like plan B. I said that I can't make her love me that way. All she said to all of this was Ok.
I then told her to enjoy her time and I closed the door and left

I'm angry at myself for not controlling my emotions. I know this is a process but I feel myself becoming very frustrated that I am living in a marriage that I do not feel wanted.
I know that I've said lately that everything is great except the PT and being in separate bedrooms. And it is. It's actually been great other wise
But I can only go so long without getting what I need filled in a marriage.
Which is physical touch and feeling wanted.
I'm headed to lake tomorrow for a couple days with Son so at least I will be gone
I feel like an idiot. MC is on Thursday
Guess it will get discussed then