I just wanted to say that I think one of the very best things you are doing is differentiating yourself from your ex. It may take your older daughter a long time to understand and fully appreciate the different parenting style you are offering. However, I do believe one day she will compare what was "normal" at her dad's and what is "normal" with you.
Sometimes, I think it requires them to raise their own children to "get it." My step MIL used to smoke up with my h. He was in 3rd grade and she would get high with him and then light candles and let him take a bath stoned. When he first told me this, I was outraged at how she abused her power as an adult to be his friend. Never mind that he could have drowned! He saw it as "normal." Thankfully he went the athletic route in middle and high school and was never into drugs beyond that.
Many, many years ago, when my oldest was in 3rd grade (and I think h was already somewhere in MLC), out of the blue, he finally "got it," how wrong it was for her to do that with a child. He saw what a 3rd grader is and they are SO little and SO pure.
Keep going and kudos to you in stepping up to sponsor. I know you'll be great at it!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
