Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

doodler -- I think the 180 for me would be to say nothing about it. To really go with the idea that you can't believe anything she says, especially in a moment like that, and not seek follow up or try to talk with her about how much it hurts to hear that sort of thing, like I probably would have done previously.

[Coconut]

JRuss, validating is simply acknowledging you understand her feelings. You do not agree or disagree, you do not try and solve an issue, it simply is a statement acknowledging that you understand her feelings. You should never use the word "but" when validating.

If she says that she never has any fun and is miserable in the marriage, a validating statement would be:

- I understand that you are unhappy about how things were going in our M.



If she says she wants a divorce, you don't really validate, more like acknowledge:
I understand that you want a divorce, that is not what I want at this time, but I understand if you must make that decision.

like darkness said, you should go back and re-read the validating thread, that I believe Wonka posted.

[RSG]

doodler -- I think the 180 for me would be to say nothing about it. To really go with the idea that you can't believe anything she says, especially in a moment like that, and not seek follow up or try to talk with her about how much it hurts to hear that sort of thing, like I probably would have done previously.

I'm not great at this, but I'm getting better. I had a huge argument with WW yesterday. She threatened to get a L involved and start things up. Early on, this would've terrified me. Now? Meh, we were arguing and she tried to scare me. (I was angry and tried to scare her in response lol) You can't take everything they say in the heat of the moment as a likely action. I'm about 7 weeks in, the vets here say that's nothing and it's taken me 7 weeks to realize they're right....

Try not to mention how it hurts. She doesn't care, and it will make YOU hurt more. Trust me. You hurt enough as is.

[JRuss]

Thanks coconut -- just finished reading Wonka's thread. Good stuff. I actually started trying to really re-work the way I communicated with my W going back a pretty long while when I first started IC and after reading MWD's book, so it's not a completely new concept to me. I've shot myself in the foot in the past, though, by pushing to get some sort of sign that changes were being noted and possibly changing her mindset, so my challenge is to validate without expectation, I think.

[Cadet]

validate without expectation

Those expectations get us all the time.

Yes bring them all down to zero.

[JRuss]

Devil's in the details, Cadet! The how is what I've got to figure out. Expectations, hope -- whatever you want to call it -- seems to have a mind of its own.

[Cadet]

Devil's in the details, Cadet! The how is what I've got to figure out. Expectations, hope -- whatever you want to call it -- seems to have a mind of its own.

I think that EXPECTATIONS and HOPE are two different things.

Looking it up I came up with this

The root of your question is perhaps “how can I have desire, without attaching to it?”. How can we dream, but keep our dreams soft and flexible, so that whatever happens doesn’t agitate us, cause us to suffer, minimize disappointment.

SO this gets back into detachment, IMHO.

[Cadet]

Here is an even better explanation

Hope is something we create internally and through our desires we project out into to the world – hope depends only on us: our dreams, our goals, and our thoughts.
We hope for an outcome, we hope for things to happen, and we hope to feel a certain way when “it” happens.
Hope springs eternal and does not need others to be involved in our journey.

Expectations are a completely different thing because by their nature others are intimately (and often unsuspectingly) involved every step of the way.
While they are also created internally, expectations are immediately infused with judgment and criticality based on “what would we do.”
Expectations are like writing a screenplay for others and chiding those who don’t play their role the way you’ve intended. “Unfulfilled” expectations create detours and unnecessary delays on our road to happiness.

[Buxom]

Love that cadet. I need this too.

Jesus, you can do it. And when we slip and we will, we just go and realign again.

[Buxom]

Ok that should be jruss not Jesus, please correct!!!