My wife walked out 3

[sandi2]

Walked outside and she started talking about money. Needless to say, my good mood was in the crapper. All I needed was one thing to set me off. "I'm not paying for the tag, it was only $20!" Boom. Things escalated from there. She threatened to get a lawyer, so I said how will you pay. I just glared at her. "SLUT" rang throughout my mind. "Why are you looking at me that way." I held my tongue. Things still escalated. "Therapy costs a ton. I've been paying for it alone for an entire year." "I didn't know it was that much then!" Then Ichanged tact. "Maybe you would have if you didn't run away." "I didn't
do anything then." "Yes you did..."

We drove away. Still pissed off. I sent a snarky text and finished it with "you're so special." "Huh" "Texting your boyfriend while we sign S up for school?!"

You may have lost your cool Clint sunglasses on that round.

I answer, she laughs and says it was some kid counselor at camp who's the son of a Dean. Calls me crazy and paranoid. Then I was surprised. "What about you? Being secretive about where you are? Are you dating? Are you seeing somebody?" "No." Figure if I'm in the gutter I may as well ask, and she says she's not involved with OP
anymore. She says she's trying to get her, uh, "stuff" together and is trying to schedule counseling and needs to get back with them.

Are you positive you saw OM's name when she was texting?  If you did, then I think she's lying, in part, anyway.  She was laughing b/c you showed your jealousy.  You were responding like a jealous high school boyfriend.

I come home, and send her a text. I apologize saying I'm working hard on my own stuff, admit that that name triggers my anger and validate that it probably does look crazy to her. Done.

I want to make a suggestion, and I hope you will consider making it new behavior change. I think you should break yourself from texting her and bring up the subject that you just had with her.  You could have apologized when the two of you were on the phone earlier.  To return to the subject again.......plus you persuing by initiating a text regarding something personal between the two of you.......sets you back a little bit.  It shows her things you should not reveal at this time.  Mainly, it tells her you are still hooked, and it appears that you are seeking a response from her.  So, please break yourself from this action.

Well. Good things I learned: The anger is gone. It flowed through, and I'm not angry anymore. She isn't involved with anyone. I've confirmed therapy for me is 100% necessary. She's insecure about the idea of me seeing someone. She sees therapy is necessary for her. It's obvious we need to be separated longer.

The anger gone is temporary, and probably b/c she said she's not involved with anyone.  (Did she really say, "anyone", or did she specify OM?).  She is insecure about the idea of you dating.  All of it put you in a better mood.  But, you still have an anger problem
that is just wait waiting to be triggered.  Is your therapist covering this problem and giving you the tools to help you?

Bad things I learned: I haven't even started to delve into it in 6 weeks, but I have MASSIVE trust issues with this woman. Even if she begged me, her coming back home now would literally break us both and put us both into massive depression. Trust and forgiveness are issues 1A and 1B I need to work on in therapy. I need to SHUT THE
FUDGE UP.

I agree.  And, your certainly need to STFU.   I'm going to say something about your trust and forgiveness issues.  Once your trust has been violated by the other person, then it is up to them to earn back a little trust at a time.  You aren't able to believe or "trust"
her word now.  Her actions must consistantly line up with her words. In time, she can earn a little more......and a little more......until you feel that you can trust again.  But why are you pressuring yourself about not being able to trust her now?  This is up to her......not you.  This is a big part of the WW's work, and it should be required when returning to, and healing the MR.

The forgiveness is not the same as trust, IMHO.   I believe the big difference in the two is this:  Forgiveness cannot be earned. It is an act of grace, and grace is never earned.  It is entirely left up to the injured person to choose to forgive, or not to forgive.  The injured person can even choose to forgive the other person..........but never trust them again.  People have divorced and the injured spouse could eventually forgive, but would not be placed in the position of trusting that other spouse again.........b/c the other spouse did not change his/her behavior/actions.  The injured party forgave, for their own sake.
It was for themselves, not so much for the other person.

If the couple decides to work together to heal the MR, forgiveness is an absolute necessity for the betrayed spouse.  It takes time for deep injuries to heal, and I've been told that betrayal is a unique pain that nobody understands without experiencing it.  The betrayed spouse who is so quick to tell the cheating spouse that they forgive them..........many times right after discovering the affair even though the cheater could care less)........may be a spouse who has not had time to really process the shock,  pain, anger, etc.  I have seen some cases where the betrayed spouse would tell the cheating spouse they forgave, when really, it was an attempt to smooth things over to prevent divorce.

Well, this post has become way too long and there is so much more I want to add, but I will stop here. Tomorrow is another day.