my finger and hand hurt. i'm typing with as few words as possible. thank you all for your support.
i don't know if my going dark lately had any effect. i called her on way to hospital, i said i was nervous. she was very nice and small talk with me all the way there (shows care). she was busy at work. she came to pick me up and was vey nice. she cried as soon as she saw me.
she said thats me when asked if she is my family member. she helped dress me. she bought groceries for me and helped me get my pain pills. we chit chatted in the car and it was nice. she continues to share details and talks about family.
when we got home she helped me undress and get settled. we sat for a few minutes and she of course asked about papers. i was still dizzy from anesthesia and emotional anyway and started sobbing. she started crying too. she tried to leave and say she had to get back to work and it was a bad idea for her to pick me up. i said i was sorry but i couldn't hold in my emotions anymore after hearing that (WTF kind of ? is this now?).
apparently my going dark hasn't effected her at all, she still pushes for it. we R talked a little and i said i understood why she felt she had to leave me. she said that was in the past. i agreed and said i wanted to focus on the future. i said i wanted her to be happy and i can't tell her how to feel but to not feel guilty bec of me, i've already forgiven her. we hugged a lot and cried and held hands. i said i'm going to feel real embarassed tomorrow when meds wear off and she said nonsense.
i asked if she would visit me tomorrow (today) her day off and she said she was she was going to a concert but would stop off during the day. she said she would call me later in the evening. she called later and said it was too emotional for her and she couldn't stop by and visit. i apologized for being so emotional and said i promised i wouldn't be that way if we didn't R talk. she said she would call me today. i guess i will see what happens.
my going dark seems to have only made it easier for her to detach from me further. i know it is only a finger, but she can't even hang out with me for 10 minutes without asking about papers. my hand hurts like heck, my heart and soul hurt way more.
