First Buds

[mustardseed]

Thank you. I am happier than I was. I'm also more cautious. I look back on pictures of us together and my eyes look old and tired. Recent pictures that heaviness is gone.

I am looking at pictures from when I was in my 20s and the kids were young and I was happy to find my happily ever after. In my 30s when I felt safe and secure with the life path that I chose. I thought I was happy, but those eyes don't look happy. Perhaps because the only pictures of us together were for events that usually were prefaced with some odd sort of encounter.

H being pouty--his mood filling the room with a noxious energy that has us all on edge. Me trying to make light of it--being positive--getting dressed up and making a special occasion of an outing with my H, with my family.

There's a comment about the fact that I put on make up. A look that says a lot and nothing all at the same time that makes me question what I chose to wear? I try to get the information from him to put my mind at ease--"Do I look ok? Does this match? Should I wear something else."
"You look fine, let's get this over with?" Was that approval? I have no idea but I am going to make the best of it--and I feel like I look appropriate so I will just go with that.

We get there and the brooding neanderthal has disappeared. He is jovial. Life of the party. We are all laughing. He seems to be making plans to do it again. I am relieved. It was a good day. It will happen again and life is good.

And then we are back in the car, and the neanderthal is back. I try to make conversation. "That was fun. I hope we do it again soon."

Silence.

"Did you have fun? You seemed to be enjoying yourself."
"It was fine. I just want to get home."

The end.

So those pictures, with my sad and heavy eyes. That was me on edge. Me hoping, pleading, wanting to believe the public image was true. It was exhausting. I can't turn things on and off as well as he can. It aged me to have to live that way.

I have more wrinkles than I did then, but I am carrying less weight--both physically and emotionally. And my eyes look younger. There is a spark back in them. I have noticed that I turn heads. Not that I gauge my value on that, but there is a bit of an ego boost. I wear make up every day now, because I like it. I wear what feels good. I feel younger than I did a decade ago. People tell me I look younger than my age. I lost my baggage--and took years off my age in the process.

I am not looking to fall in love again. But I am paying attention to the dynamics that come with courtship. I am paying attention to these dynamics to identify why I am drawn to the people I am drawn to. I've gone out and met people, perhaps some of those outings can be called dates. There are those men that decide to take the approach of knocking me down a notch in an effort to convince me they are my only hope.

Line: "It is hard for people our age to meet someone."
What I think: Actually, it hasn't really been that hard to meet people at all. Knowing who is worth my time tends to be the tricky part. Especially since I always have been a "benefit of the doubt" type person.

What I do: Ignore the comment. Delete the text. Lose the number.

Line: "I want to get together with you for blah blah blah" Call me when you get into town (wake up, get off work)"
I call and don't hear back for days.
What I think: Did I really just get stood up? Set up? Hopes up for nothing?
What I do: Go ahead with my plans anyway. When the excuse comes the next day or a few days later I respond with a brief Ok. Then I resist the urge to get sucked into the cycle again. This has happened numerous times with one particular person. I am not sure what my draw to him is. We go months without talking then another connection is made. I want a friendship with him, nothing more. He claims the same. Maybe that is what friends do.

And then there are the back handed compliments. The non-committal responses. Perhaps I am guilty of it too. I flirt while making it clear I want nothing more than friendship. Maybe it is a game I play.

Then there are the reliable ones. The solid guys that always respond. That let you know when they are available and aren't afraid to tell you when they have other plans. They are a little shy--and don't put on airs. They are refreshing. They take you at your word and don't try to push for more. They just enjoy the outing for what it is. These are the kind of men that always flew under the radar because they don't try. They just are. I'm enjoying these friendships, yet I can tell I still have work to do to get over the pull I feel towards the other types.