First Buds

[mustardseed]

I still seek validation. Am I doing this right? Did I make a mistake? Constantly questioning my every move. I am learning to trust myself more. I feel stronger in my convictions. I am feeling more confident that my opinions matter. I am regaining a sense of self that I lost when I took on the role of H's wife.

It feels good, but I am still testing these wings. I got feedback on our last encounter that happened in front of a neutral party--a professional. I did good. Better than good--apparently. If this happened without witness I would would be questioning if H was right. Was what I said controlling? Insulting? Overstepping boundaries? I'd be providing H's dialogue in my mind--that voice that still creeps in sometimes leaving me confused. That voice that sends me retreating. But instead I got validation--praise even. I was assertive! I think that is the first time I ever heard that said about me. Neutral party was impressed at how strong and confident I handled myself, and how I never stooped down to H's level--I never insulted. Although, I know he thinks I did. His voice in my head is telling me I did by not being completely supportive of everything he is and does. I am so grateful to have had that conversation in that setting. It shows I have come along way. It helps me put the past 15 years of conversations with H into perspective.

I continue my work. I continue to move forward. Reading a new book on surviving Narc Abuse. It is eye opening. I can't go dark. And even gray rock is not working in my best interest because I want the kids and those around us (all connected to H and OW) to see me thriving--to see my strength. There is an alternative, apparently. Observe, Don't Absorb. I am a scientist taking data on every interaction. I am on the outside looking in. Not provoking, just observing. I'm taking myself out of the experiment. I can be detached. Today there will be two separate encounters with H and OW. I will put on my lab coat and take notes.