So sorry to hear about the finger accident! But, it does seem like a good opportunity to open a door for W to give what she might be comfortable with giving right now. I hope that goes well for you.
Karen makes good points above. Forgiveness is really important. And of course the guilt and the resentment and anger are all going to be roadblocks until she is able and willing to sort out those feelings. Some of these WAS seem like they would rather throw out the baby just to avoid feeling the temperature of the bathwater!
You can't "take away" her guilt, though, so don't fool yourself. She needs to work through that on her own. You can let her know you are working on your stuff and that you forgive her for any things that you both agree she's "done". Be the safe friend as best you can. My experience has been that a certain degree of detachment is needed to be able to do this consistently.
I'd also advise not talking to her family in this way. It could very well seem intrusive and pressuring, even controlling, to her. I think it's OK to show your changes to her family if you have the opportunity and to let them see (don't tell them) how much you love and care for her. Let them see-- and make their own opinions. But don't even give the appearance of enlisting them to your cause.
Seattle, sometimes you seem to be struggling so hard against what you know you need to do, both for W and for you: give her a bit of space and detach from the things that aren't yours to control. I've tended to do the exact same thing, so I'm not hitting you with the 2x4, just a little switch.
It all feels ridiculously difficult sometimes, and I can feel the emotion in your post. But hey, look how strong you are-- I know you're up to it.
