Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

I had a hard, confusing night and morning. Our nanny quit suddenly last night without warning, and we don't have a backup. As I've mentioned previously, my W and I both have pretty demanding jobs so really need a nanny for afternoon pickups and care and some full days in the summer just for the family to function. Inlaws are some help but far less than I think we anticipated when we moved here. It's not presently clear how we're going to handle childcare over the next few weeks.

Anyway, the nanny quit by e-mail with no notice, and my W pretty much decompensated completely. Crying and, while not exactly ranting, talking a mile a minute (not like her, at all -- she's usually very guarded) about how unsatisfying her life is, how little joy or fun there is in it, how she feels like she's been reduced to a robotic existence just serving others, etc. She tried calling her mother to see if she could fill in today, and her mother (who couldn't help because she prior plans) apparently told her something to the effect of "I told you about my plans ____ days ago" (we actually don't commit her schedule to memory, LOL), and "Life is hard, you just have to roll with it". W then really got upset, got into it with her mother some and hung up. She came up to me and said "You've always been so amazed that I don't want to share my feelings; well, that's why-- because when I do, I end up feeling even worse". That was an issue she's cited in the past for why/how she started losing her feelings for me (I wasn't a good listener), although I know I've made huge strides in that department over the last two years by meditating, going to IC and reading a [expletive] load of self-help books.

There was only one real dagger in there. At one point she said "I'm not sure I can make it two years (referencing the time frame she's indicated she's willing to ease our kids into the idea that their parents are going to divorce) in a life that has no fun in it". So I had to confront those feelings and the reality that she's absolutely counting the days.

Anyway, I'm there, taking this all in, trying to remember my DB rules, getting rocked by the 2-year comment and trying not to show it, not really being able to quiet my brain due to the intensity of the moment, knowing I'm supposed to listen and validate but also thinking about how I can't get too pressing or smothering or do anything out of a motivation to score relationship points. I think I was able to be pretty present and calm in the end, but I don't honestly know.

This AM she went right back into the same mode before leaving for work. I think I did a little better than the night prior, just trying to be quiet but present and non-judging. I really just wanted to hug her (she really reminded me a lot of our children when they are really worked up and upset) but I knew that's a definite no-no.

I guess it was good she shared this stuff with me(?), but it's also daunting knowing how dissatisfied she is with her [italics]entire[/italics] life. I was left with the feeling that I'm only part of what she dislikes about her existence. She pretty much dislikes it all: the job, parenting, me, her relationship with her family. It doesn't give me much hope that anything at all that I do is going to matter even if I somehow were to end up being the greatest DB practitioner of all times. And, honestly, I don't really have any hope, at all, that she's not going to divorce me. I do maybe feel the first little breath of detachment setting in, though, because nothing I do at this point is going to matter -- it's her issues she has with her life and the choices she made to get where she is. If she doesn't resolve any of what's hurting her so much, it isn't going to matter at all what I do. What can you do with someone who looks at the prospect of being a single mom and is convinced it will give her a life that's more "fun" and not so robotic? I live in fear of losing half of my kids' lives to divorce, and she sees it as a path to a better life.

She's going out of town this weekend. I'm really looking forward to just focusing on the kids and not having to deal with any of this until at least Sunday night.

Does anyone think it a good idea for me to send a quick e-mail to her to let her know I heard her and to validate her feelings (well, other than the ones that suggest a zeal for a divorce)? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks for "listening". I realize I probably write way too much, but I find it cathartic to get it out, and my therapist is on vacation until next Wednesday :>.