Waw, she is in love, need advice/support II

[Bear007]

Often times, the W will put the spot light on whatever she can find to make the H appear guilty of the same thing she may have done. She will accuse and blame, and blow it out of proportion. It gives her a sense of justification.

Stay focused on your goals, and whenever she digs to find whatever she can to pin on you............just shake your head, give a small laugh, and move on. You are not required to give an account of nonsense.

Thank you for this, this are my thoughts also.

Another issue that has been growing lately is her time on mobile, it has grown to addiction, where she literally cannot take her eyes off phone (facebook, Instagram, youtube, wotewr).

I know in this digital society we are all to blame for this, but from the moment she wakes up till she falls asleep there is a phone connected to her arm, and this has bad influence on child - I have found them several times last week - each on her own device.
Tried talking about the issue, she did not hear a word... took few pictures, confronted her about influence she has on child, but she is just in her own world now, does not care how it influences anyone.

Her plan to get a yob until end of school year has also failed (9 more days to go), she did not divorce as she promised in February, so everything she does is on hold, unfortunately she is holding me and child as hostage.
(just a reminder - she still lives in same household, does not have a job and all her living expenses are paid by savings(I earned in last 10+y))

I mean, yes - I can do things everywhere but home, because when I start work on something while she is at home (and she is ALWAYS at home (except when in gym) ) she is there to tell me that I am doing it wrong, or that she needs to use that room/appliance I am using.

I try to ignore her and try to finish my job, but somehow it disrupts me and I quit.

I learned I am much happier when she is not around, because for that full hour or so I get so much house-work done.

To sum it up - I am a hostage of Facebook addicted want-to-be-ex-wife.

[Bear007]

Lot of activities on all fronts for me, child has last week of school so end-parties, final talent shows... every day had some activity.

Also my GAL activities have some gatherings, obligations.

Last Saturday I got a little intoxicated and showed her some affection - she was cold as ever - no need for me to go with that route again. Still I am confused by her numerous attempts to get intimate, and she did not even try anything? I guess if she does not initiate it, then nothing.

Last week she got rejection for a job she really wanted and she almost went crying... but it ended with her googling the candidate that got the yob and accusing her of nepotism. I took a peek at the other candidate and beside other candidate was obviously better suited for the job, this other candidate had stunning CV. I just mentioned that maybe it was not nepotism, and maybe there was someone better than her for the job - I got accused that I am not supporting her.
Drama, drama everywhere...

[Bear007]

Continuing on last Saturday "I got a little intoxicated and showed her some affection" - this resulted in a brief 'time off', she sneaked in in my bed, snuggled, hugged, kissed.

She still knows what she wants - to leave, but she has used a chance since I am available and close, safe choice.
This one I played wrong, but hey, tomorrow is another day.

Vacation time is coming, and she still has not found a job, so I asked legitimate question: what are her plans - is she coming along with me and child, or what.
She avoids answering directly, she just said she does not know if she will get a job in next 2 weeks.
I feel sorry for her, since up until now it was I who pushed her to work and found something for her to work on, I feel like an entrepreneur - I can find new job in less than a month, be it a freelance or to work for someone. It does not have to be paid good, but I will find something. She on the other hand has to have everything done for her and now that she has to make everything on her own - she can feel that it is not always easy in real world. I am just waiting for her to learn a lesson: sometimes take the harder job for less pay just to make a living.

[Bear007]

Summer holidays are approaching and now since she has not found a job she wants to come to vacation with us (me and child).

We are staying at her mom's summer house, since she insisted that we don't say anything to anyone until she moves out... and plan was that only I and child go there.

Since summer house does not have spare rooms, I guess she will have to sleep in the same bed (double) with her... I don't know how to behave, but will have to figure something...

[Bear007]

Long time that I did not write, I have been lurking on forum, but no real inspiration since thing have been in new normal.

But then, inspiration comes from living, and goals that were set.

Summer holidays (for school children) are in week 3, and while first week she did not want to go with my wife's mother on 1 week grandma time, cried and generally did not want to go. So she was forced to go, and eventually enjoyed her week.
Last week, she was supposed to go with me to my parents for 'other grandma' time.
This time she wanted to go, but with me only, and did not want to stay alone. Plan was to still leave her with my parents for a week, and this was until the morning we were about to leave my wife said:
'Daughter, if you don't want to stay with grandma, don't stay and come back with daddy'

So it seems that we have double criteria at work here, when it is her parent than we must force child to be with her, and when it is my parents child decides what they want to do.

This of course creates problems for me because there is no consistent parenting and leaves me with 2 options - equally bad:
1. to force child to stay with my parents - giving totally wrong message about me (bad cop) and other parent (good cop)
2. to sabotage any future stay with her mom the same way (wrong thing to do on so many levels)

I understand that she is delusional and self oriented but what I want to be is a good parent and she is making it a very hard mission.

[Bear007]

As time goes by I go through this up and down phases, sometimes I am sad, maybe even depressed, sometimes I am full of optimism toward future.

More and more I think it will be better for both of us when we separate, child will adapt. Am I going the wrong way or is it normal to lose sight of saving marriage?

[KyleR]

I'm no expert but I would say there is nothing wrong with losing site of the marriage, I know I have.

Someone once told me on here that you're not fighting to save this marriage as it is already over. You are working on yourself, for yourself and one day in the future you may get a chance to build a new relationship with your spouse.

I gave up on saving my marriage a couple of weeks ago because when I actually sit down and think about the past couple of years with my W I don't like what I see. If, and it's a big if, we were ever to reconcile things have to be drastically different or I would find myself here again a couple years down the line.

[RSG]

As time goes by I go through this up and down phases, sometimes I am sad, maybe even depressed, sometimes I am full of optimism toward future.

More and more I think it will be better for both of us when we separate, child will adapt. Am I going the wrong way or is it normal to lose sight of saving marriage?

Yes, it's normal. Because the woman you SEE isn't the one you know. And likely not the one you want. You miss and mourn the woman you KNOW and want her to come back. Your emotions will def go through a roller coaster. That's 1000% normal.

[Bear007]

I gave up on saving my marriage a couple of weeks ago because when I actually sit down and think about the past couple of years with my W I don't like what I see. If, and it's a big if, we were ever to reconcile things have to be drastically different or I would find myself here again a couple years down the line.

I think I am on same route. Don't like it, but I am sure that I will change, and definitely not same person. Things must be different, because I did lots of compromises to keep thing running, while other side did less (as I see it).

... the woman you SEE isn't the one you know. And likely not the one you want. You miss and mourn the woman you KNOW and want her to come back. Your emotions will def go through a roller coaster. That's 1000% normal.

It is a mix, I like this new woman's body, but what I miss is the old wife's good days personality. There were bad days and I don't miss those.

[KyleR]

I didn't see it at the time but my W really took advantage of me and I was the typical 'nice guy' that let her do it.

I used to do most of the housework, all the clothes washing/ironing, the food shopping and get up with the kids most mornings. I used to stay at home with the children while my W went to friends houses or went out for drinks 3-4 nights a week.

I was a complete doormat because in my head I thought "happy wife, happy life".....Didn't get me very far