Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

So, i had a much better day today. In fact, it was as really good day again.

I went ice skating, then got lunch with my R-friend. (I've decided to start using a letter for my friends, as it's so much easier.) She and I then got some lunch and we went strawberry picking again. We had a nice girl talk about my L-friend entanglement, which is something totally new for me, and a very nice change from just bottling up the topic altogether, which is what I've done for my whole life.

H was my best friend and I almost never shared any details of our relationship with anyone else. I've just always been very private. I shared the pain and struggle of H's ED with exactly two people in 25 years, and then only very briefly, although it had incredibly deleterious effects on us both. Had I been able to share what was going on, I think that I would have learned much earlier that it wasn't because there was something wrong with me, or that I was not attractive or not doing things right, or whatever. I lived with those feelings for at least 12 years before we got help from a doctor. It was very, very difficult and left us both with deep wounds and scars, not from any anger, just from pain. We were just kids when we met, and the problem existed from day one.

So anyway, this time I decided it was time to do a 180. I wasn't going to bottle up my concerns and thoughts behind a veil of privacy, and I discovered that it's nice to have another woman to talk to.

So after I got home from strawberry picking, I talked to L-friend about what he said that bothered me, and he apologized and came over for an 18 mile semi-hilly bike ride, and that was excellent. Most of the time I've been riding with him on a 16 mile ride in a big city park that is fairly flat, though pleasant, but I prefer the back country roads. There's more shade with roads that wind through the woods, and there areno other bikers/walkers/joggers/rollerbladers to avoid. There's a car that goes by now and again, but very few. It's just a lovely ride, and it's my home town, so I've been riding these roads for most of my life. I like feeling a deep connection to where I live.

After biking, we made some dinner, spent some together, and then he headed home. Yes, I caved in to my need for comfort a few days ago. A friend of mine said I'd be married until I didn't feel married any more. I guess I just don't. I have dropped the rope, so to speak. H has thoroughly washed his hands of me and there has been absolutely zero contact, at all, in almost three months. He's gone, deep in the throes of his new life and new relationship, traveling all over the place, I have no idea where he even lives any more or if he is even still working or where. I accept that, and know that I cannot change it. I'm left needing to learn how to navigate the world on my own, and I am doing so.

This isn't a rebound R with L-friend because we both know that there is no future path that we could both walk. I am deeply in love with my farm and he's a city boy, and that's OK with both of us. Never mind that he's 14 years older than I am, and various other long-term deal breakers... We are just two people who both enjoy being active outdoors, and we can offer each other some measure of comfort. He offered himself to me after that heartbreaking hug over the weekend, and I thought about it for days. We talked about boundaries and expectations and how it would work, and the bottom line is that we are friends first, and there are realistic expectations with that. It's been good for me to remember that I was an individual with my own needs long before H entered my life, and I will remain so for the rest of my life. I don't need a man in my life all the time, but it is very nice to have one visit sometimes.

Anyway, I hope that you won't think of me too harshly. I know very well that some people here will think that I am doing something wrong, and I have no answer for them. All I know is that I am finally back to the point that I can imagine my life going on and begin good again, and allowing myself the comfort of human touch is part of that process. It is still early days, and I am not at all ready for a love relationship, but I am ready to remember that I am a whole human being. I have an aunt that is still angry and bitter over 30 years after her husband left her, blaming men and the universe, never allowing herself to be with anyone else. I am choosing to look for the good that life still has to offer.

After L-friend left, I took another long moonless night walk through my fields. I may not be very good at meditation, but the calm and comfort and peace that these walks bring me is beyond price.

My skunk karma must still be good because while I was looking up at the stars, I almost walked right into one! What caught my attention and made me scan the dark was a tiny scent of musk in the air! It was in the path about 6 feet away from me. It never jumped, raised its tail, or made any sign that it was frightened or felt threatened. I just talked to it softly, and it went on its merry little skunk way. What cool little creatures.

Tomorrow I have to get up at the crack of dawn because I am going cherry-picking with R-friend. I will be a totally new experience for me. I love picking berries, apples, anything really. It's very soothing, gathering food.

My "chicken in a bathtub" is installed again. She seemed to be back to normal this afternoon, and so tI let her out to spend time with her chicken buddies, doing chicken things, but when I went to lock up the coop for the night, there she was, back in her full grumpy broody-hen splendor, holding court in the same nest box again. Sigh. Back into isolation...

I hope that everyone has a good night. I want to check in on your threads, but I have to get myself at least a few hours of sleep. It's almost 2 am and I have to get up by 6. Oops.

Thank you so much, Dory Grl, SuperHawk, JimKao and Vanilla for checking in on me and for your kind words. Sending positive energy out to all of you. HUGS!!!