Chapter 3. Let the detachment begin

[bigybiz]

Thanks Sandi2. I appreaciate your pat on the back. It's nice to know that afer months and months - I may be learning a few things.

When you say protect your self do you mean?

document what we agree upon so there is no mistake

or

completely separate ourselves financially?

or something else

[bigybiz]

Not sure how I did this evening.

I came home from a event that was family focused. I was telling S10 about it and all the things at the event that he would have liked i.e. food, balloon animals, loot bags, etc.

He asked my why I did not take him - I told him it was his mums night - that's why.

She pulled me into the kitchen and told me I should not have done that. It was not nice to tell him all the things he was missing and because it was mom's night.

I told her that I hear that it may have looked like I was teasing him - but that is the reality. And our lives are going to be full of missed opportunities because of "the situation".

She went on to say that she would have been reasonable and perhaps in most cases she would say that would be fine. I told her I was not interested in horse trading with her and this is what the future holds for S10. S15 will make his own choices.

I told her in the future I could tell him the next day. She said it did not matter when - it's how.

I think I may have been a little rough on S10 in hindsight - but I'm guessing I played it right with W.

How did I do?

[Wonka]

Face palm

Really? That one's a whopper and you got "F" for it.

[bigybiz]

Follow up - spoke to S10 - he was not concerned at all. He was not upset. I recant my earlier statement, I was not rough on him. I was direct and truthful with him.

I think I handled her well. I told her the truth and did not back down or apologize.

Wonka - really an F? I demand a recount

[JellyB]

Hi Bigybiz,

First time posting on your thread.

Hope you don't think I am being too forward.

I agree with Wonka on this one.

Looks like an attempt at point scoring. The above just comes across as the actions of a bitter man. Not the actions of loving father. Which I have no doubt your are, or why would you be here.

Sometimes our ego tells us it is the right thing to do, but really it's just our ego blowing off steam.

If I had been your W, I would have called you out on it too.

Kids are in the middle of this by shear misfortune. No need to put them there and highlight it if you don't have to.

Children do appreciate truth and reality, at the appropriate times and for the biggies.

Save your truth telling for the stuff that really matters.

And sometimes reality su*ks already no reason to belabour the point.

I'm glad your son is no worse for wear.

Hope things in your situation improve, this is hard stuff.

I wish you and your family only good things.

Jellyb

[bigybiz]

OK - Thanks for being forward. As I said, I thought I might have blown it.

[SH_]

Hi bigy, I am. Hiking in here, not to pile on, but to provide support and to continue on the message that I have been conversing with you about for some time.

Looks like an attempt at point scoring. The above just comes across as the actions of a bitter man. Not the actions of loving father. Which I have no doubt your are, or why would you be here.

Sometimes our ego tells us it is the right thing to do, but really it's just our ego blowing off steam.

JB is spot on here. It does sound like point scoring. Think about that. The tone of your posts and even the title of your threads sound as if a score or game is being played. I have shared the message many times in this community that we are what we think and the words that many share here are the words of the thoughts that play in our mind constantly.

You have been counseled by several DBers to be cautious with the "keeping score" approach. I want to challenge you to dig deep and purge this thought pattern from your mind. Your actions and words will then better adjust course for being what you really desire them to be.

Overcoming the ego, will be the biggest part of this challenge. Also IMHO overcoming the ego makes detaching an easier action to make. And we know that this is an action that you are trying to accomplish.

Kids are in the middle of this by shear misfortune. No need to put them there and highlight it if you don't have to.

Children do appreciate truth and reality, at the appropriate times and for the biggies.

Save your truth telling for the stuff that really matters.

And sometimes reality su*ks already no reason to belabour the point.

I'm glad your son is no worse for wear.

Hope things in your situation improve, this is hard stuff.

I wish you and your family only good things.

Jellyb

JB hits it on the head again here. We do not need to share every detail of things with our children. And more importantly we do not ever want to express to our children that their mother is the cause of any issues or pain for their or our own lives. We all know that it is not cool to speak poorly of others mothers, and IMHO it is even less cool that anyone, including ourselves speak poorly of our children's mother.

Keep this in mind and you will converse with your children in a manner the highlights and praises their mother. I would even go so far to admonish our own children not to speak poorly of their mother. Children will figure out things and tend to take sides. Your posts indicate that yours have taken your side so to speak. But, you will always be looked at as a better, person, man and father if you speak well of their mother. Please keep this in mind as you evaluate your ego to meet my challenge to you.

And know that I give this advice to you as I work on it myself. My ego is trying to protect me, and it is easy to make poor comments around my children, but I know it is wrong.
It is not about what I feel, it is about doing what I know is right, and the feedback from JellyB is the thing that is right.

Chalk it up as a learning opportunity and push on brother. Continue your efforts with detaching and this will become an easier thing to do.

[SH_]

Goodness gracious spell check totally changed my thought from " I am chiming in here..." To "I am. Hiking in here..."
SMH

[sandi2]

When you say protect your self do you mean?

Financially, mostly.

He asked my why I did not take him - I told him it was his mums night - that's why

.

I don't want to beat a dead horse, however, I think it is upsetting to read b/c it looks like a mean thing to do to a kid. I think you went into telling your son about the things he missed.........not to tease him (as you called it). You are trying to compete with your W! I have mentioned it before, and you must stop it or you will become your own worst enemy.

I told her that I hear that it may have looked like I was teasing him - but that is the reality. And our lives are going to be full of missed opportunities because of "the situation".

That is true, but you punished your son for something he can't help. You made sure your W heard you telling about your great time.......b/c it's really her that you want to say, "See what you are missing?".

Please, stop competing!

[SH_]

Drive by check in.

How are you my friend?