Quote: Is this her way of inviting a call or somthing? Or does she not want to talk to me?
I don't know, I just don't know. I know, that's not the answer you wanted to hear. But I do know you want her to intiate more contact with you, and a letter is a form of contact. Maybe you can send her the change with a thoughtful card? I'm inclined to wait a little longer on calling her, but that's just my opinion... I was looking for JJ's thread that Pam mentioned, but I can''t seem to find it.
I only have a second, but please don't mail the money back to her. She gave that to you for whatever reason and, to give it back, could be construed by her as a rejection of her kindness.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Thanks for the insights everyone. I really need them as usual. Really tough to detach and still be emotionally available, things I'm trying to focus on with my new thread.
Renew - I think her primary LL are AOS and gifts and WOA and physical touch (non sexual) but she is well versed in all. As far as whats working is the relaxed attitude and consistent efforts of friendship on my part. I'm going to continue to evaluate. I'm looking for a fresh persepctive on my DRing too, I hope its revealed to me soon. This is one of the longest times I've been dark and she has initiated contact in the past. I thank you for your insights about sharing her fears with me, I also like being there for her and want to be as well.
BB - I think a lot of what you've said applies to me right now. I have been very available to her almost all the time. As good as she is at blocking me out of her life, I don't feel I can wait too long to respond to any of her contacts right now. I will proceed cautiously and not rush, keep a relaxed attitude.
Pam - You are right, I've been doing way too much fretting and worrying and overanalyzing everything. I've made a vow to live my life not analyze it to death but it is hard to break away from those natural tendancies.
Christine - I have never thought of that point, it is a very good one. She is tight on $ right now and I know she gave me way too much $ for vet appointment. She also considers this "her dog" now and might feel like she needs to make a statement?
Please expand on your thoughts if you can or if anyone else has any thoughts about the $ and whether I should return it? I don't want to offend her or pressure her. I'm not sure it was out of kindness or trying to make a statement that this is her dog or maybe she is monitoring for my reaction since she knows I know she is tight on $.
Along with the tools, the $, and the note (all business, no mention of papers or call me or anything) she put a bill that she changed into my name and I will pay going forward. She dropped all of these things off by the back door when I wasn't at home. No call or anything.
Overanalyzing again? Last contact was over a week ago with her calling me and saying "Thanks for taking care of dog" and that was it. I'm not sure this is a communication bid or not, but I'm going to respond just in case it is, she would never call just to say Hi right now.
My options are to call and leave VM, call salon to talk with her (she might ask me about papers again), send her a card with $ back saying it was too much $. Opinions please.
Hey Seattle- I can see why you'd be wiped out, that was quite a post!! It was great though because there were many steps along the way of your sitch that I had forgotten about- good refresher.
I'm with Christine on the money, I wouldn't send it back to her. Instead maybe you could earmark it to be spent on her- maybe for dinner or flowers or another one of your great ideas. She seems to respond well to those gifts you give her.
Have you heard from her yet? Have you made any decisions on coming out of the dark? That is such a tough one for me, I hate to be dark for even a few days. I know it can be effective, but it just feels so scary!!
Seattle, in the past, who did the initial contact? You went dark a few times in the beginning, before DR. Did you initiate? What was her initial response to each time you came back? (Other than what you wrote) She seemed to be aggravated and hurt the first time, but perhaps she just needed you.
Do you feel as if she is afraid of feeling anything for you? Is that why she is so detached right now?
I know you want to rush right over there or call her, but DON'T; this is exactly what she expects you to do. "Oh, good old reliable, S, he'll come running as soon as I need him." Trust me, I want to call W everyday or night; we used to talk everyday before she left. And I know I would be devastated if she were not overjoyed to hear from me.
You are setting yourself up to be disappointed. Think about what Michele asks, why might she not be calling? Any number of reasons, which you have no idea what they are.
Keep the money. She knows her financial situation and likely she did that to reduce her guilt over something and if you return it, it will not work in your favor.
I've been in the sitch where I had more $$ from job than H and I almost think that it may be more of a pride thing(even for women, though prob more huge for men) that she wants to cover as much of the bill as possible. She's not doing so well financially, it is a sore spot- a "see- look I AM doing allright for myself" kind of thing, intertwined with the issue of her starting her own business that she felt unsupported in initially kind of thing.. Like it's her showing her independence and trying to feel good about herself. I'd say humor her, go along with it and keep it. Think that if you return it, may make her feel bad, that she needs a hand out- reinforcing that you are not on the same level moneywise- and that you are thinking she needs money b/c her business is not doing well. Common thing for people to not want to feel like a failure, or feel like they aren't measuring up if they need help moneywise. If you keep it, and act like you've just been helping a little and you assume her help on this- it will put you more on the same level with her. Keep looking for low-cost or free things to do for her and connect to her through...too. Being on the page along with her that she is defining, is going to keep taking you steps up on the way!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
I have only heard from her last tuesday (thanks for taking care of dog message) and then her dropping the stuff off with note and $ last night. No calls. By either of us. I can't tell by this stuff if she doesn't want to talk with me because she needs her space or if this/these are a communication bid? If she absolutely wanted nothing to do with me, she didn't have to call or drop off stuff, or could wait for me to inititate contact.
Quote: Seattle, in the past, who did the initial contact? You went dark a few times in the beginning, before DR. Did you initiate?
No, I let her inititate in the beginning (more of the same for her prior to S). She came closer but when I didn't inititate in return (more of the same for me prior to S), she went black (180 for her prior to S). I've been initiating ever since (180 for me prior to S). You can understand my sensitivity to responding to all of her communication bids.
Quote: What was her initial response to each time you came back? (Other than what you wrote) She seemed to be aggravated and hurt the first time, but perhaps she just needed you.
I think she did need me and still does. Maybe more so at that time. I think you are right on, "if he doesn't come after me he really doesn't love me or care, just like all the others" type feeling from her. This whole time I thought she needed her space.
Her responses have been varied. At first really cold. Then as I initiated more often, warmer and warmer. With the relaxed friend as if, she has been sharing and warmer than ever. Then some cold spells. Like now. Too close?
Part of the reason for bomb was she felt I didn't love her (or enough) and she loved me more. The passion and connection were gone to her, but I think to her she didn't want to have that for me if she didn't feel I had that for her. Does this make sense? Unworthiness of love stuff.
Quote: Do you feel as if she is afraid of feeling anything for you? Is that why she is so detached right now?
I absolutely feel this. She is afraid I'm going to hurt her again if she tries with me. Thus the "it may be wonderful but it may not" and the too little bs.
I just don't know where she is at, and I'm sure she is confused too. I know I've got to quit analyzing where she is but how do I do that and DR?
Could it be that as much as she conciously made this decision and "i NEVER look back at my decisions" she still has feelings for me? I believe she is torn because as much as she wants to force herself to do this (and I feel I'm losing ground to her new life without contact) her deeper feelings tell her its all wrong. Maybe she feels more of a need to be cold at these times? I guess I know the answer to this.
I do see the point of being her safety net and she may be testing me. I think timing is important, and I think the week + of no contact by me might be making her a little skittish to reach out but not in an obvious way? Tough to tell but I can't let any attempts at reaching out slip right now unless I'm prepared to let her slip away forever.
If I don't reciprocate than I'm not only detaching myself from the D but her as well. Then I'm not being emotionally available, or am I? True she looks at me as old dependable, but I love my old jeans and clothes, way more than my new ones. I understand the whole pursuer and distancer dynamic, but what if it didn't work before she knew I love her? Would it work now just because she knows I do love her?
I won't respond today, it is crazy for me today. But I do need to respond. Maybe tomorrow. I think I might keep the $ after all the input. I do need to be on her same page and respect her efforts. Thank you.
I just need to get my head clear before I make contact and how to make contact.
Quote: Hey guys, where do you get the cainer cast? Is it free or do you have to pay?
Sage has a link for it listed in the Just for Fun forum and it is free, although I think there is a much more involved one that you pay for if you want.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
But I do know you want her to intiate more contact with you, and a letter is a form of contact. Maybe you can send her the change with a thoughtful card? I'm inclined to wait a little longer on calling her, but that's just my opinion... I was looking for JJ's thread that Pam mentioned, but I can''t seem to find it. 