I have only heard from her last tuesday (thanks for taking care of dog message) and then her dropping the stuff off with note and $ last night. No calls. By either of us. I can't tell by this stuff if she doesn't want to talk with me because she needs her space or if this/these are a communication bid? If she absolutely wanted nothing to do with me, she didn't have to call or drop off stuff, or could wait for me to inititate contact.
Quote: Seattle, in the past, who did the initial contact? You went dark a few times in the beginning, before DR. Did you initiate?
No, I let her inititate in the beginning (more of the same for her prior to S). She came closer but when I didn't inititate in return (more of the same for me prior to S), she went black (180 for her prior to S). I've been initiating ever since (180 for me prior to S). You can understand my sensitivity to responding to all of her communication bids.
Quote: What was her initial response to each time you came back? (Other than what you wrote) She seemed to be aggravated and hurt the first time, but perhaps she just needed you.
I think she did need me and still does. Maybe more so at that time. I think you are right on, "if he doesn't come after me he really doesn't love me or care, just like all the others" type feeling from her. This whole time I thought she needed her space.
Her responses have been varied. At first really cold. Then as I initiated more often, warmer and warmer. With the relaxed friend as if, she has been sharing and warmer than ever. Then some cold spells. Like now. Too close?
Part of the reason for bomb was she felt I didn't love her (or enough) and she loved me more. The passion and connection were gone to her, but I think to her she didn't want to have that for me if she didn't feel I had that for her. Does this make sense? Unworthiness of love stuff.
Quote: Do you feel as if she is afraid of feeling anything for you? Is that why she is so detached right now?
I absolutely feel this. She is afraid I'm going to hurt her again if she tries with me. Thus the "it may be wonderful but it may not" and the too little bs.
I just don't know where she is at, and I'm sure she is confused too. I know I've got to quit analyzing where she is but how do I do that and DR?
Could it be that as much as she conciously made this decision and "i NEVER look back at my decisions" she still has feelings for me? I believe she is torn because as much as she wants to force herself to do this (and I feel I'm losing ground to her new life without contact) her deeper feelings tell her its all wrong. Maybe she feels more of a need to be cold at these times? I guess I know the answer to this.
I do see the point of being her safety net and she may be testing me. I think timing is important, and I think the week + of no contact by me might be making her a little skittish to reach out but not in an obvious way? Tough to tell but I can't let any attempts at reaching out slip right now unless I'm prepared to let her slip away forever.
If I don't reciprocate than I'm not only detaching myself from the D but her as well. Then I'm not being emotionally available, or am I? True she looks at me as old dependable, but I love my old jeans and clothes, way more than my new ones. I understand the whole pursuer and distancer dynamic, but what if it didn't work before she knew I love her? Would it work now just because she knows I do love her?
I won't respond today, it is crazy for me today. But I do need to respond. Maybe tomorrow. I think I might keep the $ after all the input. I do need to be on her same page and respect her efforts. Thank you.
I just need to get my head clear before I make contact and how to make contact.
