Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Thanks, sandi2. Sobering stuff, but I appreciate it. Wayward seems to fit, unfortunately. Her are some answers to your questions:

Has your W suffered any resent tragedy, like the sudden loss of someone very close or important in her life?

No.

Was your W exposed to any traumatic childhood issues, such as molestation, abuse, rape, or something else? Have you ever felt that she was holding a deep secret?

She has never said anything about anything traumatic like that. I suppose it is possible, but I have no way of knowing, and I do think she would have shared that with me back during the times when we were intimate and shared things. The only "deep secrets" I've ever gotten any whiff of are that she apparently started nursing grievances and falling out of love with me over a multi-year period without telling me. Recently, she took steps to find a rental house she could move to because she said she couldn't take anymore relationship discussions, my "pressing" her, felt like I was manipulating her, making her feel guilty, etc. She didn't go through with it after we talked and agreed we'd at least go slower for the benefit of the children.

The waywardness is born in the heart of wife that has harbored resentment and disrespect, especially, as well as other negative feelings. The negative attitudes toward her H become more visible. Eventually, signs of rebellion becomes more obvious. She becomes less and less a part of the team, and just does what she wants. Selfishness motivates her decisions.

I do think this is what I'm up against.

Your W may not have any type of affair, but she is very vulnerable to having one. She is looking for something....or someone that is better than what she has now.

Agreed. I get that I'm supposed to be detaching and GALing and giving her space, but it is excruciating knowing she's very likely thinking about it and could act on it.

Basically the only thing giving me any time at this point is her desire not to hurt the children more than they have to be. I obviously can't leverage that (although it occurs to me a lot that I want to yell at her and ask her how she could possibly put our kids through a divorce without even trying counseling first) or anything else that would make her feel guilty.