I hear you, it has taken me time to get back to who I am want to be. I still try to mind read her but it only hurts me and wastes my energy. My In-laws say my W is confused and still hope but think I need to be friends to win her back. However they don't know the whole story and I have only given them some of the details of how she has been towards me. They also agree though that my W picked a friendship over family and that it was an inappropriate one at that.
The Bbq, first question- what do YOU want to do?
We have a joint house, I made sure she moved out though and told her that she still has to finance her half of the house and her own apartment herself. She argued about the amount a coupe of months ago that she had agreed a lesser amount but I had an email with what she said she would contribute. She even went and saw a lawyer and found a loophole that benefited her (I already knew about it) but the last 2 months has put in the originally agreed amount. It doesn't make sense to me but this is just a small part of my W's randomness.
You know you have some things to work on yourself, focus on this not on her. (It's easy to say and harder to do, I know) you need to get ahead of her on the detachment. On the control of yourself. She is getting on fine because you are still there.
Walk, run, the gym, anything to get you out and moving. The more you wallow and feel the victim the more it hurts you. Think back to who you were at the beginning, where you someone sitting around wallowing or where you busy with your own life. I'm guessing you were confident in yourself, carried yourself strong and handled your own poop...
When my W was in the house, she wanted to play board games, watch tv together, do things as a family. Some I accepted some I didn't, had something else to do.
We need to fix ourselves before we have any chance, search for posts from Coach. Read up on what's attractive etc. It's harder in the house, I get that, but you need to step up and get hold of yourself. Until you can do that, you will keep spinning. Sandi hit me once with the line- if you are watching her your ship will sink. Drop the rope and walk the other way, she knows she still controls you. Let it go and see what happens.
It will take some 2x4's, it took some for me too but you are still needing your W when you have to get to the stage of wanting it but not needing it. Believing you will be fine on your own if the worst happens, plan for the worst, hope for the best if you want but have no expectations.
I see you still trying to find the magic bullet to fix this and speed the process up. I still have those thoughts at times and I get hit with the 2x4 by my Dad when I do.
I have never studied a topic like I have relationships over the past 6 months, do it for yourself and the rest will come. it may not be what we want as we have only control of ourselves but as is said her often, make yourself someone only a fool would leave.
