I know you weren't trying to be offensive. This is all just so hard and I just felt judged.
I feel like I am constantly making the wrong decision. Everything I do feels wrong. Whenever he comes over I vow not to talk about us, and the conversation always ends up there. I feel like he's never telling me the truth, so I don't ask questions but again, the conversation always ends up about us or about me thinking he's lying. How do I detach without being a bitch? Whenever I try to act as if, he says "why are you in such a bad mood?"
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
Hi SR, without reading back, have your read Codependent No More? I found it really helpful and I was out with a friend who is reading it last night & she feels the same way.
I think the phrase to bear in mind is - do what works. It sounds as though you may be repeating some stuff that doesn't work - ending up having R talks for example. And you then feel he is lying, so is it worth having the convo anyway....and so on. It all seems to go round in a bit of a loop..
I do think the best way is to go more dim with him and only be minimally available. You can do this pleasantly - but have a focus other than him when he is there. For example, if he arrives to spend some time with the little one - say 'oh great that you're here. I'm going to go and do X and Y' - be back in an hour.
And if he initiates R talk and it seems hard to avoid it - merely listen and validate. I think for all of us, when we can reach a greater level of detachment, things get so much easier....for me that didn't truly happen until our D finalised....but go figure!!
You're travelling a hard road and doing really well, do forgive yourself as it is a steep learning curve. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Having a hard night - really missing him. My heart hurts. I don't have any new developments, just feeling sad.
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
I agree. I find the weekends difficult as well. I too am sad and lonely. Maybe we can support each other.
Col
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Nights are a particularly difficult time for me, weekends less so if I can find ways to be busy, busy, busy. One thing I found helpful is finding a friend who will let you vent your frustrations without trying to "fix it." I also find if I physically work on myself, at home work out (until I start at the gym) and calling different friends keeps me distracted from ruminating.
Sotto has given great, concrete advice on how to go dim in small bites until it becomes natural.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I feel like I am constantly making the wrong decision. Everything I do feels wrong.
That means youre probably doing things correctly! When you try ANYTHING new, it FEELS wrong at first. Practice makes perfect. The whole process is counter intuitive.
Originally Posted By: sr9e2d7
Whenever he comes over I vow not to talk about us, and the conversation always ends up there.
It only goes there because you let it. Next time, just end the conversation or say you want to talk about something else. YOU are the only one that is in control of the words that come out of your mouth.
Originally Posted By: sr9e2d7
I feel like he's never telling me the truth, so I don't ask questions but again, the conversation always ends up about us or about me thinking he's lying.
Likely, he's lying. About everything. Believe nothing. Then you dont need to ask questions or push to see if he IS lying or not.
Originally Posted By: sr9e2d7
How do I detach without being a bitch? Whenever I try to act as if, he says "why are you in such a bad mood?"
Get into a good mood. Stop thinking of him as a husband. Stop expecting him to act like your husband. Treat him no differently than you would a houseguest. It's hard, but it's the only way to push forward.
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
