Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Thank you darknes -- this is really helpful.

How it has evolved for me was that I did start working really hard on several of the things you list after the horrible shock of being told she wasn't attracted to me. So I'm about 16 months into IC and a daily meditation practice. Both, especially the latter, have been huge for me in terms of improving my patience, which was a lifelong problem of mine, going back way before I even met my wife. I've lost 25 pounds since January of this year and have been hitting the gym. I look a lot better and probably need some new clothes because I'm swimming a bit in these now. None of this has helped so far, though, probably because, not knowing about DB techniques, I would ask if she's noticed any improvements. She's never been super free with her feelings or dispensing compliments -- more of a save it up for a huge reveal every once in a while as opposed to a daily support model. Which was always fine with me before the problems became known to me, and we started doing the pursuer/distancer routine.

So I want to keep this momentum, but hopefully go at it the DB way, which I'm just now studfying in earnest and trying to live.

I very much appreciate your post -- going to use it as a template for my journal.