Newby here, desperate for some advice

[sandi2]

Okay, make room.

I do think my tendency is to think this is all my fault, and I think my wife hasn't exactly done anything to dissuade me from these feelings. As I mentioned, she's really been incredibly vague about what the problems are, has resolutely resisted counseling, and has given me a only a few scraps of information in terms of things I might be able to fix or change.

The more emotional pressure you put on her to tell you why, what, or when.......the more she will come up with flimsy excuses. The sad part is that most H's believe what the W says. And, why wouldn't he?

I realize the modern woman tends to be a bit entitled and may even think that the H not helping enough around the house is a legitimate reason to get a D........but if she is in love with the man, I would think it has to get much worse before she's ready to chunk everything (especially if there are children involved). However, we are seeing this example on lists of excuses more and more.

I encourage you to not press her for reasons, right now. I seriously doubt she is going to be completely honest. What she will say will cause you more anxiety, and probably have you catering to her. One of the signs of a WW is the resistance to get counseling or any help in working on the MR.

The idea that it might be some or even a large part due to what's going on in her head is both eye opening (it would be a relief to know it's not all my fault) and, frankly, scary (because then it's completely outside of my ability to influence).

I can almost guarantee you it is what's going on in her head! With that said, it does not take away the seriousness of this situation. You cannot control her, but your actions can certainly influence her. You just have to learn what works and what doesn't work. Hopefully, we can save you from making some mistakes.........if you will believe what we tell you.

(she wanted more, and I was actually resistant and she chased me -- wow how things changed) for a lot that first (the hardest, school-wise) year.

The situation may have changed, but the core of human nature doesn't change. Look at what you said in that sentence. Why did she chase you? B/c you resisted her, which made her want you even more. The same principle applies now, b/c that's human nature. But when you are smothering, applying pressure, being needy, and doing all those things that are just unattractive...........she doesn't want you, and she tries to get further away from you. Think of how you were before M. Think of the guy she was chasing. Don't use the excuse that now you have responsibilities, etc. M, kids, house, bills, work, and just life itself can change us.........but does it have to change that thing inside of us that first attracted our partner?

Now, moving was not my idea at all. She came up with it. I'd hardly ever been to this town before that but was fine moving because she said it was what she wanted. Work life balance was really causing her pain in Seattle at that point with the small baby at home.

So, everything was fine until she had the baby.........or until you moved b/c she said it was what she wanted?

Again, taking a "lesser" job wasn't my idea. It was all her idea. I thought it was what she wanted, and that was fine by me.

But now, this is on her list of complaints.

We had a second child about a year and a half after moving. She had pretty vicious post-partem after he was born. Not sure if that's relevant but just tossing it into the mix. I remember very vividly her screaming at me about 2-3 days after he was born "Why don't you just go back to work -- you're not any help here!" That hurt and bewildered me, but things went back to normal (or so I at least thought), so nothing seemed amiss.

How long ago since she had the second baby? Would you say she really wanted a second child, after seeing what it was like with the first baby? If her parents were there, did her mother help her? How soon did she go back to work?

Anyway, it didn't get published, and she threw it in a box and put it under our bed. I know it hurt, and I always tried to comfort her, but I think she felt that little bit of distance/separation. And she wanted to succeed so much!

Would you say this was a significant turning point in the MR, or was it more her that was pulling away from you? When did the sex really taper off........ after the first child was born, the second, or when her book wasn't published?

My inexpert opinion is that, at some point, she lost her sense of her self. Or, rather, that her identity, to her, became something (mother, childcare and household leader, supporting role to her husband) that she didn't like or want. She felt like she had made sacrifices that weren't appreciated.

How supportive has she been of you? Does she comfort and encourage you....as much as you so her? What has been her overall attitude toward you been the past several years?

Some women are not satisfied or fulfilled to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. They feel they were created for greater things.....or want to be recognized for more. Well, they go ahead and get M and have a couple of kids and try to keep their pressurized careers. After all, women have been taught they can have it all. Actually, few are able to handle it all, without some area lacking. They have to make choices of what is most important or which they want more. If they don't choose truthfully or wisely, then they start to resent their results... and start blaming others for their unhappiness.

At one point, she came to me and said she wanted to go back to a fulltime law practice, and I stupidly, and from a place of worry, said I was afraid of how that would impact the family (it was already a completely hectic life from my perspective with her working in a less-demanding job. and I couldn't see how we'd manage with two full time law jobs, with late nights, weekend work at times, etc.). This I now know was a huge moment that hurt her greatly.

Some may disagree with me, and say it was selfish of you. I see you being the leader in your family, and doing what is best for the whole. After all, she had already had her way about making certain decisions for the family........in which you supported her, but she was still unhappy. I'm not totally unsympathetic toward your W, b/c she clearly was searching for something that would make her fill complete, or accomplished. Marriage didn't do it. Children didn't do it. Her attempt at writing didn't do it. So now, she thinks going into full time law practice, while raising two kids, and managing a home will do it? She couldn't do it when she had a lesser job!

She eventually got back into private practice about 13 months ago, but it took much longer than she wanted due to the Great Recession (law hiring pretty much went to 0). Her return came after the "I'm not attracted to you" BD. Knowing by now how much I'd hurt her by being lukewarm about her getting a new job, I threw all of my efforts into brainstorming how she could first get the job then, when she did, how she could best position herself to stick and, slowly, start to move up. She's doing really well. Working tons of hours. And I've picked up at home with the kids and around the house a lot, to the point where I probably do at least as much as she does (though I don't think she'd admit it). It hasn't helped anything, though.

This goes back to what I was saying earlier. She will place priorities on where her heart is. A person can be spread too thin......and then, something starts breaking down a little bit at a time.

I don't see it as a full-blown MLC, but maybe some small elements of one? THis idea that life is passing her by, that she needs to make up for lost time, that I've held her back, that there might be someone better out there. I don't think I"m competing (yet) with another (actual) man, but probably am in terms of an imagined superhero who has what few positive traits I've managed to keep (in her eyes) and many, many more I don't, and with none of the failings.

I tend to agree with part of what you said.

Why do you think it might be a MLC?