Today would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. And, I'm okay. July 4th marked four years since Louisa and I happened upon Matt and Skank broken down on the side of the road on our way to fireworks. He had kept the OW secret for 6 months at the time. Honestly, I don't think I thought about that incident once on July 4th. Not once.
Had we stayed together, I would have been celebrating 25 years with a man who abused substances off and on for the duration of our marriage, lied to me regularly, was emotionally unavailable and abusive pretty much daily and could never seem to get that whole being a kind, caring adult in a relationship thing. Chances are, I would have spent the day alone, like I spent most of our momentous holidays... Alone and disappointed.
So, instead, I'm going to "Step Up" in D.A. today, which means I'm going to be able to sponsor others who struggle with compulsive debt. I will be able to serve in a more active role after 6 months of working this very strict D.A. program.
Things aren't perfect, I still have some mountains to climb... But, luckily! I live in the Smokey Mountains and I'm getting fitter and able to handle the climbing, both figuratively and literally.
We moved into a beautiful, gated apartment north of Asheville. I still don't have a car and, after six months of no car, I'm getting anxious to rememdy this. A co-worker likes to flip old Volvos and has one he is willing to sell for $1200. Trying to figure it out. I'm still earning below what I would like to earn in order to create a more fabulous life for Louisa and I... but, we are getting there. I'm in charge of two newspapers and the legals department for this small newspaper company. The pay is low, with no benefits, but it's given me a chance to heal some and build my skills and daily work ethic slowly. They are paying the max of what they can handle and I have some flexibility with my schedule.
Still have to work on GAL. Not having a car plays a role in this. But, even without a car, Louisa and I have had some serious fun since moving here. There is a strong local Al-Anon group I'd like to attend once I get a car and there's a million fun things to do.
There was a missed child support payment in May. I felt very different from the woman I was four years ago. I called the CSA ASAP. They called Matt's employer. There hasn't been any missed payments since. However, they still owe me the missing payment. CSA actually said the payment was lost in the mail??? Seriously.
And, they have to wait a period of time to re-request the money before I will see it. Stupid. I love how this system protects the deadbeats and not the kids. But, it's only $307.80 and I did what I can do for now.
Matt hasn't seen Louisa now in two full years as of May. Cal is still talking with him, but it's about every two weeks.
On Father's Day, I texted a picture of Louisa swimming. No reply. He has gone back to silence with me. I get the impression he has thrown himself into his adolescent lifestyle with a fresh energy since signing divorce papers last fall and my boundary at Christmas that I am no longer available for his holiday texts and cards filled with "I'm sorry and want to come home... blah, blah, blah..." I told him at Christmas that his old life is no longer waiting and I haven't heard a thing since.
About a month ago, Cal asked me in desperation to come get her and bring her to Asheville. I agreed, with the understanding she would only be able to stay with us for 3 weeks and she'd have to pay me $225 to just get down here.
I sense she is trying to make some big changes and she is unhappy with herself, however, she still claims she is happier than she has ever been. Not quite what I'm seeing, but okay. And, according to Cal, marijuana is simply a misunderstood harmless drug. She agreed to abstain while living with me and has now started dreaming again... a sign that she is indeed pot free.
I picked her up on Friday.
Apparently, Matt was upset because he had planned on coming to pick her up and take her jet-skiing on Lake Erie at his apt with he and skank.
The man had 1.5 years to visit Cal at her college in PA. Not one visit. He didn't make the effort. And, Cal felt guilty for upsetting him. Amazing how he can push those buttons.
Since Cal has been here, I've learned pieces of her life which make me so sad. She has been stealing food at grocery stores to eat. I love her, but I cannot allow this girl with all her problems to live with us long... If she commits to a drug-free lifestyle with help and humility maybe. But, she hasn't as of yet.
I'm sticking close to my sponsor and other 12-steppers on this one.
She has also been a reminder of the life I used to live with an active addict. Always wondering if I'm being lied to. Am I being used? Of course I am.
Dealing with moodiness and negativity and judgment about the lives of others, while her own life is pretty nuts. Things I had forgotten. Having conversations with someone who is adept at making ME feel crazy.
I said to her the other day... "No matter how bad it's gotten, it can get worse." The old Heather would have never said anything like that. She got upset and I told her... it's important to understand you are responsible for your life and if things are bad... you need to make things right. I'm not sugar-coating. This kid was already starving and counting on the kindness of other weed-loving friends to get through the day. I'm not supporting this habit or her.
I prayed hard about picking her up. My own family has been so lacking when it comes to actually being there for me. I appreciate how they helped me financially, but they are so not available in any other way. I needed my daughter to see I will be there, but she is an adult and is responsible for her own life.
One cool thing... my kids see me as bada$$. They look at how I've walked through the fire and I'm still standing. While I'm not stupid to overlook the fact that Asheville makes for a great location to any pothead... I can see my daughter is also here to try and get things sorted out for herself. I can see my behavior is different and she has said she wants to learn how I manage money and how I'm acting the adult now.
Plan on keeping my mouth shut and just continue walking the walk for her to watch.
Anyway, that's what's happening here at Lake Wobegon. I read pretty regularly. Hard to see the new families joining and starting this journey.
At the same time, I would've never known how bada$$ I am if the old pothead ex had stuck around to sleep and NOT get things done around the house :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
