Time for a new thread and a new part of the journey. I'm still trying to figure a lot of things out about myself and will post my thoughts to follow but I wanted to set the basics.
- Me 33 - W 32 - R 6 - M 2
- Sept 03 W drops the bomb and says there is no talking about it, no counseling, her mind is made up and that is it
- That day I reevaluate for my role in all this and apologize for everything I did wrong, listed out her grievances and agreed with her for all.
- I did not say ILY or tell her how much she means to me. I did ask once a week for about three weeks to please give me another chance and I was wrong for what I did. Little begging and a lot of crying.
- She moves into the basement. She avoids any face to face contact at the house. She stays at friends house and often does not come home.
- Oct 03 W moves out and begins her new business. She asks all her friends for help. She said she does not want me to be there. I go anyway and she is very mad, at end of night she says thanks and we have a pleasant evening. Next day I ask if I can help again and she says no again. I do not go. I leave her alone since she is so cold and distant. Note in Jan 04 she “doesn’t remember” ever telling me no.
- During this time she still calls me and I still call her. We talk about every day or two days. She is still leaning on me for support and as a friend. Contact is all on her terms. She runs or tries to run otherwise. Unless she initiates, calls and face to face contact is rushed.
- Nov 03 W is very stressed with new salon and doesn’t have time for anything or anybody. She is working herself ragged at salon. Says she can’t sleep and is very stressed since she took over in Oct. I can’t sleep either but it is because of us. She attributes all of her craziness to the salon and doesn’t think us is bothering her. She does not sound or look happy. Any contact initiated by me is rushed.
- Mid Nov I go dark and stop initiating all contact. She actually contacts me a little more.
- Late Nov W and I meet for dinner. We have a great dinner, we are connecting as friends, I act like we are dating again, she is receptive. No talk of D until almost end of dinner and she asks “are we going to do this or what?” I say I don’t want a D, but if that is what you want I won’t stand in your way. I don’t want to do it tomorrow.
- Late Nov W and one of my friends meet for dinner. She tells them that she is nowhere near ready to date others.
- Dec 03 I find DR and start DRing. I assume I’m at LRT way too soon and cut off all contact. I let her initiate only. I begin my get a life and my as if, she seems to be interested and asks questions.
- Mid Dec W and I meet for dinner again. Later at home she gives me Christmas present from where we got married. She starts crying uncontrollably and cries until she has to leave for home. I reached out to hug her, she hugged me back, I reach out to hold her hand, she squeezes my hand back. She said she loves me but not in love with me. I ask her not to deny any feelings for me. She tells me she is dating OM (wait wasn't it one month ago she was no where near dating?). Up until this point she is receptive to physical touch, she hugs back etc. Ocaisonally she will pull away from physical touch.
- She really starts to pull away now. She stops inititating phone calls. She is running for the door everytime she is with me. Phone calls are rushed. Contact with her grows fewer and far between. Contact goes from 1 to 3 days to 4 or 5 days or longer. She no longer initiates contact. I have to initiate contact if there will be any contact at all.
- Jan 04 She cries almost immediately when walking in the house to pick something up. She answers her cell phone when she was in car with OM when I called during snow storm.
- Mid Jan She tells GF in order for her to even consider us getting back together and if a miracle were to happen, if he really loves me he would show me by supporting my business, send me flower or cards or something. A few days later she calls me distraught and crying. I send her cards and flowers as a friend supporting her salon. She is very appreciative and says it is very nice.
- I start initiating more contact and as a friend. Doing more things to support her and her business as a friend. She allows me more contact, but it is short and still rushed. Somewhat friendly at times.
- Mid Jan when I meet her to talk about taxes, I ask to see dog regularly. She blows up (very rare for her) “you haven’t been around the past three months, what makes you think you can all of a sudden see her and have affection for her?” Dog is a metaphor and represents her and our children. She obviously doesn’t feel loved.
- Mid Jan I am helping more with the salon in terms of doing things that support her business. Brainstorming with her first, taking her lead, and implementing her vision. She says she doesn’t have the time to do everything. I offer to do some of it and she is suspicious. I say I’m doing them unconditionally and not expecting anything, I’m her friend.
- I start showing her how much I love and care for her through actions. I use many of the five love languages. I use WOA, bring her gifts, AOS, help with salon etc. Our contact increases and she is no longer extremely cold. She relaxes a little more around me. We can carry on a conversation without it feeling too weird. We talk as friends again and she begins to share feelings about non R subjects. We start to joke and laugh. We connect and are happy together during these various moments. Not too deep though.
- She calls me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. She also sends me a birthday card to wish me a happy birthday.
- Feb 04 She brings me papers, she has filled out half. Wants to go the do it yourself route since she is low on $ and I said we don’t need lawyers I’ll look them over and cooperate with her. She was very emotional and said she was going to cry throughout the whole process. Cried the whole time. She said she was so patient with me and she gradually stopped loving me since I wasn’t listening to her and wasn’t respectful of her. She said she didn’t want to be married anymore and didn’t love me anymore. She calls me her best friend and I know her better than anyone on this planet. She said she doesn’t love OM and is with him because it is convienent and nice. She said she would talk to her family per my request but her opinion won’t change. She keeps saying when you change I might be with you again in 2 yrs. or something.
- Few days later my parents business burned down. She calls my mom and they talk for 20 min. I’m lucky to get 5 to 10 min. on the phone. My mom says to her “I hope the two of you can work things out and get back together” She says to my mom “We are trying, but I’m not ready yet.” Up until this point I’ve been doing all the trying and making all the efforts.
- Valentines Day I send her many flowers. She has big time reaction, she calls immediately and doesn’t sound too angry or mad. A little shaken, but still ok. Calls next day and says she can’t talk to me, she wrote me a letter. Letter basically says it is a very romantic gesture, she thinks about me often, is sickened with sadness over this, she is heartbroken, and she says only if they had come earlier.
- I validate her feelings by saying thank you for writing me a letter and sharing your feelings with me. It means a lot to me that we can communicate openly now.
- I continue doing stuff for her and the salon as well as the dog. I ask if we can see each other soon and she says yes without coldness.
- Mar 04 We meet at a restaurant and had a great time at dinner, she even said so. We connected as friends. I asked her opinions about my career situation, my family situation and I told her I really liked her opinions and thought they were great. She said she remembers what a great time we had together, but then brings up that John had to go to Bbros five times a day and was very resentful. She said she has forgiven me “in essence” and mentions fights years ago. She has always said I drink too much and I told her I quit drinking and she made an “if you really have quit” comment. She asks about D papers again. I gently ask to talk about R and she tries to run, tries to leave the restaurant. I calm her down and she agrees to talk more. She says she can’t handle the emotional ups and downs anymore. She agrees to be a better friend after I had a mini blow up and told her she wasn’t acting like a friend. She also agrees to let me see our dog.
- The next day she calls and says she is sorry for hurting me. (Later I called back and said her words are sweet, thank you) asks me a question regarding Canadian tax rebate that anyone could answer. Contact increases all week, mostly exchanging phone calls, connecting on things we used to share with each other. I go to salon to get a service, she is appreciative and says thank you for coming.
- I keep dog and she is in major anxiety. She has nightmares and it is traumatic for her. I bring dog back the next day and she gives me a hug out of no where. I felt this is when her wall was down big time and she was acting and talking to me just like when we were a couple before. Tone of voice and especially vibe.
- She begins to share deep fears and feelings with me. She continues to tell me how salon is doing financially (she has done this before too), details about her family vacationing where we got married, her sister moving to Seattle and she is nervous about this because her sister (good girl) is like her mom and will lecture her, insecurities about letting her parents down, she said “I’m really trying to figure out my life right now” and when I said your family will always be there for you no matter what she said “yeah that’s the good thing about family.”
- There are of course many daggers and negative comments throughout all of this process but I do not want to focus on them now.
My next step is to post some of the baby steps I've noted but I'm wiped out for right now.
I've been dark for one week and one day now. Should I initiate contact again? I get this feeling, call it intuition or sixth sense or whatever, like she is thinking about us and teetering. Usually my intuition is right, it has been many times. I just don't know if I should reach out, if I don't I don't think she is strong enough to make the first move.
Seattle, glad to see you post again, I was curious how things we're going. Hoping your new thread brings a new perspective, a fresh approoach to your DBing, and some wonderful new babysteps. Reading through your summary is very helpful, there were some things in there I'd overlooked. Curious--or did I miss it--have you identified what her primary LL are? I'm looking forward to your list of babysteps. Have you redefined what's working for you, what isn't?
Quote: I've been dark for one week and one day now. Should I initiate contact again?
Is this the longest you've ever gone dark?
BTW, I want to reiterate again how good I think it is that she has been sharing her fears and feelings with you. I think its a very positive sign, a sign of trust, and maybe in time, something more...
There are a lot of positives here and you would know better than we do. But I think you are overanalyzing EVERY little action, comment, reaction you get from her hoping to extract some positive move on her part toward the R. And I do not know, nor do you, but I suspect she looks as you solely as a friend right now. There is little or no pressure from you and she has relaxed because you've relaxed (a little). I think there is still a tendency on your part to want to rush over there or call her because you have a "feeling." You are trying to justify your actions, and more often than not, you will be disappointed at the results. There are a lot of examples of contact being cold and rushed. And you keep wanting to rush. I don't remember who, but someone compared the WA thawing to an iceberg. SLOW.
I know it is chewing you up, believe me, I know. But do not call. And don't jump at the phone as soon as she calls.
Occupy yourself with something, other than fretting over this. It takes too much of a toll.
Hmmm, wonder what W would say if she came home and I were dressed up in her clothes (provided I could actually squeeze my 6-3 frame in her small petites)...
Hmmm, wonder what W would say if she came home and I were dressed up in her clothes (provided I could actually squeeze my 6-3 frame in her small petites)...
Thank you!!
I needed the laugh this evening!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Thanks for the warm welcome, its nice to have some company. I guess she doesn't want to talk to me right now. She dropped off some tools she borrowed last week and left a note with $ for the vet. Note was all business. She gave like 3x as much $ as needed. Whats up with that?
Is this her way of inviting a call or somthing? Or does she not want to talk to me? I think I might need that whack on the head again. The good news is she hasn't mentioned papers in a couple of weeks. I just don't want to mess that up. I may just mail her the $ back.
