Another thing -- my wife is going out of town this weekend on a short trip we'd discussed previously. In the mountains, off the grid. She'd said she was feeling a lot of pressure and stress and really needed a day or two with nothing to do but be. I was all for it and actually thought it represented small progress, because she was for once articulating a need instead of eating it, not getting it met, and blaming me for not filling it, and I was able to say "of course you can, enjoy yourself".
Any advice on how to play this? Just say drive safe, and have fun? I can't call her anyway, so that won't be a temptation. Should I ask her how it went when she comes home? Pre-DB me would have been anxiously waiting to see if some magic peace had washed over her while gone, and look to see if I'd been rehabilitated in her eyes. Won't do that, of course. But just play it cool? Wait for her to say anything about it?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I wouldn't plan out what I might do or say. Imho, I did this for months and then I had a preconceived notion of how it should go and it Never worked out that way! I have to stop creating stories and conversations in my head so I'm open to new perspectives. My last time that had a pre planned script was ten days ago and the worst fight in years. He said he wanted a divorce then too. It was terrible. Lesson re learned. Colleen
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
JRuss, you have gotten an incredible amount of responses in one day, its a lot of info. Go back and read, there's no way to grasp it all so fast, and your question above you skipped the most important first st, Give Your W Space. Don't ask her anything, not about the trip or anything else. At this point, just focus on you and your kids. If you don't want her to move out, you need to live your life like she already has, pretend she's a new roommate that you don't know. It will do a lot for you to leave her alone.
Now go back and read, and try to really grasp what everyone has told you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut -- thanks for your post. I'm definitely doing a lot of reading and re-reading.
Last night went pretty well, I guess. We talked some about some kid-related necessities, and she got a modest raise at work, so we discussed that. Since she initiated the conversation, I congratulated her and told her that I was really happy for her (she's really struggled with having dropped out of the job market for years, falling behind where she was, and then getting back into it sort of on the bottom). It was pretty brief and light. Before I knew what I was doing, I asked her what she was doing on the computer at one point (paying some bills). I realized immediately that wasn't DB but too late. I went to bed without saying goodnight, which is a 180 for me. She read on the couch for a while, then came to bed sometime later. When I woke up this AM, our feet were lightly touching. I sat there not knowing what to do -- move my foot, or not move my foot. Ridiculous what this has come to! This AM we talked about some kid-related stuff -- again initiated by her -- and she went into work. She kissed me on the check when she left. I didn't move my cheek. Should I have? It was probably just because I was standing near the door, and she couldn't think of a way that wasn't awkward to get past me. Geez, the level of micromanagement of each moment and thinking and knowing what to do is intense.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Forgot to mention that my first session with my personal trainer was last night after work. It went well. We have a body fat goal, a plan to increase flexibility and strength. W asked how it went when I got home. I said fine, and almost left it at that, but then gave probably more details than I should have.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Since she initiated the conversation, I congratulated her and told her that I was really happy for her.
Validating is about recognizing her feelings, you being really happy for her is about your feelings. Something more like, "I know how important it is to you to succeed in your position, you must feel great that they recognized your hard work".
Originally Posted By: JRuss
It was pretty brief and light. Before I knew what I was doing, I asked her what she was doing on the computer at one point (paying some bills). I realized immediately that wasn't DB but too late.
At this point, you need to be giving her space, trying to keep a conversation going, even light hearted, and questioning what she is doing on the computer, isn't DB or giving her space.
Originally Posted By: JRuss
I went to bed without saying goodnight, which is a 180 for me. She read on the couch for a while, then came to bed sometime later.
So you're holding conversations with her, but then your being rude by not saying goodnight? Think of your wife as a roommate that you don't really know well, would you say goodnight to them? The goal isn't to be rude or show that you don't care, the goal is to be a happy, nice, safe person to be around (without fear of being pressured). A 180 that you need to work on is not questioning her about her actions (what is she doing on computer).
Originally Posted By: JRuss
When I woke up this AM, our feet were lightly touching. I sat there not knowing what to do -- move my foot, or not move my foot. Ridiculous what this has come to!
I so understand this, it is such an awkward feeling to not know how to react to physical touch with your W, someone that has been closer to you than anyone else. Basically, move your foot if you want, or if your comfortable don't move your foot. But don't keep your foot there just to touch her.
Originally Posted By: JRuss
She kissed me on the check when she left. I didn't move my cheek. Should I have? It was probably just because I was standing near the door, and she couldn't think of a way that wasn't awkward to get past me. Geez, the level of micromanagement of each moment and thinking and knowing what to do is intense.
If she isn't having an A then I don't see any reason why you wouldn't accept a kiss on the cheek from her, it would be awkward to move away, and a kiss on the cheek doesn't say much. But don't be standing by the door tomorrow hoping that she'll do it again. Don't do anything hoping to get a response from her.
Your just starting this process, so yes the micromanagement of each moment is daunting, but it will get easier when you realize that you are just treating her like you would a neighbor or maybe sister. Your job is to be confident, stable, cheerful to be around, while not focusing on her but also not making her feel like you are trying to avoid her.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks for (tough) grading, Coconut. I have a lot to learn. It is sobering. But I really, really appreciate your insight and the time you took to respond.
Just to clarify on the "no goodnight", my thinking was that she was upstairs at the time, and I would have had to make a trip upstairs solely for the purpose of saying goodnight, which I would have done pre-DB, but it felt needy to do it last night. So it wasn't like I just walked right by her and ignored her -- just didn't seek that little conversation out like I normally would have. Does that change the analysis at all? Good grief I feel like a loser having all of these questions and so little confidence!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Asking advice here, reading it, reading all of the linked articles I've been given here, and trying to implement it all. Also just trying to GAL and start feeling better about myself, which I have to figure will help with confidence.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Asking advice here, reading it, reading all of the linked articles I've been given here, and trying to implement it all. Also just trying to GAL and start feeling better about myself, which I have to figure will help with confidence.
OK. Thats a start. Do you have a plan about how to actually implement it?
It's easy to TRY. But what does that actually mean as far as what you will DO?
