Water,
You pose some very good questions, and again, this hits home b/c he sounds a lot like me and the questions you ask one could ask of me!

Quote:

What is it that makes people carry that old painful baggage around with them? Its almost like he is willingly doing that. Poor me, I'm a sad old man, because I can't get rid of the pain of the past.

Yet by doing that he creates MORE OF THE SAME pain over and over again.

How does someone choose to be so miserable, even after admitting that they could change and be happier?

And then the real kicker is that he is miserable, but seems to not want to totally loose me. Am I the only one who finds that odd and contradictory?



Carrying the baggage...for some reason it is easier to hold onto the stuff than to let it go. It is easier to pity oneself than to take responsibility for one's thoughts, feelings, and actions.

You are absolutely right-we are causing our own misery and pain when it is totally unnecessary! Why do we do it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again? As Dr. Phil would say, there must be a payoff. What is it? Getting attention? Being able to be lazy & irresponsible? Not having to be vulnerable by opening up and trusting ppl?

This IS very odd and contradictory. I've been battling this myself. I KNOW I could have a great R w/my H. I know I could be happy. However, for some reason, it causes great anxiety. ??? Most bizarre, no?

Was he like this before the A? Is this related to his upbringing? Have you asked him these very questions?

Additionally, have you ever tried some tough love with him? Maybe saying firmly but gently that you don't want to hear it or that you know he is hurting inside, but you are not willing to feel sorry for him? That you have forgiven him and that you BOTH need to move on? Or, whatever smart things you come up with that you feel.

Water, it is good to hear from you. You are reinforcing things that I know, but need to hear over and over. It helps me to see things from your side-the other side. I hope I can help shed some light onto what it feels like to be on the "dark" side.

Let me know if you would like to email each other.
karen