Ohhhh Man...I called you Wonder...but I meant Water....sorry ...REally I was thinking of YOU. I had recently read Wonder's post and mixed up your names. Sorry m'friend!!
Last night 11:00 XH pages me to enjoy my evening. I respond with "you too"
This morning another page to enjoy my day.
Right now I am! I am out to go shopping and probably movies.
Is XH looking for reassurance from me or for me to reach out to him?
We interupt this program to bring you this special report...
My cell phone just rang and it was XH. He asked what was going on as he has paged me and I haven't responded.
We talk for a bit and then he says, I thought you were coming up this weekend. Hummmmmm no, you didn't invite me. We talk a little bit about still having me come up this weekend, but it was a lot of $ for just a little over a day.
I told him I couldn't for the next two weekends, because I already have plans!
He definatly wants to see me, but isn't ready to come out and say it. When I brought up that we could plan on three weeks from now, I caught a bit of hesitation. Like that is too much to think about. Don't know.
I was chatting with yougest son and he mentions, "isn't dad in town?" I tell him I don't know. After I hang up with S I call XH and get his VM. I said "Hi its Laurie, give me a call when you have a min."
XH calls back a little later and in a not so nice tone says "Hi this is XH, what did you not think I would remember who you were? Maybe the guy you F*cked last night doesn't remember your name but I do"
He is NOT in town. He was driving in the car and someone he works with was with him.
He asked what I wanted. I told him that I had heard that he was in town and thought it would be nice if we could see each other.
Then he said well you sound upset, I said "well I would appreciate it if you not make comments like that. I don't deserve that.
He said "your right, I'll work on it"
A couple things that bother me.... We just talked on Sat about seeing each other and when we might be able to, yet he didn't mention it to me. OK, maybe that just came about today..... I don't think so though. I don't deserve that comment.
I see this as coming from a person who is REALLY scared to loose me forever. He is brining guilt on himself. He has gotten himself into this position and is still not happy, so he is lashing out. Makes him feel better to say stinging words to me.
It also tells me that he is STILL in replay. That makes me VERY sad.
What does anyone out there think about this?
I am going back to my DARK mode. If XH wants to see me/talk to me, he knows where I am and I'll think about it.
Just journaling~ The night before last XH did page me at 11:00p to say: "I'm sorry for what I said to you. I don't know that I will ever be able to let go of the past. Sad old man"
I responded: "to bad you can't let go of the past. Meanwhile what happens to the present and future?....
Yesterday he told me that the meeting that was going to bring him to town was just cancelled. I told him he should come down any way and he said he just might.
Now I am back to being dark. No contact. He knows where I am.
<sigh>
What is it that makes people carry that old painful baggage around with them? Its almost like he is willingly doing that. Poor me, I'm a sad old man, because I can't get rid of the pain of the past.
Yet by doing that he creates MORE OF THE SAME pain over and over again.
How does someone choose to be so miserable, even after admitting that they could change and be happier?
And then the real kicker is that he is miserable, but seems to not want to totally loose me. Am I the only one who finds that odd and contradictory?
Water, You pose some very good questions, and again, this hits home b/c he sounds a lot like me and the questions you ask one could ask of me!
Quote: What is it that makes people carry that old painful baggage around with them? Its almost like he is willingly doing that. Poor me, I'm a sad old man, because I can't get rid of the pain of the past.
Yet by doing that he creates MORE OF THE SAME pain over and over again.
How does someone choose to be so miserable, even after admitting that they could change and be happier?
And then the real kicker is that he is miserable, but seems to not want to totally loose me. Am I the only one who finds that odd and contradictory?
Carrying the baggage...for some reason it is easier to hold onto the stuff than to let it go. It is easier to pity oneself than to take responsibility for one's thoughts, feelings, and actions.
You are absolutely right-we are causing our own misery and pain when it is totally unnecessary! Why do we do it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again? As Dr. Phil would say, there must be a payoff. What is it? Getting attention? Being able to be lazy & irresponsible? Not having to be vulnerable by opening up and trusting ppl?
This IS very odd and contradictory. I've been battling this myself. I KNOW I could have a great R w/my H. I know I could be happy. However, for some reason, it causes great anxiety. ??? Most bizarre, no?
Was he like this before the A? Is this related to his upbringing? Have you asked him these very questions?
Additionally, have you ever tried some tough love with him? Maybe saying firmly but gently that you don't want to hear it or that you know he is hurting inside, but you are not willing to feel sorry for him? That you have forgiven him and that you BOTH need to move on? Or, whatever smart things you come up with that you feel.
Water, it is good to hear from you. You are reinforcing things that I know, but need to hear over and over. It helps me to see things from your side-the other side. I hope I can help shed some light onto what it feels like to be on the "dark" side.
Let me know if you would like to email each other. karen
