Have i been making mistakes too long part 8

[tkdmme]

SH,

To answer your question, no I don't want a divorce. However, I am so tired of being in limbo. If a divorce is immanent, I would like to get it over with so that I can move on. Im tired of being treated as if my desires and feelings don't matter. Just like most of us on this site, I want my family back home. She initially said she wanted the D so that she could be happy. However, she is not happy and still thinks im the cause. I hardly see her and only text her about the kids or money. How can I be the source of her unhappiness if im not even around? Ill answer my own question. Im not the source. She just doesn't realize it. She is still the love of my life and the only woman I want but how long must I wait in limbo?

My father and the situation with the W aside, im doing pretty well. My finances are in the toilet but I just got a raise at work and I am starting a new project at the end of this month. I wont lie and say that I have not had a drink but I have been much better since I stared posting again. I haven't been to AA in a while and to be honest, I really hate going. It seems like a cult or something. I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I just feel that I went a little crazy due to the circumstances. I don't go out the bars anymore. If i have a beer, it is at my house after mowing the grass or something. I have been eating healthy even though I still don't have an appetite. Although I really cant afford it, I have been playing a lot of golf with my son and best friend. I have completely stopped contact with the other women I was talking to. I feel pretty good with the progress im making. But just when I was beginning to detach, she reels me back in.

You say "I need to have a direction". I feel that I do or at least I did. I was planning to move forward with the D but now im not sure that I want to. She has seen a lawyer and has told me that she wants a non contested D. This will only work if I agree to her unrealistic demands. She wants me to continue to pay for the kids private schooling plus pay her child support and alimony. I simply cant afford this. This is why I felt that I needed a lawyer so defend me just in case she files and comes after me.

Yes, im still confused. I do feel better and I am sober. Its just so hard to make sense out of the conflicting information i get from the W. I know i shouldn't even be trying to make sense of it. It only sets me back.