Shelob's Lair

[Zues126]

I've been really fighting a reluctance to start a new thread. I've been struggling a bit and haven't felt like myself lately. Thank you Sunny for checking in on me, and for all of you for being a bit patient with me.

Financially I am in the twilight zone. I found out today that XW's lawyer rejected my financial proposal. They want more money. I sent my lawyer a pay stub. Right now I am giving XW 60% of my net income. My rent accounts for another 35% of my net income. I am going backwards thousands of dollars a month as I am broke before I buy food or gas. Here is a clip of the email I sent back to my lawyer today:

The reality is that the numbers in our proposal were beyond my reach already. With those support and maintenance payments I absolutely could not meet my personal obligations. My father has lent me X overall, my credit card balance is moving back up, my bank account is approaching $0, and I see no relief in sight. I was prepared to sign our proposal with the hope that my father could help me through this impossible stretch until the obligations decreased and my employment smoothed out one way or another. But let's be honest, what I've been asked to do is well beyond my capacity. To think there is more money here is beyond my ability to fathom.

Would the courts really look at my budget, my last 5 W2s, my current pay stubs, and order me to payout to the point I can't keep a roof over my head? As a man doing my best to provide for my children daily do I have any legal protection here?

So here's the crux. XW asked for a divorce. I was advised to leave the house because "If she wants me out, she can get me out", basically a trumped up abuse card would force me out anyway so I'd better cooperate. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment now, XW has the house. I work 45-50 hours a week of a stressful job. XW hasn't worked a day in the two years since BD. I am paying my lawyer $1,000/month. XW has a court appointed lawyer that is absolutely free. I am trying to find ways to earn more at work. XW is finding government assistance programs for single moms, hardship programs, and using her free lawyer to demand more from me. The first 6 months after BD I was visiting the kids, then it was every other weekend, and finally two years later it's 50/50.

And they ask for more. The settlement itself was already unattainable. They might as well ask me to fly in the air. They are asking for things that are absolutely impossible. I am failing to keep up with a standard of living that is half of hers, while I am working full time and we both have equal parental time. She is going to school with the idea of increasing her future income, which I applaud. But I simply don't have what I was advised to offer, and they want more.

It's a game that can't be won. These laws are screwy. I told my mom tonight that I could accept an unfair settlement, knowing that life wasn't fair, and that maybe the laws had to be set in a way that were unfair for me so that they may be appropriate for LBW's in a hard place. So I can accept unfair if they're just unfair. But when they become impossible, I don't know what to do. I don't have the money.

And I struggle with this. I'd get it if I was a dead beat, working cash jobs, not making payments. I'd get it if I was deliberately being underemployed to game the system. But I've always been a high earner, a hard worker, a top performer. I don't understand how I can be in a game that is unwinnable.

So my day today was at work, fighting in an already difficult job, only to get this email and have to respond, budget time out of my shortened week for a lawyer call in which I try to schedule a court appointment. I want to get in front of a judge. Either they need to acknowledge that the last two years has been a joke and the settlement needs to adjust significantly or I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I get why some dads go off the grid, start over in a new state or country, and say "try to come find me". I'm not a dead beat. But I can't win an unwinnable game.

So between the fact that XW would walk on the relationship in the first place, to the legally endorsed financial impossibility she's created in my life and the lopsided lifestyle discrepancies, I've been pretty rudely awakened to the consequences of divorce. Needless to say I have some pretty powerful opinions on the lack of justice.

For that reason I am not sure I am in the right forums. These forums are designed for people trying to save their marriage, not people that are struggling with inhumane divorce laws. I have looked into other forums, such as MGTOW (men going their own way, a group of men who's mission is to educate men on the negative cost/benefit evaluation of marriage to avoid this predicament) and men's right's activists groups like A Voice for Men. The problem is that these groups are radical, and while the foundation is based on ideas that make some sense to me, the practice is much, much different. Many of the members are extreme, disrespectful, and destructive. I don't see a lot of constructive and supportive positive activism and lobbying. Just spew and negativity, of which I don't need more of in my life. These forums mean so much to me, the idea of leaving or losing touch with my friends here would be like switching churches...hard to conceptualize. Maybe it's my loyalty. These forums and the folks on them have helped me through this path, I don't know how I could've gotten through without all of you. I just can't see myself ever leaving. And there is no way I could ever replace any of you, or find a group this supportive. (edited- time to move to surviving the divorce, maybe I'll be less disruptive out of the main forum).

I don't know how this plays out. It is hard to believe this will play out with me being evicted, imprisoned, or having to flee my family and start over elsewhere. But I wouldn't have believed these last two years if I hadn't have lived them. So I'll just wait and see what the courts say, do my best, and let the cards fall where they will.

In the meantime I'm trying hard not to let that spoil the time I have with my children. I am compartmentalization like never before. I shut all of this off and spend time with them. We are absolutely having amazing time together.

I am setting up chess puzzles. I don't just ask them for the best move. I ask them how they evaluate the position. Material count. Pawn structure. King safety. Weaknesses like undefended or overworked pieces. Then I ask them to identify whether their opponent has any threats, if there are quiet moves possible or if we should be looking primarily at forcing moves. Then we make observations, like "if the knight wasn't guarding d7 then there would be mate with the rook", or other things like that. Just getting familiar with the board. Finally, we look at the candidate moves, and work through continuations. In the end, I still have to guide them to the solutions with questions, but they are coming up with amazing insights at times, and are starting to not just move pieces, but play the game and see the beauty in it that I do. It's amazing to see the light come on.

Lord of the Rings is going good. SPOILER ALERT! So, last night I was reading "The choices of master samwise" in which Sam thinks that Frodo is dead. I was done reading but my daughter got really sad and was crying that Frodo died, so I was like fine, we'll keep reading, and I read all the way until they figured out that he was just poisoned. It got to be a late night but I couldn't leave her hanging. In the end I'm glad she cares that much. I don't like to see her cry, but I'm glad they love the books enough to get that drawn into them. Oh, and they're starting to read more on their own which is unreal.

Other than that I'm just chilling with my mom here. It's good to have another adult around. We can talk about things that the kids can learn from. Last night we talked about the revolution and declaration of independence. Tonight we were talking about how electoral votes work in preparation for the election, and a bit about the 2000 election and the story of the recount. These are things I wouldn't talk about much on my own, but it's cool that we can talk about adult subjects and then my kids can learn a bit while staying engaged and participating. Oh, and they're all doing a great job of expanding their diet, eating their food, and getting used to eating at the kitchen table.

So in the end it's just life. I have problems with which I'm not clear how they will be resolved, but so does everyone. I still have a roof over my head, I still see my kids, and I still have the choices I can make about what I do each day, whether to be appreciative or negative, whether I do my best or give up. It has been hard, I will tell you that I've never felt more defeated by life, ever. But I will keep walking and whatever happens I know that I will have done my best and the times I'm having today are irreplaceable.