Coconut, I think it's about control mingled with real hurt. My own therapist thinks it was extreme to call the police so that confuses me. I get what you're saying though.
Zues, I wish that what you were saying were true. I know that he would love for me to say all those things. And I actually have said those things. He actually IS a very good dad and I tell him that but it's hard to keep saying that when he tells me I'm a bad Mom or says nothing. He says a lot of things that contradict himself.
In the situation where the police were involved I provoked that situation which is unlike me. I'm not saying this to blame myself because we're both adults and he should be able to control his own part. I was mocking him because at the time he was insisting that he was polyamorous and that I should allow him to have a girlfriend. This is why I think he is/was having a MLC. I said hell to the no! But you're free to go. And then he accused me of trying to break up the family and trying to own him. It was crazymaking gaslighting stuff. He's not an animal. He IS very troubled and very lazy when it comes to how he treats me. He's very charming too. He's decided he's no longer polyamorous and claims it was only to fill the hole in the relationship and bad sex life with me. More insult to injury. It's not my fault but I have a part in it. I would love to actually sweep the police situation under the rug and move on and make every day great and do fun stuff all the time. He's the one that doesn't want to move on and focus on the positive. So I think learning to detach and do the 180 is the best plan. I've tried fill him up with positive after positive and he's truly a bottomless pit. I get that nice guys get angry and resentful. He is not you. He's different. Remember that his sister thinks that he's a narcisstic sociopath. He was fired for cursing out his boss. He's been arrested once or twice. Social services called.... very angry and disgruntled... AND talks about meditation and spiritual program etc. But he's not reaping those benefits. I think you see resemblances to your own situation and you were judged more harshly than was fair but this is a little bit different. Even I don't know for sure because I have my own bias but I'm pretty sure. Last fall he was on some cocktail of meds that made him my dreamboat but also he slept all the time. lol So I'm holding on the the dream, the possibility that it could work - and because we have kids, and because the finances would be hard if we split. And he's angry and vindictive and OH so smart that I'm afraid that he'd get the kids away from me if he got angry enough though he says we'd split the time with the kids. I really don't know what I want and what I should be working towards so the 180 plan seems a reasonable way to bide time. Tonight we all went to dinner and went grocery shopping. We all laughed at dinner. Then he hung up things I wanted screwed into the wall and then asked me to watch Orange is the New Black with him. And then he went to bed to his own room. It's like having an extremely controlling roommate. I don't want a roommate. I want a sex life and a plan to grow old with someone who is committed. I'm tweaking my behavior to get closer to 180 but I feel like I'm still at his beck and call. He certainly has me wrapped around his finger. If he wanted to suddenly be back with me I'd go for it. I have my limits but there's not much to them. The polyamory was a limit. I'm not interested in that lifestyle. And anyway, he was never without jealousy of my behavior so it was uneven anyway. By the way, I changed my computer password so he can't see stuff on my computer. My therapist tried to tell him about the book though. She said "chippie is reading a good book, you should try it." but he really didn't care. He isn't trying to improve the relationship - he's trying to control it - or so it seems.
