Have i been making mistakes too long part 8

[tkdmme]

I am doing ok SH.

I have been out of town for a while and have enjoyed the break. I was able to spend some time with my parents. My father starts chemo again this coming Thursday. he is not doing well. The cancer has spread to his liver, prostate and lymph nodes. He will probably not be with us very long. I have been thinking about moving back to be closer to them but im not sure it would work because of the kids. I would be 4 hours away. Ill figure something out I guess.

As for the STBX, im more confused than ever. At the end of last week I had decided to file for D. I have an appointment tomorrow with a lawyer and I was totally ready to pull the trigger and get things moving. On Friday last week I spoke with W and asked her if she was sure that she wanted this. I told her that I didn't and that I wanted to work things out. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. I asked for a sit down conversation and she agreed. I talked to her on Sunday and asked when she would like to talk and she said that she would when she could. I asked, do you mean when you have time? She said no, when she can. What does this mean? I don't understand "when I can". She is still blaming me for everything but she seems confused.

Anyway,
Yesterday was the fourth and I figured I would be spending the day alone. She called and asked if I wanted to take the kids to get fireworks. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. She also invited me to her brother's for a cook out and to do the fireworks I had bought for the kids. Again I was totally up for it.

During the cookout she completely ignored me and seemed agitated that I was there. She invited me! What the hell is going on here? We ate and shot off the fireworks. I then went home feeling more confused than ever.

[SH_]

tk, Your father is in my prayers as are you and your family.

As for the STBX, im more confused than ever. At the end of last week I had decided to file for D. I have an appointment tomorrow with a lawyer and I was totally ready to pull the trigger and get things moving.

Is a d what you want?

On Friday last week I spoke with W and asked her if she was sure that she wanted this. I told her that I didn't and that I wanted to work things out. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. I asked for a sit down conversation and she agreed. I talked to her on Sunday and asked when she would like to talk and she said that she would when she could. I asked, do you mean when you have time? She said no, when she can. What does this mean? I don't understand "when I can". She is still blaming me for everything but she seems confused.

This is part of the script. And in short, she is confused. She feels that she can not be with you, but a d is still a conflict in her heart for many reasons. this is why there is a DB rule that you believe nothing said and only 50% done.

Anyway,
Yesterday was the fourth and I figured I would be spending the day alone. She called and asked if I wanted to take the kids to get fireworks. Of course I jumped at the opportunity. She also invited me to her brother's for a cook out and to do the fireworks I had bought for the kids. Again I was totally up for it.

You mentioned you were ready for a d, and here you jump at being a family. Can you see how you may be coming off as confused?
Have you read DR? Maybe a DB coach can help you. You could use someone in your corner so that you can build a firm foundation.

During the cookout she completely ignored me and seemed agitated that I was there. She invited me! What the hell is going on here? We ate and shot off the fireworks. I then went home feeling more confused than ever.

You should stay off of her roller coaster. You need to have a direction.
How is AA going?
How is your GAL going?
I know that you probably have been engaged in your fathers situation and many of these things may have taken a back seat, but you will need to keep at them if even in a toned down manner, so that you can stay the course.

Keep us posted and others will share thoughts and guidance as you are still in an unstable place and have a long ways to go.


Be well my friend. I am here to support you.

[tkdmme]

SH,

To answer your question, no I don't want a divorce. However, I am so tired of being in limbo. If a divorce is immanent, I would like to get it over with so that I can move on. Im tired of being treated as if my desires and feelings don't matter. Just like most of us on this site, I want my family back home. She initially said she wanted the D so that she could be happy. However, she is not happy and still thinks im the cause. I hardly see her and only text her about the kids or money. How can I be the source of her unhappiness if im not even around? Ill answer my own question. Im not the source. She just doesn't realize it. She is still the love of my life and the only woman I want but how long must I wait in limbo?

My father and the situation with the W aside, im doing pretty well. My finances are in the toilet but I just got a raise at work and I am starting a new project at the end of this month. I wont lie and say that I have not had a drink but I have been much better since I stared posting again. I haven't been to AA in a while and to be honest, I really hate going. It seems like a cult or something. I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I just feel that I went a little crazy due to the circumstances. I don't go out the bars anymore. If i have a beer, it is at my house after mowing the grass or something. I have been eating healthy even though I still don't have an appetite. Although I really cant afford it, I have been playing a lot of golf with my son and best friend. I have completely stopped contact with the other women I was talking to. I feel pretty good with the progress im making. But just when I was beginning to detach, she reels me back in.

You say "I need to have a direction". I feel that I do or at least I did. I was planning to move forward with the D but now im not sure that I want to. She has seen a lawyer and has told me that she wants a non contested D. This will only work if I agree to her unrealistic demands. She wants me to continue to pay for the kids private schooling plus pay her child support and alimony. I simply cant afford this. This is why I felt that I needed a lawyer so defend me just in case she files and comes after me.

Yes, im still confused. I do feel better and I am sober. Its just so hard to make sense out of the conflicting information i get from the W. I know i shouldn't even be trying to make sense of it. It only sets me back.

[MoveFrwd]

I agree you should have a lawyer. Being prepared and knowing your rights is essential to remove the fear of the unknown.

That said, I don't see what filing for divorce will do for you. How would your actual life change any if you were divorced this instant?

[tkdmme]

A strange turn of events!

I went to see the lawyer yesterday and found out that I have more rights than I thought I had. The lawyer informed me that I could receive 50% custody of the children and that what the W is asking for is unrealistic and unfair. I also found out how expensive this is going to be.

I spoke with the W last night and told her what I had found out and told her that I was not interested in sharing her lawyer. My lawyer told me that using the same lawyer was a bad idea and from everything I have read, she is correct.

Anyway, The W has been acting like she is not sure that a D is what she wants and when I talked to her last night she agreed to a meeting Friday to discuss the possibility of her coming home and working on the M. At first I was happy that she is at least considering coming home but after thinking about it, I started having second thoughts. After everything I've been through over the past year and a half, its going to be extremely hard to look at her the same way. Im probably getting ahead of myself and need to take a step back but im going to have to really forget and forgive before any chance of reconciliation is possible.

[tkdmme]

Guys, I really need some help.

I met with the w last night and she is thinking about moving back home. She says she is not doing this to reconcile but is open to the posability. I just want her and kids home. Do I agree. She would be moving into the spare room. I see it as a step in the right direction. Please help on this one.

[MoveFrwd]

Why would you want her to move back in if she doesn't want to work on the marriage? You don't remember how hard being separated in house was for you?

[tkdmme]

I don't know. I'm in a different place emotionally that I was when we were living together before. I just think if we were under the same roof she might see the improvements I've made and be willing to work on the m. And I see her moving back as an attempt to work on the m whether she admits it or not.

[Coconut]

I don't know. I'm in a different place emotionally that I was when we were living together before. I just think if we were under the same roof she might see the improvements I've made and be willing to work on the m. And I see her moving back as an attempt to work on the m whether she admits it or not.

Tkdmme, I think the problem is outlined in what you've written in the last 2 pages. You went to the family bbq that she invited you to (I think you were expecting her to act like a couple) you said she ignored you and then said every time you start to detach she reels you back in.

Then you wrote what I quoted above. Your expecting her to want to work on M even though she said no. So what is going to happen to your emotional state when your expectation of her working on M doesn't pan out? Your going to be miserable. Do you want her to move back in if she does NOT want to work on M?

[RSG]

I don't know. I'm in a different place emotionally that I was when we were living together before. I just think if we were under the same roof she might see the improvements I've made and be willing to work on the m. And I see her moving back as an attempt to work on the m whether she admits it or not.

I don't know the whole of what you have going on, I'll just throw in my experience. I'm 7 weeks in now. I've finally seen the light, that separation has given me the space I need to work on myself. And even though it's hard to believe what she says, she has mentioned numerous times she's trying to work on herself as well. (It will only be baby steps until OP is sent back to the dumpster he came from though.)

That said, your W wanting to move back in is likely selfishly motivated. She's not going to see anything positive about you until she starts coming out of her fog, and when she does you'll know. She'll start turning back into the person you know, inch by inch. It's a slow process from start to end though, so working on the M is not really an option until SHE decides she cares enough. If you bring it up, you'll be disappointed. I've been there!!