Deadline for Decision 8/15

[RosaLinda]

I can say "sorry" just not "sorry you feel that way" because then it can be seen that I'M not sorry about MY actions just sorry HE feels the way he does.

But that is exactly the proper time to say this, Chippie. To let him know that you are sorry that he feels the way he does, NOT that you are sorry about your actions. If you ever do something you regret, apologize. Apologize immediately. But don't apologize because your husband is p!ssed off that you reacted appropriately to his actions and words, including calling the police if you honestly feel it is necessary.

What I'm guessing he wants to hear is something along the lines of "H, you're a good guy. There are a lot of bad guys out there, you've always made sure to take care of me and the kids, and I was lucky to find you. I was upset when you did a/b/c, but in retrospect I can see that was a reaction to something else, and that you were really wounded by x/y/z and simply doing everything you could to communicate that to me. I'm sorry that x/y/z ever hurt you that much, and that instead of hearing you I blamed you and your reaction."

I wouldn't say that unless it was true. Yes maybe earlier in relationship when there was truth to it. But not when husband is behaving poorly.

If a husband wants respect it has to be earned. Throwing things like a child is not going to earn a husband respect. Learning and implementing good leadership skills will.

I absolutely agree with you, JuJuB! Zues126 do you really consider someone whose actions include "breaking a door, throwing water at me, throwing me computer across the room to me and a light swat to the head," and who also decided that he should be allowed to be polyamorous, someone who deserves being told "you've always made sure to take care of me and the kids, and I was lucky to find you?" And that his actions were an appropriate means of "doing everything you could to communicate that to me???"

I think it's a good thing he is so upset about the cops, that means he cares what you think.

Maybe but maybe not, maybe it just means that he's angry. I'm sorry your ex falsely told people that you were abusive, that she felt like she was walking on eggshells, and didn't feel safe around you without cause. But I would not agree that Chippie's husband's actions are a dynamic that "plays out in many normal relationships." I would not call your ex's actions normal, nor Chippie's husband's actions either.

Chippie, thanks for explaining about your new home. So is the lease only in your name? I think that might be a good thing. My ex used to give me a lot of arbitrary dates that he planned to move out, but never did. What is it that YOU want? You sound a bit ambivalent about whether or not you would like to preserve your marriage. You'd mentioned that he has always been quick to anger, but is this more abusive behavior new on your husband's part? I was thinking maybe it is due to his testosterone replacement medication - it can cause men to emotionally over-react and can cause anxiety and depression. Thyroid medication can cause mood swings too.

This upset me:

he somehow turned it around into a power struggle where he's waiting for me to prove to me that he can trust me again - he never says how, only that he doesn't see that how that's possible...

What have you done that makes your husband distrust you, besides call the police that time? It sounds as if you should distrust him! I think the only way a person who has betrayed someone's trust can ever regain that trust is by their actions. By consistently keeping their word and being honest and straightforward. But I bet that nothing you ever do or say will ever be enough for him.

How are your girls handling all of this?