Did Not See It

[RDS]

Today is 2 months since I’ve really seen my wife and it’s also the day I claim it’s my BD because this is the day my wife dropped my D and I off at the airport to travel to TX. I had no idea she would use the next couple of days to move half of our belonging out of the house and move out to somewhere I still don’t know where.

The last few days have been a real roller coaster for me. Thursday morning I was in a great mood. I was going to see my WAW for the first time in nearly 2 months. I was excited to see her because I hoped I could gauge if I really wanted to work on this M by being with her in a friendly non-confrontational setting. I wasn’t happy in the M for the last 2 or 3 years and there were times I thought about leaving but I couldn’t bring myself to do it for many reasons. I wanted to see if I still had feelings for her to want to make the M work. I know in the couple of times (the only 2 times so far) I’ve talked to her on the phone I did enjoy the conversation but that was because there was no talk of the R. The lunch together was going to be friendly and talk of the R wouldn’t be broached by me. The lunch thing was suggested by my DB coach.

She had to cancel last minute for legitimate reasons and I was very upset about it. I didn’t let her know I was upset as we only texted. I was upset because I knew she would cancel for one reason or another. It was a gut feeling. I felt if it wasn’t for the root canal she probably would have come up with something else. I was also upset because she didn’t cancel until 30 minutes before the meet time. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t let me know earlier because the situation she was in precluded any possible chance she could make it on time.

As I mentioned earlier I was in a serious funk.

Sad to day, my GAL took a back seat. It was almost as if I was in the same fog as when the BD happened. I barely got 2 hours of sleep Thursday night and Friday I had to travel around the state correcting my subcontractor’s screw-ups. I wasn’t planning on doing that. My customer demanded it I so I didn’t have much choice. I was very tired and frustrated and I took it out on my coworkers. They were cool with it.

Most of Friday and all day Saturday was in a fog. I worked on the yard and did miscellaneous things around the house to pass the time. I tried to work on The Feel Good Handbook my IC has me use and I couldn’t get my mind into it. I spent a lot of time on this forum and I read just about everybody’s sitch and that depressed me even more. It seemed everyone is putting up the good fight but it doesn’t seem to be working for most of us. There were many times I wanted to reply to posts to other users. I just didn’t have the inertia to do it.

Sunday I had plans to go to a pool party one of my Meetup groups was having. I had planned to go a couple of weeks ago and I wasn’t about to cancel. I was looking forward to it and I had to get out of the house. My D dropped me off with plans to come back in 5 hours as that was when the party was supposed to be over. If there was one thing my WAW taught me, it was how to arrive at a pool party. I brought plenty of food, plenty of beer, a change of clothes, and my own chair. I had a wonderful time. I was part of the “hard core” people that stayed after the “official” shutdown time. I know I wasn’t staying past my welcome because the host/hostess kept urging us to stay. My D even stayed the extra hour and she was my biggest PR spokesperson as she tooted my cool attributes to everyone (she is the best D any father could have). I met some nice ladies there (no chance of even thinking of dating them).

My mood dimmed when I got home because the house was so lonely. However; a pretty good thing happened. My mood brightened considerably after an hour or so. I realized I had a really good time in a social setting and people liked me (especially the women) and that made me feel good. I realized once I keep getting in the real world I can have a good time and I don’t need my WAW with me.

Monday morning (Independence Day) I still had the good feeling vibe going on. At least I had the good feeling going on until I opened my FB and I started getting the “memory” posts of previous Independence Day celebrations my WAW and I had together, and seeing how other couples were posting their fun times depressed me again. Happily, it wasn’t as bad as it was before the weekend but still it was a few pegs below what I was feeling.

Detaching is still so-so. I try not to text my WAW about anything. It’s much easier not to text her than text her and get annoyed with she doesn’t respond for a couple of hours. She will, however; respond very quickly if it benefits her and that’s irritating.

I have another DB coaching session tomorrow. Hopefully it will get my head on straight.