Being there to help v going dark:balance

[Surfer]

Perfect perspective ifm. Thanks.

[Surfer]

Thanks EDF - explains why people jump off wardrobes dressed as Superman!

[Surfer]

I hope you all enjoyed the trip to Europe! I took my iPad with me so I could read all of your inspirational posts. Has been quite tricky. My first holiday with friends after WW left with the children. Kept my head down and made sure I enjoyed in so I could GAL. I did enjoy it but did keep thinking of them.

I decided only to call the kids once - as I was away 4 nights only and managed that without speaking to WW.

Feel on edge a bit now I am home however so cooked a large paella from scratch doing my own stock - a first for me. Cooking and inviting friends over tonight - I think it's a new GAL thing.

I keep wondering 'what if' and 'if only' though. Does this go away - also perhaps my WW will be one of those stubborn types - most likely that won't see her wrong doing and will only blame it on me perpetually? I try not to worry about that but I do.

[Surfer]

Ups and downs at the moment but today feels great! I really feel to be GAL. I also am losing any 'need' for my WW and I don't feel sad at that. I feel happy. I feel independent and happy. The kids are happy too. My wife seemed okay this morning when she dropped them for me to do the school run. I guess she seemed a bit frosty but okay - I just said 'have a nice day' (she didn't say much). We have a mediation soon - I don't even fear that now.

So what's my point? Okay I drop the rope (it feels dropped right now), then what? Just wait stay dark, minimal contact and GAL? If that's it - I am loving it, and I don't know if I want my WW back. If I do she will have changed (unlikely) will be doing the chasing and will have to compete in the market (not that I am anywhere near having a relationship at all). She will also have stopped putting her girlfriends before her H and M (& children) and will treat me with decency and respect (as I will her). I just don't think she will do this.

[doodler]

So what's my point? Okay I drop the rope (it feels dropped right now), then what? Just wait stay dark, minimal contact and GAL? If that's it - I am loving it, and I don't know if I want my WW back. If I do she will have changed (unlikely) will be doing the chasing and will have to compete in the market (not that I am anywhere near having a relationship at all). She will also have stopped putting her girlfriends before her H and M (& children) and will treat me with decency and respect (as I will her). I just don't think she will do this.

Surfer,

I know exactly where you're coming from. Within a few days of my wife moving out, the whole world felt like a happier place. I hate that I have to split my time with the boys (I wish I had them 100% of the time), but being out from under the tyranny of the WW was wonderful. I could actually get stuff done.

I loved and adored that woman, but I don't think she'd ever do the things that she'd have to do to come back to the marriage. I don't think she'd be able to live with the new doodler. If she moved back into the house, I don't think she'd last 15 minutes before I'd be ushering her out again. I wish that weren't the case, but I'm not ever going to be a doormat again.

[Surfer]

So what's next Doodler? How do you see your life panning out and that of your kids etc?

[doodler]

Surfer,

I'm going to have as much fun as possible with my sons and I'll continue to be a great dad. I've had tons of fun doing home improvement type stuff and building things (my bed and shutters among other things). I'll probably continue building things (I love working with cedar and iron).

I have a real itch to do a web startup business. I think I'll start scratching that itch in the next six months.

Other than that, I don't have any concrete plans. I'd love to get back into flying and cave diving, but that'll have to wait until my sons get older. I'd also like to do a lot of traveling and mountain climbing and get a sailboat...

Time and money are my main constraints. (What's new?) But there's lots to do. And, along the way, if I meet a woman that makes me crazy, in a good way, then maybe I'd consider a little somethin' somethin'.

[AndrewP]

Surfer - sorry for the hijack but....

Hey doodler! When I had a life years ago I was an avid boat-builder and have built a number of small, cheap boats. You may want to google "One Sheet Skiff" or "Mouseboat" for some plans that are free for easy to build fun boats that you and the boys would have fun with. Sadly the 16' gaff rigged sloop I built has been sitting next to the garage for years being ignored because in part I was focusing too much on W and not myself. One thing I learned was to build them cheap, fast and not worry if they last.

[doodler]

AndrewP,

I'll check out the boat plans. I hadn't considered building a small sailboat. Thanks!

[sandi2]

I would welcome any tips on how to deal with this and thoughts on why my wife is putting herself first, before our children, to have an argument

Selfishness is her motivation.

Apparently, she enjoys lashing out at you and getting her way.

I agree with not putting yourself into a similar position again. There is no reason you should escort the kids to the door.

I read your note about a WW being sad possibly = OM being out of the picture. I agree with this. However, is rebellion (partying, reckless spending etc) enough as opposed to an OM - could rebellion provide sufficient payoff to the WW?

Well, I was actually talking about more of a mood. The A/OM becomes her addiction. Many times, the H will see his WW acting as if she is in a happy mood.......having a good day, etc. He thinks to himself that maybe this is a sign that things are getting better in the MR.......b/c she's in a better mood. In reality, she has had a fix for her addiction (some type of contact with the OM) and it is that fix that has her in a chipper mood. If she has had no contact with her affair partner in a little while, then her craving starts kicking and she may seem very down.

Also how do you confront your wife BA ("B@lls Attached") when the children are always present. Bit tricky that one....or do you leave the conversation and revisit it another time? It's like my WW uses the children as a shield. Her tongue is her sword (and my word it is sharp - as is her ability to manipulate) and the presence of children or others is her shield. She can lash out and injure then put up the shield to defend. Any thoughts on how to deal with this? Comments like "I see what you are saying there" doesn't really cut it as my WW will just continue 'going'? Don't get me wrong here, I don't want to attack back, but there needs to be a boundary/consequence at times.

The children are her leverage and she knows she gets away with more, if it's in their presence. She treats you this way b/c she gets away with it.

Comments like "I see what you are saying there" doesn't really cut it as my WW will just continue 'going'? Don't get me wrong here, I don't want to attack back, but there needs to be a boundary/consequence at times.

I agree. I don't think saying something like that would cause her to see you standing tall and not taking her sh't. For example, you could tell her that you will not be disrespected in front of your children. However, you have to know what you can do as a consequence. Not going into her house or inviting her into yours, is one way. Telling her all discussions will be by email, is another. For sure, don't just stand there trying to give her words of validation, while she verbally whips you.

The first thought you may have is concern about reconciling if communication is through email only. IMHO, it would not matter. It's better than allowing her to show disrespect. She has to be convinced you will stick with it. Don't show her you are afraid to lose her. In fact, she should be concerned about losing you.