Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Thanks, Col -- keeping a journal sounds like a great idea. Good luck to you. Do you have a thread yet?

One thing I know I really struggle with is the outward facing part of this. How to be pleasant and available and let her know I'm listening if/when she wants to talk (about anything -- but usually her job) when on the inside I'm in agony doing that dance between abject fear and depression on one end of the spectrum and hope on the other that builds a bit, then gets dashed every time she lets me know nothing's really changed. I can definitely pull back and have previously from time to time, but it tends to give of a distinct whiff of pouting when I do it, which isn't what I want to project, I know.

Zenlike, withdrawn but happy, dancing to beautiful, internal music is the goal, I know .. . but how do you get there?!?!?! I guess that's the journey I keep wanting to find a shortcut that will make it end sooner.