Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Some action items I'm going to try to hold myself to:

1. No more relationship talks for the foreseeable future. Not working and, in fact, they're a huge accelerant for the dumpster fire that the marriage at the moment.

2. No more initiating texts or phone calls unless it's a legitimate child-related matter.

3. I really need to work on not following her around at home. I definitely do this.

4. Relatedly, try to get the pulse-checking, monitoring, etc. lowered and, hopefully, removed from my set of behaviors.

5. Keep the weight off, stay lean. 175# on the scale today. I'm 5"11" tall, so would still like to lose a few more, but pretty good progress -- I was butting up against 200# this winter and spring.

6. Keep all of my physical training appointments and see what that entails. Liking my body can't hurt at all, I wouldn't think.

7. I should have put this at the top, but get back to parenting as the primary focus of my life! It's been really hard to be present for them with all of these thoughts pinging around in my head.

8. Start taking guitar lessons again. I've played for years but largely dropped it as my situation has devolved.

9. After my surgery, I'll never be a runner again, unfortunately (because it's such a low maintenance way of getting fit), but I want to get my bike tuned up and start riding. We have some of the best mountain biking anywhere.

10. I don't have a lot of great friends here locally, but try to get a few to start doing things on a semi-regular basis. The worst they can say is no.

Thoughts? Any others leap out from my babblings above as things I'd do well to try?

[tkdmme]

Hey JRuss,

Im no expert at all but these seem like great goals. Its weird. I got the same, "im not attracted to you" 2 days after you did. I did the same chasing her around the house. It did nothing but run her off. She left with the kids just after new years day this year.

Nothing I have done has had any effect on the W. She doesn't respond to anything. Its the most gut wrenching experience I have ever gone through. I followed the rules for a while and saw that it didn't bring her back. At that point I gave up and went completely crazy. I was drinking ever night and chasing women at the bars. It only made me feel worse. I have since stopped the crazy behavior and im back trying to follow the rules again. It still doesn't seem to matter to the W.

Anyway, The point im trying to make is to follow the rules to better yourself, not to get the W back. If she is anything like my W, she will not respond to anything anyway. I hope that im wrong and that you are able to reconcile soon.

If you ever want to read about what not to do, take a look at my thread.

[JRuss]

tkdmme -- thanks for the response. I'm really sorry things went the way they did for you and wish you hadn't had to go through what you've gone through (and likely still are going through). Part of me definitely understands this is where things might be headed for me, too (although I don't think my wife wants or could ever handle sole custody), and that's why I live life in such a state of perpetual fear that's so hard to break through. S

I will check out your thread

[Buxom]

Hi jruss. I've bee doing 180 stuff for about two weeks. At the one week mark, I had a really shaken day and really wanted to again try and convince WH what he could do.. I had to bite my tongue, head to the garden and the barn and after dark I did reading. It was better after breaking my habit! Ironically last night H came I to my bedroom, he left mbr about ten days ago, and said " oh, I was just where you went". Interesting. I started to keep a journal on the positive changes noticed in H. I also chart what I see as my successes and my things I now do opposite from before. Poor guy has to do his own laundry!!
Hang in there, we're all in this together.
Col

[doodler]

Part of me definitely understands this is where things might be headed for me, too (although I don't think my wife wants or could ever handle sole custody), and that's why I live life in such a state of perpetual fear that's so hard to break through.

JRuss,

Is your fear that you won't have custody of your children? Or maybe a better way to ask that is, what is it that's keeping you in a state of perpetual fear?

[JRuss]

JRuss,

Is your fear that you won't have custody of your children? Or maybe a better way to ask that is, what is it that's keeping you in a state of perpetual fear?

No, I think my wife would absolutely let me have 50% custody. I think one of the thing's she's running from is having had too much of her identity get enmeshed with child-rearing and domesticity, so I think she fantasizes about having less to do on that front. And me having to go it alone when it's "my week" would, in her eyes, show me all that she had to go through when I was just working, trying to help, not really understanding my role, etc.

My fear really stems from missing that 50% of the time with my kids. I know well meaning people have said that 50% that's really great and focused can be better than 100% where the parents aren't happy, and I guess I can see it on one level, but it's the little things, like watching my daugher give her mother a hug, or the three of them singing silly songs -- I just really am scared about losing the times where all four of us are together. Those moments, hearing about the little things, like the little one has a splinter and watching how he psyches himself up not to be scared of the tweezers.

Then I'm just really worried about how the two of them will handle a divorce if it comes to that. Life is hard in the best of circumstances. Adolescences is brutal for everyone, let alone when you have to throw in a divorce scenario. I know people say kids are resilient, and they'll adapt and, eventually thrive. But some don't, and the data really seem to say that, actuarily speaking, the best results,assuming there's no abuse, is for marriages to limp along, even if they aren't happy. My D12 is extremely sensitive and seems to have inherited my anxiety reflex-- I have no faith this won't be a disaster for her, even if we have the loving, peaceful divorce my wife seems to think would be possible.

Probably more than you needed, but that's it, in a nutshell.

[JRuss]

Thanks, Col -- keeping a journal sounds like a great idea. Good luck to you. Do you have a thread yet?

One thing I know I really struggle with is the outward facing part of this. How to be pleasant and available and let her know I'm listening if/when she wants to talk (about anything -- but usually her job) when on the inside I'm in agony doing that dance between abject fear and depression on one end of the spectrum and hope on the other that builds a bit, then gets dashed every time she lets me know nothing's really changed. I can definitely pull back and have previously from time to time, but it tends to give of a distinct whiff of pouting when I do it, which isn't what I want to project, I know.

Zenlike, withdrawn but happy, dancing to beautiful, internal music is the goal, I know .. . but how do you get there?!?!?! I guess that's the journey I keep wanting to find a shortcut that will make it end sooner.

[doodler]

My fear really stems from missing that 50% of the time with my kids. I know well meaning people have said that 50% that's really great and focused can be better than 100% where the parents aren't happy, and I guess I can see it on one level, but it's the little things, like watching my daughter give her mother a hug, or the three of them singing silly songs -- I just really am scared about losing the times where all four of us are together. Those moments, hearing about the little things, like the little one has a splinter and watching how he psyches himself up not to be scared of the tweezers.

I hate the 50% thing. That's the worst part of it for me and the boys don't like it either. Separation and divorce is terrible for children; they're truly innocent victims. But, I'm unwilling to live in an open marriage; I think my sons understand that.

If I could have 100% custody, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

[JRuss]

doodler -- my wife just assumes it will be fine for our kids. They're "resilient". I think she's whitewashing it, frankly. Many, many well-meaning couples somehow manage to do just about everything right: no fighting, no badmouthing the other spouse, friendly, amicable, etc., and their children STILL end up messed up. That's my biggest fear of all, frankly. I know I'd eventually survive the divorce and having to confront that loss (it wouldn't be easy, of course), but if I thought I'd contributed to screwing up either of my kids, I'd really not be able to manage, I don't think.

[Buxom]

I do have a thread just started today. Called First post here... doing 180 and GAL. Not sure how to share link.

I'm getting a bit overwhelmed and discouraged after reading on the MLC forum. I always believed my clever, intelligent, sensitive man would come out of it! Now I'm not so sure. It's hard to handle the idea that it may never change and that he may be stuck and not try anymore. I'm giving it at least six months and we will see where we are at I guess.
Col