What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[Coconut]

I think it would be a mistake to tell her you won't have any part of the FF social activities, when she's made it abundantly clear how important FF is to her. Are you wanting to punish her? That is the way it looks, from the outside. When you are trying to piece the M back together, you need to show each other support.

It wasn't about punishing her, I felt like it was a compromise to myself, I gave into her staying so I felt like supporting mandatory activities but not participating in "extra curricular" activities allowed me to support her but not have to be "happy about it". I now see the flaw in that thinking, I determine my boundaries and consequences, and if she doesn't cross my boundary (which I withdrew) then I need to support her as her H.

The more you exclude yourself, the more she is seen as a single woman, and the more she will continue going out without inviting her H.

Wonka's statement that I should go and claim her as my W, and what you say here resonated with me. I did enjoy the other times that I was at the station and around the other firefighters, I have gotten to know a few of the firefighters and I want to get to know the rest, make sure they know who I am and who I'm with.. I was allowing my pride to dictate my actions.

After all that has taken place, you can attend the parade and the FF barbecue. I think it will show her support. Your attendance there makes a statement that you are a couple, and you have not broken up. Don't smother her at the barbecue or try to put on a show of PDA, but do stand by her, socialize, and let her introduce you around. Be sure your male confidence is high on the chart.

I did attend, I did support her, statement made ... I know better than to try and "claim her" by forcing PDA in a situation like the barbecue, but with that said, she would grab my hand as we walked around, came over to me a few times for a hug or wrapped her arms around me while standing around chatting with others. My male confidence was off the chart, I can hold my own in conversations with the FF's and I was very engaged with the joking and bantering going on..

Not attending her graduation is just plain mean, IMO. She has worked really hard and she is proud of her acomplishment. Not attending will really hurt your MR. It is the OM you want to hurt, so don't take it out on her.

Not going was never a plan, it was an "option" as I considered how I wanted to handle the fact that she was continuing the with the academy (thus contact with OM), not going to graduation was just part of the thought of not supporting it at all, and then the other extreme was to fully support her firefighting(which is what I've decided to do).

And one more thought on this..........it would be a really bad move, and then tell her you are going to become a FF, too. (Which, I don't think your heart is in the job, or even if it's a good idea since you already have day jobs together). Don't you think it's more just you wanting to be wherever she is b/c of the whole A Issue?

um, I can't really answer that Sandi2. I first mentioned it before I knew anything about an A, but I think it was prompted by feeling like I was losing her and wanting to do it with her. Later, the idea of joining was definitely spearheaded by being able to keep an eye on things. But if this is really something she is passionate about, and want's to do for a long time, I really think it is something that could bond us. It's no good if we are planning on going out to dinner, or at dinner, and she gets a call and has to leave me and go on call. But if we are both going, both serving our city and doing something we enjoy (I do think I'd enjoy it after seeing everything I have) together, it seems like it could be a good thing. But I don't need to decide now, it's a long way away.

There is that thing in you that wants to punish her, and I think it gets in the way of you making right decisions. I want to make a statement about where you are on the DB path. If you are piecing, you don't necessarily apply the same actions you were doing when she was in the A and the M was breaking apart. Do you see what I mean?
For example, not initiating contacts might not work well if you are in the piecing stage. Not initiating or joining into conversations, and not engaging into activities with her......would not be recommended piecing tools.

Not going to lie, it was hard to transition back into being open to communication (both starting and responding) when we started piecing.. I mean the hurt was still there, we still weren't "Happy" together, and it took me so long to detach just a little that I was hesitant to revert back being supportive and open. I do see what you mean and I am (and have been) there, I am not stand offish, I am not just cordial but engaging, I don't try and limit communication.

I will even go as far to say that if you do not fully understand the mental attitude of detaching.........then, it probably makes you appear cold, withdrawn, moody, angry, sullen, and other negative traits you don't want showing when you are piecing.

I am no pro, not going to say I'm detached, or even close... I will say that my attempts at detaching have nothing to do with her, I do not change the way I act with her, I simply feel myself processing information differently. I no longer have this uncontrollable urge to "discuss" my feelings to something that happens, I can just keep going in the present. That's not to say I wont discuss it later if I feel it warrants it, I'm just saying that I don't feel controlled by things I see anymore.

I think you said something, a few pages ago, about needing to work on your detaching and you were going to do something (can't remember what) to physically detach that day. Considering your previous issues that helped to the breakdown of the MR, I don't know that you should be trying to physically detach. Sure, you need to still GAL and give her some breathing space. You don't want to turn into a clingy H. I believe you can learn to mentally/emotionally detach from things that start working on you and gets your anger stirred up. And, it would help in not wildly swinging from one side of the road to the other.

Without going back and reading, I think I mentioned physically detaching twice... once when I had decided I wasn't going to initiate snuggling one night because I didn't want it to be the only way I could fall asleep, and another night when I had GAL plans and she ended up being available, but I went anyway. But in general, I am not trying to avoid or physically detach from her, I actually enjoy the time we are spending together, which is much more time than we used to.

I would like to stress that I do not smother her and never really had, only time was during the 1 month after the ILYBNILWY speech, before I knew of A. But with that said, I do take a moment occasionally to hug, touch, or something when I happen to be near her (or passing her). When that happens I make sure to take a moment to connect with her (look deep in her eyes, hold hug just a few seconds longer, whisper how beautiful she is, etc.) and make sure she knows its not just obligatory, but real.

You need something, like a boxing bag, to wham every day. Maybe it would help relieve some anger. The transition from the place of the H who has a W in an A.......to piecing the marriage back together, must be difficult. She is still in the place where she needs to be transparent. I think the way you communicate your need for her transparency should be in such a way it doesn't sound like a sentencing for her.

Anyway, we can talk more along these lines later. Hope you have a great holiday.

We do have a punching bag at the house (for my son to practice karate) and I do hit it every now and then to release some (rage related)stress, and I also enjoy meditation which I think is actually more effective at releasing stress (non rage related). But I haven't had much stress or anger in the last week (since she wrote me the letter).

I'm in a good place.