Newby here, desperate for some advice

[JRuss]

Sandi -- thanks so much for your post. It is great to hear the perspective of not only a woman, but a woman who's experienced something seemingly very similar to what my wife is experiencing.

I do think my tendency is to think this is all my fault, and I think my wife hasn't exactly done anything to dissuade me from these feelings. As I mentioned, she's really been incredibly vague about what the problems are, has resolutely resisted counseling, and has given me a only a few scraps of information in terms of things I might be able to fix or change. The idea that it might be some or even a large part due to what's going on in her head is both eye opening (it would be a relief to know it's not all my fault) and, frankly, scary (because then it's completely outside of my ability to influence).

Since she hasn't ever given me a narrative account of how our relationship started to and then fell apart, I've have given a lot of thought and tried to figure out what happened inside her that might have set this in motion.

We met in law school. We were just friends for most of the first year (she wanted more, and I was actually resistant and she chased me -- wow how things changed) for a lot that first (the hardest, school-wise) year. We were together pretty much the entire last two years, though. She was a great student, better than me, and she got a great job in Seattle. I went out there with her, got myself a good job, and we lived together for about a year and half before we got engaged. We had a great relationship then -- lots of fun outside of work, lots of travel, shared experiences, and a shared knowledge of what work was like because we both lived the same thing and could support each other.

We had our first child out there, and it got pretty overwhelming with trying to balance two jobs that were so demanding. When my daughter was 1.5 years old, we moved to my wife's hometown back east, where her parents still lived, so our daughter would know grandparents (my parents live pretty close, too), but it was also to get some help caring for her.

Now, moving was not my idea at all. She came up with it. I'd hardly ever been to this town before that but was fine moving because she said it was what she wanted. Work life balance was really causing her pain in Seattle at that point with the small baby at home. When we moved,she took a step back career-wise and took an easier, less hectic and not-as-well-paying job. I started at a firm here and pretty quickly made partner. Again, taking a "lesser" job wasn't my idea. It was all her idea. I thought it was what she wanted, and that was fine by me.

We had a second child about a year and a half after moving. She had pretty vicious post-partem after he was born. Not sure if that's relevant but just tossing it into the mix. I remember very vividly her screaming at me about 2-3 days after he was born "Why don't you just go back to work -- you're not any help here!" That hurt and bewildered me, but things went back to normal (or so I at least thought), so nothing seemed amiss.

She had been working on a novel going all the way back to law school and finally finished it in this time frame and started shopping it. It was good -- far better than I could have done -- but it just didn't read like a real, professionally written work except for a few parts that really were quite good. I tried to be supportive. I read it and re-read it for her, gave her proposed edits, researched how you go about getting books published and helped her how I could, but I think she knew on some level that I wasn't fully present, and it was because I knew that it wasn't going to get published. The odds are just astronomical in the best of circumstances, and her book would have needed some professional editing. Anyway, it didn't get published, and she threw it in a box and put it under our bed. I know it hurt, and I always tried to comfort her, but I think she felt that little bit of distance/separation. And she wanted to succeed so much!

In this timeframe, I'm getting pretty overwhelmed by trying to hold down my job, to provide, but also to be a good father (I'm a big time worrier). Stress and living with it was something I only started to understand or work at after all of our problems became known to me. Our date nights start to get less frequent, and I know now this is when everything started to wobble. But still no mention of dissatisfaction, nothing. She wrote me this incredible anniversary card on our 10th anniversary (so after almost 15 years together), and it went on and on about how happy she was, how she loved me, how she loved her life . . . and I think I just let that be the last word on things since there was no subsequent mention of any change of heart.

My inexpert opinion is that, at some point, she lost her sense of her self. Or, rather, that her identity, to her, became something (mother, childcare and household leader, supporting role to her husband) that she didn't like or want. She felt like she had made sacrifices that weren't appreciated. And they may not have been because, remember, she had come up with the plan to take a step back, move back home, and, from my perspective, I'd supported her by going where and doing what she said she wanted.

At one point, she came to me and said she wanted to go back to a fulltime law practice, and I stupidly, and from a place of worry, said I was afraid of how that would impact the family (it was already a completely hectic life from my perspective with her working in a less-demanding job. and I couldn't see how we'd manage with two full time law jobs, with late nights, weekend work at times, etc.). This I now know was a huge moment that hurt her greatly.

She eventually got back into private practice about 13 months ago, but it took much longer than she wanted due to the Great Recession (law hiring pretty much went to 0). Her return came after the "I'm not attracted to you" BD. Knowing by now how much I'd hurt her by being lukewarm about her getting a new job, I threw all of my efforts into brainstorming how she could first get the job then, when she did, how she could best position herself to stick and, slowly, start to move up. She's doing really well. Working tons of hours. And I've picked up at home with the kids and around the house a lot, to the point where I probably do at least as much as she does (though I don't think she'd admit it). It hasn't helped anything, though.

I think she got to a point where reality didn't match the expectations she'd held for herself. I think she started looking around at her life and couldn't blame the kids (they're kids and just do kid things, like they're supposed to) and wasn't able or willing to blame herself, so I got most of it. Some of it certainly warranted, but some of it -- to me -- not warranted.

I don't see it as a full-blown MLC, but maybe some small elements of one? THis idea that life is passing her by, that she needs to make up for lost time, that I've held her back, that there might be someone better out there. I don't think I"m competing (yet) with another (actual) man, but probably am in terms of an imagined superhero who has what few positive traits I've managed to keep (in her eyes) and many, many more I don't, and with none of the failings.

No rush at all, but if you have any insights into any of the above, I'd really love to hear them. Again -- no rush. You and everyone else have already been tremendously generous with your time.