Last night I picked XH up at the airport. I take him to my house. He walks right into the bedroom to put his bags down.
In the car he was sort of distant. Tired looking and that was the feeling that I got, not tired so much from lack of sleep, but just drained and down.
I had mentioned spending his 40th birthday with him when I was in Seattle this past weekend. At the time he kind of blew it off and said he wanted to be alone. In the car from the airport, he said that he was going to attend his nephew's graduation in Oklahoma. That he would be there for his birthday. Then he said, "I'm not even going to get laid for my 40th birthday, you know your getting old then." I just said that life is all about choices. Let's see XH, if we were together, I would also be going, and YES you would get laid.
We chatted about his new house and I did my best to validate his feelings.
At the house we watched the last few minutes of the NBA playoffs while just sitting on the couch. I have a little Miniature Pinscher dog and as soon as we sat down, she jumped on his lap and crawled up on his chest and went to sleep. She doesn't do this with people when they come over, so may she knows something?
I leaned over to kiss him, (we had not yet kissed at all) he was not really receptive. Ok, maybe not a good time since the game was on and all, (even though it wasn't even close). I didn't push.
Once the game was over and of course even though there are 100's of channels, there was nothing to watch. I put the dogs away and we went to bed.
WELL... he may have not been receptive on the couch, but it was ALL about me in bed. He was so into just wanting me to enjoy. He would ask "Do you like this?" touching, kissing, oh my!
We both slept very peacefully and snuggled together all night. We have these very comfortable positions that no matter if one of us wants to sleep on one side or the other or on our back the other will adjust so we can remain touching and snuggled.
Our S is out of town, so XH is using his car to go to the eye doctor. I left for work before he had to get up, so I left him sleeping in my bed and went to work. I told he was welcome to use my PC or he could connect his laptop to our home network if he needed to. I told him that none of the kids would be home in the afternoon so he would have the house to himself. I said I have a meeting that will last until 3:30 or 4:00 and I would be home after that. Kissed him lightly and he said, "your leaving?" I said I had to, but for him to have a good day and he said, no. Not at all in an angry or upset way, but a down, sad way. I said why not, he said he didn't know. I said, you just don't want to? he said no. All of this is while he is snuggled under the blankets and I am giving him light kisses on his face. I could so feel his pain. But there isn't a lot I can do except BE ME! So I just said, oh I'm sorry, don't be grumpy, more kisses and left.
<sigh>
He will be here through Sat. He just called me to say that he was having the eye surg tomorrow and the 24 hour check on Sat. I asked if he had any plans and if he wanted to get a massage. I have found the absolute BEST place ever for massages. So I am going to see if we can get in on Sat after his appt.
The thing that is so weird for me is that last weekend while I was up there and now last night and today is that it is SO NORMAL. We are doing just normal life stuff. Sitting on the couch with a glass of wine watching TV, or making appointment arrangements. That is normal life.
Oh but wait.... We are NOT normal! We are in this twilight zone episode.
When the alarm went off this morning it was just as it had done 1000's of times before. In that split second I truly felt like all was good in the universe.
Water, I think that he does not think that he is worthy of you, so you should start acting like a biatch. He sounds like a masochist-he's hurting himself/beating himself up and may feel better if you "punish" him in some way too.
Is this total non-DB? It would be a 180 for you! karen812
Good day Water, I'm sorry for not remember. is H taking any anti-D's? If not, it seems worth considering. Does he have a general practictioner that could lead him in the right direction? It sounds like H might need a little help to level off.
Meanwhile keep being your bubbly self in a friendly supportive way. Its a battle of (+) vs (-) attitudes. The one that persists the most wins out in the long run.
Hi KAW~ H is not on any meds. He has mentioned several times about seeing a counselor, but as far as I know he is not.
I am open to suggestions as to how to discuss this with him. When you don't feel well, how receptive are you to someone else telling you that you can feel better by doing this or that?
It can be very tricky, because their first reaction is usually to resist. The approach you could take is to have him consider just getting a general check-up and mention it to the doc and get his recommendations. Mention it once, give him time to mull it over.
It was difficult with CAW. She hardly would get out of bed. I told her if she can't talk to me, just talk to C one time to see if it will help get some of it off her chest. She agreed. In that session she expressed how she had it all planned out to commit suicide and was just waiting for the right timing. Under law C had the obligation to contact me right away to have her admitted for medical treatment. She spent two weeks in an institution where they started her on meds.
Quote: The thing that is so weird for me is that last weekend while I was up there and now last night and today is that it is SO NORMAL . We are doing just normal life stuff. Sitting on the couch with a glass of wine watching TV, or making appointment arrangements. That is normal life.
Oh but wait.... We are NOT normal! We are in this twilight zone episode.
This to me is incredibly frustrating... are WE the only ones that see the NORMAL and see how wonderful the NORMAL is??? When we all went car shopping as a family we all slid right back into being a wonderfully loving family... very NORMAL, well, even better than normal, cause we were all talking and laughing and enjoying each other. The next day... NOTHING. Nada, like it never happened... yep, like we had turned off the TV... Weird.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I try really hard to keep up with your sitch....your XH is soooo confussed....guess that's pretty obvious. KAW has some good suggestions re: meds and how to approach. I think my H could use them too....but my approach has not worked in the last 9 mos....I've left it alone.
At least he is wanting you and loving you in his own way ....and wanting you to feel oh-so good....that's a huge positive. Wish these guys could get their heads on straight....be more open & honest. They are just holding themselves back from healing and moving forward.
keep doing what works....stay upbeat and pos and come here to rant, like we all often do.
((Water)) I hope you realize that I was being facetious the other day.
I'm reading a lot of feedback about what H should do, and how it's frustrating that he's not, etc. I'm sure it helps to know that other ppl are in the same sitch as you, but it's important that we keep the focus on YOU and what YOU can do to make yOURSELF feel better.
As much as you think H needs AD's, he may be extremely resistant to discussing it and feeling like you are pushing even if you do it most gently. He has to want help for himself. Unless you say something like, "have you ever thought about talking to someone or taking AD's?" I'm not sure if you'd had that convo.
I wish I knew how you could help make him feel better. Validating seems to be key. What about the example in the book about the depressed man and the w trying to cheer him up (or was it the other way around?) Cheering up may not work, but validating will. Or the story about the guy who thought his boss was being unreasonable. She kept telling him he could do it, etc...no help. Then one day she slams her hand on the table and agrees with the injustices that h is feeling. Then he says, " well, maybe it's not THAT bad..I think I can do this..., etc."
What is different when he doesn't talk this way? Are there days when he seems less depressed or more confident in himself? What are YOU doing to contribute to that?
Quote: I'm sure it helps to know that other ppl are in the same sitch as you, but it's important that we keep the focus on YOU and what YOU can do to make yOURSELF feel better.
Yep, I second that! Put the focus on you, I know this is hard, but it can be done! Drop the rope and move forward. Someday he may decide that things were not that bad with you, meanwhile you build a new you. How many times do we get lost in being a wife and/or mother? We loose who we are and where we were going with our life. Go back to before the R and find you! This is what I'm trying to do. Sometimes I have to take a 2 x 4 to my bitter self though, LOL.
Thank you everyone for dropping by and the kind words! I sooo appreciate it. This is such a weird frame of mind for me to be in. I'm still trying to get accustomed to being D'd.
XH came into town last Wed night, I picked him up from the airport. None of the kids were home and we had the house to ourselves. He did not even hesitate to put his bags in my room. Very snugglie night....
Thurs we both worked and he called to ask if I needed anything on his way home. Then took our oldest S and his fiance out to dinner. NORMAL stuff.
Fri H had he laser eye surgery. All went well. I took him home and tucked him into bed as he needed to sleep for the afternoon, while I ran some errands. That night we all just hung out watching playoffs on TV.
Sat we got up and did some errands together and went to breakfast. He needed to do some work on computer so I did laundry and tidied up. In the afternoon we went for his 24 hour check up then we went downtown and walked around holding hands. We had a late lunch and then had massages. It was a wonderful afternoon.
We went home and made out on the couch. We watched Four Weddings and a Funeral. We had never seen it before. That was not an easy movie to watch. At the end I had some tears coming down and he asked what was wrong. I told him weddings and making promises to love someone forever. Neither of us really wanted to talk about it, and snuggled. After the movie we took the dogs and got Chinese take out.
We talked a lot about his house, he is having a lot of problems with the builder. He asked my opinion on several things and we talked about it a lot.
Ok, so this is two weekends in a row that were simply NORMAL. We spent 4 nights together. Lots of
My thought process is to just enjoy the time and not think too much into it. Even IF we were on our way to getting back together, we have a LONG LONG way to go.
Is this total non-DB? It would be a 180 for you! 
