Newby here, desperate for some advice

[EDF]

I think you need to look at it like that Edison quote: "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

You know that the pursuing and rationalizing, the "intense, tear-filled conversations"... talking about your feelings... having sex... asking for MC... those things aren't helping. So stop doing those things. I may be reading between the lines too much but I get the sense you may have been asking your wife if she noticed your changes, and if so don't do that either

It's a process, so don't beat yourself up too much over past mistakes, just focus on what you need to do moving forward. Another quote I like goes something like "The best day to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best day is today."

Those who've done it -- how do you persuasively act like you don't care if the 180 is working?

I'm still working through things myself, but I think a big part of it is you are still focused on doing all these things to "save your marriage". Understand that even if you manage to save your marriage, getting there is going to be a long grueling road with lots of ups and downs and setbacks along the way. Even if you started doing everything right today... but stayed focused on "saving your marriage" or "avoiding divorce" or "rekindling attraction from your wife", you are going to continue to be constantly frustrated and demoralized from the rollercoaster ride that is just a standard part of the process. You will continue doing everything while checking to see if it's affecting your wife, and she will continue to see that, and it's going to hurt your efforts.

So, you have to really commit to doing these things for you. You deserve to be happy, with or without your wife. Internalize that, and set goals that are important to you, and go after them for you.

I threw myself into an orgy of self-improvement, started going to a therapist (a God send), taught myself how to meditate (another God send) and read dozens of self-improvement books. I've lost about 25 pounds. I've talked to my best friend a lot, and to my Dad and sister, both of whom are professional mental health counselors. I made it my mission in life to change.

I'm hearing a lot of success here! The more you commit and believe that you are doing these things because they are what you want, the less important it will become whether your wife notices.

So what are your personal goals? Any hobbies you can rediscover?

Some specific things that have really helped me in GALing effectively and without doing it just to seek validation from my wife:
- I made a list of reasons I'm pretty awesome, and occasionally review it.
- I keep a running list of interesting GAL activities I want to do, and use it to help plan some things for myself. Some are general filler things like 'go for a walk' and some are date-specific things like a social outing, UFC fight, whatever. It helps me come up with things to do so I'm not hovering around the wife all the time, or moping around the house bored. In your case, some of your GAL activities could include doing fun things with your kids too.
- I shared some of my goals and accomplishments with friends, and share good things on the forum and/or facebook, so I can get some validation from people other than my wife.
- I stopped sharing my accomplishments with my wife. If I lose more weight, or have a great run, or have fun hanging out with friends, I celebrate my accomplishment for myself, or share those things with other people. If she specifically asks (e.g. how my weight loss is going), I try to keep it to short casual answers.