Being there to help v going dark:balance

[Surfer]

I had the children for an extended weekend for my birthday last weekend. My parents came and stayed too and we had a fantastic time. The children left happy and contented as I dropped them back at my WW's house.

Unfortunately, my WW attempted to needle me into an argument about the children's clothes that I brought back when I dropped them off. The point of debate was that she had wanted me to bring back all of their clothes back rather than leave some at our family home. I didn't think it had been made clear at the time of dropping the children off to me and therefore I attempted to validate her concerns without apologising as such. However, it quickly became a "but you never listen etc" conversation when my wife was clearly trying to extend the debate as much as possible until it ended in an argument. I kept attempting to exit it the conversation saying that I would return with the additional clothes or she would be more than welcome to pick them up. However, she continued to attempt a dialogue as I attempted to exit it. Unfortunately this unsettled the children and left them feeling that mummy and daddy were arguing.

I really do not like this type of manipulation it's an attempt to create conflict which I really do not want to have in front of the children because it's so bad for them. Also there is no need to be like this. We are adults and parents. It is childish and unacceptable.

It is a struggle trying to deal with this in front of the children as my wife knows that I need to distance from it for them and will not engage in warfare. I have therefore come to the conclusion that I need to set a new routine. That is the routine of absolutely zero if not minimal communication between my WW and I when the kids are around. Simple pleasantries and nothing more. When I drop them off at my WW's house I'm going to stand at the garden gate and watch them to the door, blow them a kiss and see them go inside happy. I will not be in a position to receive these ridiculous challenges anymore. I can't see any other way to do it. It is sad and unfortunate reflection of the way my WW wants to engage in conflict - even though this is undoubtedly detrimental to our children. I do not understand why she does this. I do understand her that she has done it for years and I have to put an end to it in a civilised way by having a strategy that works 100% of the time - if at all possible.

I would welcome any tips on how to deal with this and thoughts on why my wife is putting herself first, before our children, to have an argument. Perhaps she feels I should still be there to receive her frustrations. However, as she does not want me as a H I think I need to take off the 'doormat' sign a replace this with a 'gone away' sign.