Feeling very lonely on this July 4th. No friends around. Im doing this to myself at this point. H is probably out having a blast, even though he always tells me he doesn't smile, he's just as unhappy out there in the "far country" as he was in out M. He texts me here and there and then disappears. Its been 12 months. I think i need to move on. I don't want to give up or file for a d but I need to move on. I don't know what else to do (or not do) anymore.
Im moving on. Im having a hard time striking a balance between not giving up and "acting as if" I'm moving on bc in actually, I would be moving on. So that's what I have to do. I pray that one day I'll be able to say my marriage has been restored.
H comes and goes as h pleases while I have to deal with this mess. And there's nothing I can say about it to him. He offers to help but then backs far away. Coach told me to be less available but I cant do that if he barely reaches out. My heart loves my husband with every bone in my body. But I'm tired. Perhaps I made too many mistakes along this journey. Perhaps he is indeed still working his issues out. I cant wait for the rest of my life.
I'm really sad that I am not out watching fireworks with friends or something. But I am in the process of trying to make new friends so no one to really call except the old ones and they are all mutual friends that I find it very hard to be around.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
