5 months & counting

[sr9e2d7]

I just feel like "what am I waiting for?" Why not end it?? He seems like maybe he's just too scared to be the one to end it, so maybe I have to. I'm gonna at least get information and meet with a lawyer.

[Rose888]

I am not caught up on your sitch yet, but I think Sara gives good advice.

I try not to take any one day too seriously, but focus more on patterns and trends.

[sr9e2d7]

I can sum it up pretty quickly. 6 months ago he said "I'm not happy. I'm going to find what makes me happy". Fast forward to now- he's moved into a place with a buddy, but hasn't taken any of his things. He now says he's confused and doesn't know what to do. Says "I want to want to be back" which he attributes to feeling like I'm never going to be sexual enough for him. He says he wants to be back, loves me, blah blah but is scared that if he comes back it's gonna go back to the way it used to be where we didn't have sex enough. So now he says he knows he doesn't want a divorce, and wants me to give him time to figure things out. There's another woman, I should say girl. She's a member of our gym (we own a gym). He says they haven't been physical but I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. About two months ago he said he wanted a full 6 months away to really figure things out. Well his 6 months are over and he still doesn't have an answer. How long am I supposed to wait? (That's not a real question). I've been taking care of our 16 month old on my own (have been since she was born). I'm not an angry person and people keep asking me "how are you not furious by now?" I'm not, I'm just really really sad. And I really really miss him. I don't want to get divorced but I don't know what else to do.

[Sotto]

Hi SR, I don't think there's any harm in seeing a L and getting some advice for yourself. There's no need to let your H know you have done this. But once you have been to a couple of free consultations, chosen a L (should you need one) and asked some key questions - you have that aspect lined up just in case.

From what you post it sounds as though your H isn't fully letting go. And because you're not letting go fully either, spending the time with him is understandably painful. I don't think it need to be a case of throwing in the towel and filing for D (just to end the pain, which of course it won't) - but it does highlight the need to work more on detachment - and GAL of course helps with this.

If you have more plans, there is less time for him to come over (because you have plans) and it gives him a chance to miss you. Plus if you are doing new things you enjoy, you become someone he knows a little less (familiarity breeds contempt of course) - and he may be intrigued about who you are becoming. He may not of course, but if you have some lovely new activities and friends, you may well feel less concerned about what he is doing.

After two years (and D finalising) I can honestly say that I wouldn't be that upset to hear news of my H getting engaged to or marrying OW, or her being pregnant etc. All bits of news I would DREAD hearing in earlier days. If I can get here, you can too.

I have been glad that I left XH to file for D. It was simple to me - I don't want to D and therefore I shall not file for D. So - forget throwing in the towel, regroup, plan some GAL - leave him to twist in the wind and keep working towards being in a more detached place. It doesn't happen overnight, we get there one step at a time.

You're doing well in incredibly tough circumstances, so do remember that x

[Rose888]

I can sum it up pretty quickly. 6 months ago he said "I'm not happy. I'm going to find what makes me happy". Fast forward to now- he's moved into a place with a buddy, but hasn't taken any of his things. He now says he's confused and doesn't know what to do. Says "I want to want to be back" which he attributes to feeling like I'm never going to be sexual enough for him. He says he wants to be back, loves me, blah blah but is scared that if he comes back it's gonna go back to the way it used to be where we didn't have sex enough. So now he says he knows he doesn't want a divorce, and wants me to give him time to figure things out. There's another woman, I should say girl. She's a member of our gym (we own a gym). He says they haven't been physical but I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. About two months ago he said he wanted a full 6 months away to really figure things out. Well his 6 months are over and he still doesn't have an answer. How long am I supposed to wait? (That's not a real question). I've been taking care of our 16 month old on my own (have been since she was born). I'm not an angry person and people keep asking me "how are you not furious by now?" I'm not, I'm just really really sad. And I really really miss him. I don't want to get divorced but I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for catching me up.

It sounds extremely frustrating. Is he willing to go to counseling with you? In the absence of clear objectives and rules for the separation, I can see how he got to the end with no decision.

And can I just say, if H had told me I wasn't sexy enough while leaving me to single-handedly care for our toddler? Um, no.

(I do think I should have prioritized sex more, even when our kids were toddlers, but H was a very hands-on dad and would have done more than his share if it meant a better sex life in return.)

[sr9e2d7]

He started going to counseling on his own and says he would like to go together. I told him to make the appointment (because I don't believe his words and I barely believe his actions). It's like today, after I'm completely let down and hurt, he sends a text and it says everything I want to hear. Then I have to remind myself that again, it's just words. His actions need to start matching up and until they do, what can I do? I'm just tired of being sad, tired of being disappointed. I'm also tired of everything being on his terms. I have to figure out how to stop being scared. I'm scared that he's gonna get mad, and I've always been that way with him. It sounds dumb, but when he says "can I come see you and the baby?" I'm scared that if I say no or say I have plans, he's gonna get angry and then decide he doesn't want to be with me. I know what you're gonna say already - if he says that, then why do I want to be with him?

[Zues126]

It sounds dumb, but when he says "can I come see you and the baby?" I'm scared that if I say no or say I have plans, he's gonna get angry and then decide he doesn't want to be with me. I know what you're gonna say already - if he says that, then why do I want to be with him?

No, we all know why you want your marriage to work.

What we'd say is that if your H wants to repair the M then one conflict of schedules won't make or break that. If he wants to R you'll know it. But he has work to do as well, and you can't make up for his lack of interest by pursuing him. Learn to love limbo. It can be done. Being appreciative for what you have is the key.

[sr9e2d7]

He just texted that he made an appointment for us to go meet a counselor tomorrow.

[Vanilla]

Sr9

You and your WH sound very young.

I actually don't mean in age but in emotional maturity.

I notice you swing from I love him miss him to I need to D him now.

I want to date to he is the only one for me.

And you want an answer one way or another today or possibly tomorrow.

This journey is for YOU and there is as there is for all of us much becoming the best you can be.

For you to become the best you can be for yourself and your D.

MC is a waste when your other half is having an A or a PA of some sort or another.

It may be an easy way to let you down easy, and at best you need a say in the type of IC. Preferably one who is pro M.

There is advice at the bottom of the opening page on when MC is a bad idea.

I think you would be wise to read that post.

Txhubby has been giving you great advice, you are in safe hands, I note MR Bond has posted to you to. He is rock solid here.

There is lots of time, it's early days.

Think very carefully before you agree to MC.

V

[sr9e2d7]

I'm slightly offended by your post, because this entire situation is an emotional roller coaster where feelings are all over the place - this doesn't have anything to do with maturity. I may seem all over the place at times because as I'm sure everyone on this site understands, my life was flipped upside down 6 months ago. I have been taking care of my daughter alone and I've been doing a damn good job. Yes, I get emotional and irrational but I thought this was the forum to get out every feeling I have. I'll be more careful in the future