A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hello and Happy 4th!

Nice to hear from you guys and Irish, thanks for checking in

At H recommendation, I put little clippy locks on the backyard gates. I haven't had any problems so far.

MIL contacted me via email last week listing all the days she can do a Grammy day with S. I called her out and asked what happened on Friday? She replied saying she did not recall saying she would get him on Friday. I have the text! She also added that she had missed a breakfast date with a friend so she could be wrong....So we decided to just keep it on Thursdays. She is obviously having memory issues and changing the day seems to throw her off. Some of S summer camp field trips fall on Thursdays so she will just lose her Grammy day if that is the case. I alerted H that his mom is forgetting things again, I let him know about the Friday, I figured he would want to know. He said he would be happy to help with giving her reminders. I let him know I would be reminding her the nights before Grammy day and would include him in the loop.

As far as H...contact remains rare but positive. I saw him at drop off on Monday, then no contact all week. On Friday, I got a TM from him. It was a link to a reggae cruise, with my favorite band on board, along with some great others, happening next year. He added "hmmmm??" I was at work and it totally shocked me. Is he inviting me on a cruise? We joked at work, a bit fast moving! I just wanted dinner! Lol. I replied I am in! However, it falls on S 10th birthday, so may not be happening, but a very thoughtful gesture from H.

Later that night S and I bought a pack of fireworks and sent H a picture asking if he was ready for craziness. They are safe and sane fireworks, only thing legal here and very tame, but H throws us a show every year and I really do love it H replied definitely and that he wanted to bring the drone over during the weekend to do a test run for the firework show that we have in town.

He brought it over Saturday night and flew it over our friends house nearby. A fun way to say hi, lol. He brought up the cruise and said he figured I would be concerned with the smoking, as reggae and that go hand in hand, however we don't smoke. I told him that actually doesn't bother me, I was fine with it at the festival, but missing S big 10 would. He agreed.

Sunday, I decided to do a little test. I wanted to take S and dog on a hike at a nearby county park. so I reached out and invited H. He said to let him know what time we were going. When I did, he said he was not able to make it, but maybe we could do dinner at my favorite place. I said ok, that I couldn't find anyone to go with us hiking, so if we disappear, he knows where we are. He said not to say that and to let him know when we got home.

Me, S and dog headed out and got stuck in a standstill traffic jam caused by construction work on a two lane highway up the mountain. After 45 minutes of sitting, and dog and S whining, I turned around and went a back road. That included a dirt road through the mountains, sometimes down to 1 lane, and required 4 wheel drive, but I did it!! S did not like it and got a little freaked out by the cliff drops on the side, but I assured him it would be ok. We made it to the park and had a nice walk. It was a little hairy, but having S full attention and conversation for 3 whole hours, with no gaming, was priceless.

I got some great pictures and sent them to H when we got home. He said he was happy that he didn't need to send the drone looking for us.

After a few hours, dinner time came and went, and no word from H. I finally TM him that we were hungry, what were his plans? I am testing reaching out, to see how that goes. H replied saying he didn't realize I wanted to do dinner because I didn't reply to his suggestion and that he had snacked, then suggested bringing over prime rib for the 4th. I got a little irritated and called him out on flaking today. I told him to just admit if he is being a couch potato. He replied it's the opposite, that he spent the day getting rid of weeds and was now working on a tool box he got. So I said, you passed on hiking with your S for weeds? He didn't like that. He outlined his day, with times, asked if that was ok, then ended with asking what time he should be over the next day with the prime rib. He added angry emoji, which made me laugh.

Next thing you know, we are sending goofy face emoji, animal emoji, dumb stuff back and forth. I was cracking up, it really broke the ice, it felt good, and I realized how stupid the whole argument was. So it ended on happy notes and a plan to have prime rib today.

So, my test results are this.....I am not ready to be reaching out with invites if I am still not ready for it not to happen. I am still taking it very personal. In my mind, he is not a man who wants to save his marriage or family, or is he? He has done his own reaching out. He invited me swimming with him and S last week, and I chose not to, and he didn't have a fit about it like I did yesterday. IDK, I feel like if we don't start reconnecting, it's never going to happen.

Day by day, breath by breath, I am looking inward for answers. The other day, I had a mini meltdown. It was Thursday night, S was with H and I was feeling emotional and lonely. I looked up some dating sites. I was looking at the sites, at all the faces smiling, and it did not feel right. I am still married for Pete's sake, I thought. So then I googled, how to know when you are ready for divorce....two sites recommended a book called too good to leave, too bad to stay. I purchased it.....then starting realizing I didn't want to spend anymore time or money on trying to make a decision on my own. H and I went into this together, we will go out of it together. He is not off the hook on this....so I cancelled the order. So I had myself a good cry! It has been so long since I had, and it felt really good. So it got real quiet and I opened up my mind and asked, what now? Loud and clear, the word FAITH came into mind. Then, have faith, the answers will come.....it brought me back to peace.

The next day was when I got the cruise info from H. So, my door and heart are open. Either H will walk in, or someone else will. I am back to letting it all unfold, I need to stop trying to control it. I need to just have faith.

I will let you know how today and tonight go. I am looking forward to good food and fireworks.

Happy 4th to everyone, hope you have a happy day!