What should I be Doing (piecing 6)

[sandi2]

I think it would be a mistake to tell her you won't have any part of the FF social activities, when she's made it abundantly clear how important FF is to her. Are you wanting to punish her? That is the way it looks, from the outside. When you are trying to piece the M back together, you need to show each other support. The more you exclude yourself, the more she is seen as a single woman, and the more she will continue going out without inviting her H.

After all that has taken place, you can attend the parade and the FF barbecue. I think it will show her support. Your attendance there makes a statement that you are a couple, and you have not broken up. Don't smother her at the barbecue or try to put on a show of PDA, but do stand by her, socialize, and let her introduce you around. Be sure your male confidence is high on the chart.

Not attending her graduation is just plain mean, IMO. She has worked really hard and she is proud of her acomplishment. Not attending will really hurt your MR. It is the OM you want to hurt, so don't take it out on her. And one more thought on this..........it would be a really bad move, and then tell her you are going to become a FF, too. (Which, I don't think your heart is in the job, or even if it's a good idea since you already have day jobs together). Don't you think it's more just you wanting to be wherever she is b/c of the whole A Issue?

I know you both have things to work out. It may take a couple of years before you finally feel the MR has healed and is where you want it.

There is that thing in you that wants to punish her, and I think it gets in the way of you making right decisions. I want to make a statement about where you are on the DB path. If you are piecing, you don't necessarily apply the same actions you were doing when she was in the A and the M was breaking apart. Do you see what I mean?

For example, not initiating contacts might not work well if you are in the piecing stage. Not initiating or joining into conversations, and not engaging into activities with her......would not be recommended piecing tools.

I will even go as far to say that if you do not fully understand the mental attitude of detaching.........then, it probably makes you appear cold, withdrawn, moody, angry, sullen, and other negative traits you don't want showing when you are piecing.

I think you said something, a few pages ago, about needing to work on your detaching and you were going to do something (can't remember what) to physically detach that day. Considering your previous issues that helped to the breakdown of the MR, I don't know that you should be trying to physically detach. Sure, you need to still GAL and give her some breathing space. You don't want to turn into a clingy H. I believe you can learn to mentally/emotionally detach from things that start working on you and gets your anger stirred up. And, it would help in not wildly swinging from one side of the road to the other.

You need something, like a boxing bag, to wham every day. Maybe it would help relieve some anger. The transition from the place of the H who has a W in an A.......to piecing the marriage back together, must be difficult. She is still in the place where she needs to be transparent. I think the way you communicate your need for her transparency should be in such a way it doesn't sound like a sentencing for her.

Anyway, we can talk more along these lines later. Hope you have a great holiday.